I’m a sad soul… Living inside of a corpse.

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I want to wake up. I want to find out this was all a sick nightmare. I want you to tell me this was all just a way for you test my love and make sure that it was real and that I passed and you’re mine and you always have and always will be.

None of those things are going to happen.

You are really gone.

You’re not coming back.

You don’t want to be back.

How the fuck can I be writing these words? How can I be talking about us when I type out that you’re gone?!

You’re gone….

I can’t accept it, I can’t breathe when I try to so I have given up trying.

I know I’ve said it earlier but I truly feel the absence of you in my soul. I can’t believe that for a whole fucking lifetime I have to go without you.

This is so much worse than I have ever felt before.

Why?!

Why did you spend so many years stroking my love? Why would you tell me all these fake stories of how you were the one for me? Why would you pretend like you loved me?

I don’t even know what to do. I want to beg you to come back. And then I remember… I did.

You barely heard me.

I want to sleep. I don’t want you to be in my dreams anymore. I don’t want to have to feel the loss of you even while I sleep.

But it doesn’t matter.

You live in my soul. You have been burned into my being. No matter where I go or what I do you are always there, lingering is the pain of you missing, I can’t escape it.

And everything I’m feeling makes me so fucking pathetic I can hardly stand it.

I’m broken. I’m dead. I’m a walking fucking zombie.

All because I believed in a love that wasn’t even fucking real!!!

Why did I believe in you?

 

I can’t breathe… I don’t know if I even want to.

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This feeling is never going to go away. I’m going to have to learn how to live with the emptiness of you.

That’s not fair. You said I would never know what this feels like. You promised you’d always be here. The pain from losing you should never have been something I had to feel.

Are you enjoying the silence? Do you even notice I’m not bothering you. Can you tell that I’m gone?

Do you feel it to?

I’ll never know…

Take my heart, it’s no good to anyone else… it only belongs to you.

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Today is my first real day without you. I feel you missing from my soul. It’s an odd feeling, one I’ve not experienced before. I literally feel empty inside, like I’m walking, talking, and doing the motions of daily life but I don’t feel anything.

I smile but only for appearance.

I’m dead on the inside.

I talked to a friend yesterday, one I haven’t talked to in awhile, he said something that struck a chord. He said that your past is your past for a reason.

You’re my past.

I need to accept that and let you go.

I need to not dwell on the fact that I wasn’t good enough for you, that my love meant nothing to you, that everything I thought we had was NOTHING…

I heard his words. I understand them. But my heart and soul doesn’t know how to let go. How do you let go of everything you thought would be yours for a lifetime?

How do you walk away and not fight until you’re last breath for something that you’d lay your life down for?

How do you live knowing that the other piece to your soul is going to be someone else’s forever?

How do you give up with no regret?

I’m asking you ask these questions because you’ve done them all already. You’ve continued living without me like I never existed.

How?

Please give me the answers. Please help the hurt go away.

Please.

Anyone…

It took hours to find the words… I don’t got anything left for a title.

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I’ve been sitting here for awhile now and all I do is delete everything I’ve typed.

It doesn’t matter.

It’s all the same.

I’m hurt, missing you, wanting you, crying for you, blah fuckity blah blah…

I don’t know who I am anymore.

If I was insecure before then I wonder what you would call what I am now. I can only explain it as broken.

I feel like I don’t matter. I don’t know how to take a compliment. I turn awkward and sound rude because I don’t believe it. I feel like they are trying to make me feel better and that they are not sincere. I can’t understand what they could possibly see in me when you see nothing at all. I’m so bad at it that I have had someone tell me to stop, that I’m beautiful and funny and sexy and smart and I need to start seeing it and accept it. I don’t even know how I responded to him but I know all I was thinking was that I wish it had been you saying it.

I’m sure I won’t speak to him again for months….

Sadly, I’m okay with that.

It’s you I want.

Pathetic…

Say Something… I’m giving up on You.

time to let go

I had spent a little time this morning writing. But then I remembered that you don’t care anymore. I remembered that we spent time talking a few days ago and I told you exactly how I felt and how much I hurt and loved you, well I pretty much had word vomit all over you, but you didn’t care. It didn’t bother you at all. I doubt you even stopped doing whatever you were doing to even have the conversation we had. I questioned whether you even heard most of what I was saying.

You’re done with me.

You have moved past US.

You love me and will forever BUT you can’t see yourself with anyone else ever again.

I call bullshit.

I’m not even worth the effort it takes to answer a call or send a response text.  But I am more than sure that you have spent more effort and time interacting with other people.

I wonder when you tell people that you can’t sleep if you tell them you can’t sleep because you are supposed to be sleeping with me. You don’t. Most of them don’t even know I exist.

It hurts.

I’m so tired of being sad. I’m so tired of missing you and hurting.

You might decide someday that letting me go was a mistake; what will you feel when you realize I’m not coming back? Will it kill you to know that I was yours but you tossed me aside and decided that I wasn’t worth your time anymore?

This song has been running through my head for days now and it just happened to finally pop up on Pandora so I’m going to let it finish my post for me.

I think it says it beautifully….

Say Something…. A Great Big World

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’ll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere, I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I’m still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
Anywhere, I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You’re the one that I love
And I’m saying goodbye

Say something, I’m giving up on you
And I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
And anywhere, I would have followed you
Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I’m giving up on you

Say something, I’m giving up on you
Say something

 

Insomnia writing… What 4am in my head looks like.

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I’m so tired right now I can barely keep my eyes open. Do you think that stopped your text messages from replaying over and over in my mind…

Yea, not at all.

Should I be mad that they last few times you have attempted to call you have been either angry or distant?

Am I mad that instead of telling me how you miss me you’re telling me how you’re horny and how I don’t miss you blah blah…?

Probably not.

I’m probably just trying to ignore the tickling in my belly from getting anything from you. I’m fighting the tingle that you, no matter why or for how long, were thinking of me enough too even message me at all.

It’s not getting easier btw. It’s getting harder the longer it is. It’s hurting more the longer I go without hearing you. Thoughts of you moving on and finding someone else cut through me like hot knives. Thinking of you making someone else feel the way you made me feel takes my breath away. Knowing you will find someone else and give them the love that was supposed to be mine hurts in a way nothing else has.

Let’s not get into that tonight tho. I think it’s slumber time here, as it is finally silent in my house.

At least for now..

Nighty night.

I’m never going to be what you want me to be… Sorry I’m not sorry.

sin differently

I love how the only interaction I get with you is negative now. Gone are the days filled with I love you’s, miss you’s, need you’s, or just a simple thinking of you texts. Now I get… well you know what I get. 

But what I don’t get is what it is you want from me?

I feel like I am always in trouble with you, like I have just done something to piss you off, everything seems like it’s a yell or I’m a disappointment to you now.

I hate it.

I have somehow given you this power and it sucks.

In other news…

This is supposed to be the one place in my crazy world that I can come to and vent and get all the ugliness I am feeling out. The one place where I get to say and tell exactly how I feel. The place where the only thing I give is brutal honesty. This blog was made for that specific purpose.

But now I feel like I have to censor what I am saying or feeling because I might piss off or hurt someones feeling.

You don’t get to judge me here.

You don’t get to use anything here against me.

If you don’t like what I am saying or how I am feeling then you don’t get to be here. Don’t read what I write. You don’t have to.

But I’m not going to stop writing. I’m not going to pretend like life is all sunshine and unicorns here. I’m not going to change how I write here.

I never will.

This will always be the realest, rawest, sometimes ugliest, truths of the most beautiful love ever.

I don’t care that it’s over.

Lost but never forgotten…

 

I’m not happy, you’re not happy… Or are you?

sad soul

It’s been 2 weekends now and I have kept my word. I haven’t called. I haven’t text. I haven’t emailed.

And neither have You…

I haven’t taken a full breath or slept through the night.

But I’m not going to talk about that. I’m not focusing on the moments that bring tears to my eyes and a hurt to my soul.

I’m still chanting that silly saying over and over… I’m letting go, I’m letting go…

Maybe I should switch it up to, ‘He let go, he let go, he let go…’ Think it might make the hurt hurt a little less?

Probably not.

I hate so much that you get to just act like nothing is wrong and everything is super because no one knows about me. No one asks you how I am or when the last time you talk to me. You don’t have to be reminded of me ever because I don’t exist over there. But I’m reminded of you all the time. Sucks.

Yay you.

I’m glad one of us made it out of this.

Sorry about all the ugly here. Guess I don’t have anything nice to say so I wont say anymore at all.

Night.

I’m letting him go, I’m letting him go… Kinda.

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I’m finally sticking to my word. It is so damn hard but I’m doing it. Kinda. I cant tell you how many times I have had to stop myself from reaching out to you. I just keep chanting, ‘You’re letting him go, you’re letting him go’, over and over in my head. It super sucks. I hate that I cant stop thinking of you. I hate that there are so many moments each day that tears spring to my eyes because of something that has reminded me of US. The worst is when I’m not alone and this happens. I’m getting pretty good at faking it again.

I’m turning into a cry in the shower kind of girl lately and I’m okay with that,  it keeps me sane and that is a good thing.

I guess that is all I got right now.

Weird because I was sure this would be a novel but turns out I don’t want to sit here and wallow in my loneliness anymore. I’m pretty sure I’m starting to accept the fact that I’m letting you go, not that it makes the it hurt any less but at least I am trying.

I need to find my happiness in the fact that you are happier without me. If only I could stop hurting so bad when I picture you being so damn happy without US. I am sure that will come with time but for now I am just going try to ignore the hurt and keep chanting, ‘ I’m letting him go…’

Silly girl, He doesn’t want/love/need you anymore… Please let go.

drenched in us

I’ve been wanting to write to you for a few days now. I have not had the time or energy to do so but I am making myself sit down and write for fear that if I don’t I will end up calling or texting you and I am determined to not do that anymore. Especially after the last few responses I have received from you on the days that I have. Never before have you responded to my calls with ‘How many times are you going to call’ or my text with ‘What? I’m….’

But those are the responses I receive from you now so even if you aren’t man enough to tell me that you are done with me, US, I’m reading your signals loud and clear now. I only wish you would have given me a proper goodbye. I don’t want to fight or yell or beg you to stay. I just want the last time we interacted to not be a rude text or call. I kinda feel like I deserve better than that. I kinda thought you would give more than that.

Obviously I was wrong. About everything.

I knew deep down that what we had was too good to last or even be real but I wanted it so bad. I was so dumb to believe that there was ever a chance for a love like I thought we had. I feel so stupid to have ever believed that you would keep all of your promises or that the love you said you had was forever, really was. But I did. I really, truly, did believe that we would have it all. I let you convince me that you were my forever, that no matter what was happening you would always be there for me, for US, that the love we shared would and could weather any storm.

What I don’t understand is why? Why would you try so hard to convince me only to leave me in the end? Was it all a game to you? Was that your master plan all along? Were you only trying to fill your empty time with me? Was I just some chick from… that was dumb enough to fall for your bullshit? Did you ever really feel or mean any of the things you told me? Did I open up to you for nothing? Did I share any and everything with you for no reason?

Ugh… the questions I have are never ending. There are so many running through my head that I know now will never be answered. I only wish that I could stop them. I wish that there wasn’t so much of my life that you touched because it makes it that much harder to let you go when so much of every day reminds me of you.

The worst part is that I am sitting here, with tears running down my cheeks as I struggle to take a breath, and you are living your life like there is nothing wrong; like I, US, never existed. How do you do it? How can you continue on when I can barely function due to the massive hole I feel has been ripped away? How do you not try to call or text? How do you just forget about everything we shared?

Please tell me. Please help me stop the hurt.

Please….