Like I do anytime shit is just too much for me, I came here to write it out. Because let’s be honest, that’s what I do. I am so much better at typing it out then saying it out loud.
I didn’t think that I had been writing much but after coming back here again I notice I have been writing a bit more than I thought. And I had put down a lot more here than I remembered. Mostly about Him.
But I am feeling so much that I needed to put it somewhere so here I came.
And, like every other time, I am at a loss for words now that I am here.
I guess I opened up more to Him last night than I usually do. But I don’t usually because I think it’s for the better that I don’t pour out all the crazy I am feeling. It won’t change our situation right now and I figured it would only make it harder. I mean come on here, there is no possible way I thought someone would actually just ‘wait’ around for months while I got my crazy shit together. But apparently if I had poured the words out it would have changed things.
I’m not really buying it.
I think the only thing that would have done would have been proven just how freaking lame I am when it comes to Him.
I seriously don’t need that again.
So oddly, I held it all in this time. And it ended no better than when I word vomit everywhere.
We spent hours texting last night. But the only thing that accomplished was reminding me of how much I crave Him when he’s not around. 37 minutes last night literally felt like at least 2 hours.
I found myself holding my phone while dozing off finally around 3ish, after I spent the night staring at it looking for the notification flashing.
And now, now I am sitting here thinking I shouldn’t text anymore but dying inside from not blowing Him up. If I knew for certain he was alone right now I think I would be blowing Him up. But I’m pretty sure he’s not and although I don’t care if He sees how weak/pathetic/lame I am for Him, I damn sure don’t want anyone else to.
So instead I will sit here and pour a lil crazy out the only way I am truly good at.
Blogging about it.
The last message we had was something about how I was not going to text him until he text/call me because He has been so distracted at work and it’s not great for his job. He responded with something like, yeah sure you won’t.
And I haven’t.
I know how hard it is for me to not contact Him. I know how many times a day/night I have to stop myself from not reaching out to Him.
And he used to reach out to me all the time.
Lately it has been less and less often.
I am just going to sit it out and see how this plays out.
No longer will I go above and beyond after I have already expressed myself crystal clearly and the other person knows it all. At that point it is in there court and if they take too long to return I will not be sitting around here sobbing like I used too.
I have loved and lost before and I am sure that I can love again. This will not break me or make me. It will only strengthen and inspire me.