Sleepless nights are here again… And the baby isn’t even here yet.

dont worry

 

 

Dear Universe,

Like I do anytime shit is just too much for me, I came here to write it out. Because let’s be honest, that’s what I do. I am so much better at typing it out then saying it out loud.

I didn’t think that I had been writing much but after coming back here again I notice I have been writing a  bit more than I thought. And I had put down a lot more here than I remembered. Mostly about Him.

But I am feeling so much that I needed to put it somewhere so here I came.

And, like every other time, I am at a loss for words now that I am here.

I guess I opened up more to Him last night than I usually do. But I don’t usually because I think it’s for the better that I don’t pour out all the crazy I am feeling. It won’t change our situation right now and I figured it would only make it harder. I mean come on here, there is no possible way I thought someone would actually just ‘wait’ around for months while I got my crazy shit together. But apparently if I had poured the words out it would have changed things.

I’m not really buying it.

I think the only thing that would have done would have been proven just how freaking lame I am when it comes to Him.

I seriously don’t need that again.

So oddly, I held it all in this time. And it ended no better than when I word vomit everywhere.

So… yeah.

We spent hours texting last night. But the only thing that accomplished was reminding me of how much I crave Him when he’s not around. 37 minutes last night literally felt like at least 2 hours.

Pathetic.

I found myself holding my phone while dozing off finally around 3ish, after I spent the night staring at it looking for the notification flashing.

More pathetic.

And now, now I am sitting here thinking I shouldn’t text anymore but dying inside from not blowing Him up. If I knew for certain he was alone right now I think I would be blowing Him up. But I’m pretty sure he’s not and although I don’t care if He sees how weak/pathetic/lame I am for Him, I damn sure don’t want anyone else to.

So instead I will sit here and pour a lil crazy out the only way I am truly good at.

Blogging about it.

The last message we had was something about how I was not going to text him until he text/call me because He has been so distracted at work and it’s not great for his job. He responded with something like, yeah sure you won’t.

And I haven’t.

I wont.

I know how hard it is for me to not contact Him. I know how many times a day/night I have to stop myself from not reaching out to Him.

And he used to reach out to me all the time.

Lately it has been less and less often.

I am just going to sit it out and see how this plays out.

No longer will I go above and beyond after I have already expressed myself crystal clearly and the other person knows it all. At that point it is in there court and if they take too long to return I will not be sitting around here sobbing like I used too.

I have loved and lost before and I am sure that I can love again. This will not break me or make me. It will only strengthen and inspire me.

Mic drop.

 

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I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing, just prayed to a god that I don’t believe in… While I’m wide awake you have no trouble sleeping.

It’s so easy to get lost in US. Letting myself fall into the love and caring of US seems natural. I can almost remember what it was like to be able to smile and laugh freely without having to force it or fake it. I find it harder and harder to hide the sad when you are not around. It is also getting increasingly more difficult to fight US from just taking over.

I want to believe it so bad. I want to believe that I can fall in to US and that no matter what happens or how hard I fall you will be there to catch me. I’m trying to believe you will be there to pick me up, dust me off, kiss my owies, and love me ’til I’m fixed but it just wouldn’t be me if I didn’t highly fucking doubt it. And I highly fucking doubt it! I kinda feel like I got a taste of how much you’d stick around this weekend and I have to say I am not feeling very confident you would.
It’s horrible. I know it is. I don’t know how to not think it. I don’t know how to not doubt or question everything.

August has started out shit and I would like a refund and my sunny August days back because this is bullshit. I have spent the last few days of beautiful summer sun feeling nothing but a numbing cold. I felt a few tiny bits of warmth and something close to happy the last few days. Almost everyone of them have been directly related to you. You bring warmth to my soul. I feel the love of you in my bones. You take away the yucky, icky, feeling and all I feel is comfort and warmth. Even if it is only for a few moments I am so thankful for the love you show me.

I have been interrupted so many times I am sure this has been here, there, and everywhere but I know one thing that is constant. I miss you.

Goodnight Moon. Rawr.

YOU WANT ME & I WANT YOU

Hey Moon I missed you. We haven’t talked in DAYS and it was miserable as usual. That changed tonight however. We are currently spending our MUCH needed time together & the ‘Butterflies’ return…

You’re watching New Moon & I’m writing this post and I couldn’t and WOULDN’T want to be with anyone else right now. This is how I want to spend my EVERY night. Snuggled up with you just ‘doing us’ while enjoying this thing called LIFE.

However, this ‘US’ I am speaking of I FEAR won’t last. Actually, I’m convinced it won’t because of the circumstances we are BOTH dealing with at this time in our lives. I’m trying to remind myself that YOU are worth it. That WE are worth it. I’m just finding it harder to BELIEVE, TRUST, IMAGINE, and mostly ACCEPT. I worry also that maybe YOU won’t remember that WE are worth it.

We worked so hard together as ‘US’ to make sure that we BOTH appreciated the others LOVE. and we were so fucking GOOD at it. We really were, we were soooooo good at being in LOVE. You made me a better me, a happier me. I miss that so much. I miss BELIEVING in ‘US’. I miss trusting that you were gonna be there when I needed you. I miss you taking my breath away from excitement, not from feeling a HURT so fierce the breath is sucked from you.

I know deep down that I BELIEVE in love. I know that with time I will open up and be more accepting and less skeptical, at least I hope these things. I wish them to be true. You tell me EVERY chance you can that you Miss me, think of me, love me, want me, Oh yea…. you want me…. Now, THAT brings a smile to my face and warms my heart.

YOU WANT ME & I WANT YOU 

I know that the TWO of us will fight for the OTHER no matter what. Because we LOVE.

I am making you pause your movie so that we can make some MAGIC (:

I love you my moon….. tonight and ALWAYS

Love, Confusion & A New Found Friend

I havent been writing to you because I have been talking to you…. I know, the FORBIDDEN. How dare I? Blah fuckity blah blah. I dont really care what ANYone has to say or feel about me being with you.  Simply because I dont give a FUCK!! This is my HEART, my LIFE, and I will make my own CHOICES. Im sure that there are a MILLION reasons why we should not be together & I dont really want to hear them. I want to live in this BUBBLE, where you & I are in LOVE and doing whatever we have to, to make sure that this love BLOSSOMS.

I hope and pray that we will be working together side by side. I hope that you dont break my heart and leave me…. again. That what you are saying is TRUE?!? That you really arent feeding me a bunch of BULLSHIT. Should I believe you? Should I follow my heart? or should I follow my HEAD that is saying not to let it happen again. That there is NO WAY my heart, head… life, could survive LOSING you again. BUT im trying with my everything to ignore it.

YOU are HERE, YOU came BACK, you NEVER really LEFT

Is that really what happened? You SAY that you COULDN’T get in contact with me like I thought. That you tried but the timing wasnt right, and do you wanna know the messed up thing? I believe you. I believe that you couldnt. I dont really think you tried your HARDEST but i do think YOU were almost as miserable as I was.

Or am I just a STUPID, LOVE-BLINDED fool?  

Are you just saying this shit to me? I am so SCARED to let you back in. I mean FULLY in like you were before? Dont get me wrong, I LOVE YOU I’m just not letting you be MY EVERYTHING  just yet. I cant. I cant let myself be that vulnerable again. I cant let my heart break like that again. It wouldnt be able to survive it again so soon to having thought it LOST you before.

When we hang up I get anxiety that it will be the LAST time we talk again. That there is no way we will talk AGAIN. It’s horrible. I want to live in the bubble where our LOVE is enough for ANYthing & We will OVERCOME any obstacle and Do so while HOLDING hands and laughing BUT i just dont believe in that WORLD anymore. I dont know where that Happy in LOVE feeling went? I am now living in the I’m in LOVE and this shit SUCKS world.

I hope that i get out of this shitty funk soon before I push you away. I fear that now, that I will push you away and keep you away, while not meaning to. I have a fear that I wont be able to fully except your LOVE because I am so SCARED it will be ripped away from me again. I am scared… I am so scared & I dont know what to do.

I think Im so SCARED  that all of my WORST fears about YOU & US will come true because I found out today that there REALLY are horrible, terrible, deceiving, lying, master manipulators OUT there!! In REAL life & one of them HURT someone I have become fond of over this world wide web we have.

 I dont know her in person, I couldn’t pick her out in a crowd or even a line up for that matter, nor could she me, BUT I want to take her pain away. I want to KICK this ASSHOLE over & over & over AGAIN!!! I WANT him to FEEL the PAIN he is causing her a BILLION times OVER!!

But nothing in this fucked up world will EVER make sense. GOOD people will DIE, BAD people will LIVE, GOOD people will have BROKEN hearts & BAD people will be BREAKING them and the most FUCKED up thing is there is NO way to STOP it. Because GOOD people will ALWAYS have the heart to get BROKEN while BAD people dont have the HEART in them that it takes to truly experience the PAIN of HEARTACHE.

 I am saddened by this, but oddly I find peace knowing that HER & I are a couple of the LUCKY ones who are able to LOVE with our WHOLE hearts and our hearts will mend with time & someone who is just as A M A Z I N G as US (:  will come along and prove to us that all the pain we dealt with was WORTH IT!!

I believe this for her and for I

I am hoping that you are my ‘WORTH IT’……..

Are you here to STAY or just to PLAY???

Pinned Image

Did last night REALLY happen? Did I REALLY talk to you? Did you REALLY tell me that you LOVE me with your EVERYthing?

Could the WORDS and MEMORIES be REAL?!?

I have been replaying last night over & over in my head since we said g’night, NEVER goodbye. I have imagined talking to you for weeks now it seems but when it ACTUALLY happened, EVERYthing I had planned out in my head, the WHOLE conversation I had thought out so carefully ALL those sleepless nights, my new motto: Fake It ’til Ya Make, EVERY fucking thing, FLEW out the window!!

Instead of the cool, I’m ok, BARELY thought about YOU, Life has been Dandy without you BULLSHIT I was gonna try to feed you, I was a blubbering mess. I was asking you my WHY’s, I was a crazy cry-baby, I couldn’t really put my thoughts into words, it was typical ME behavior, & you STILL just told me to RELAX & that you LOVE ME. Not our code for our LOVE, but you actually said the words & I FELT them more than I EVER have before.

I have been thinking for DAYS now that sleep is no longer what I consider what I fall into at night, and when we were talking and you said that you don’t really SLEEP anymore, you pretty much just take NAPS it was like you were describing my sleep since you have been gone & the evil-bitch that lives inside of me was PLEASED that you have been having sleep issues w/out me. Is that bad?

I started this post a few days ago. The first day that I actually talked to you in FOREVER. I woke up yesterday not believing that I really talked to you, not believing that I HEARD you say YOU love me, not our ‘word’ for our LOVE but the actual WORDS. My heart melted, I was able to take the breath I have been trying to take for weeks now. We talked again last night. I remember why I LOVE you so much, I remember why it was so hard to let you go and that all the raw emotion I felt was worth it, I remember why YOU are my EVERYthing!!

I have to say that I am so scared now. Scared that the little bit of progress that I made when you were GONE is just gonna disappear like you did and when/if you leave me again it’s gonna be that much harder to LIVE again.

I’m scared that my FEAR of losing is going to take over and I’m just going to shut you OUT so that hurting me isn’t an option. The last few days we have been together again I feel like I have spent much of the time talking about what happened & why. I’m scared I’m pushing you away by allowing you inside and hearing my deepest darkest thoughts, but I cant NOT tell you, because you are a part of me and I if you WANT to be a part of me if you need to know all the craziness that I have been feeling because MAYBE, just maybe, you will decide that I am not what you WANT. That is a huge fear of mine. That you won’t want me.

I know you keep telling me that you were as MISERABLE as I was, but I don’t think that is possible. If you WERE as miserable as I was without you, wouldn’t you have CONTACTED me? Wouldn’t you have done ANYthing to let me know that I was your EVERYthing? These are a few of the “WHY’s” that still haunt me.  These are a few of the reasons that I fear truly letting myself LOVE you without holding back.

You swoop in,  express your LOVE, tell me to RELAX , that you thought about me, that EVERYthing reminded you of me and magically EVERYthing really does feel better.  BUT what if this is a dream? What if you Really aren’t back to stay? What will happen to me if I LOSE you again? Will I survive another ❤ break again?

I’m sure I will cuz I’m a Mama & we will ENDURE ANYthing for our babies BUT if it wasn’t for them I don’t know, I don’t think I would WANT to survive w/out you. That scares me most of all…. That I don’t want to exist without you & REALLY that choice is not mine to make alone. It is something that we BOTH have to want and make happen.

I hope that US, is worth you fighting for. I know that I am trying my hardest. I hope that’s enough……..

I love you……

You LEFT and I have NOTHING….

I have been quiet all weekend, I know that you know that is not a good thing. Me quiet could only mean ONE thing… I’m shutting down. I’m starting to block out EVERYone and everything. I can’t go even a few mins without my thoughts wondering to you, and to top it all off, EVERYthing reminds me of you.

I have avoided the computer for the last few days simply because I can’t take the pain of not hearing from you, I have had my phone turned off for DAYS now, because I can’t stand having msgs that aren’t from YOU.

I swear that every song that we have ever shared together has made its way onto the RADIO!! I know not really that shocking since it is the radio, but I am talking about songs that have been off the radio for YEARS now, are magically playing on every station I have tuned in. I specifically left the iPod so that I wouldn’t play every song.

I have so much to get OUT, but I just don’t have the energy right now. It’s so much easier to just keep it inside and NOT think about it then to think about it right now.

You begged me to let you in, let my walls down, TRUST you, HA!! Look where that got me? HERE…. ALONE…. BROKEN…. with more walls than I have ever had before. Thicker, stronger, taller.

These walls will NOT be broken again.

I can’t take a pain like this anymore. I know there is pain that is deeper and worse than the pain that I am feeling. BUT for me, right now, I can’t even imagine it. I can’t even imagine feeling anything again. I feel so drained. I feel so used. I feel so BETRAYED…

I will try to get some shit out of my messed up head later, I have Halloween parties, SISTER healing my SOUL day, my birthday that I’m dreading so much now, and just a bunch of other shit…  but for now I’m just gonna curl up into a ball and hide away in my hole…

 Will I ever L O V E  again??