#TrueStatement… If only He knew.

HE walked by the other night while I was online and somehow noticed moon lover in the corner of the screen, the teeny tiny top right hand corner of the laptop screen. How he ever noticed I will never know but he did and he goes,

‘Oh, moon lover… Is that you?’

To which I of course replied, ‘Huh-uh.’  

And He says… ‘Oh, too bad ‘cuz I think that would be a good name for you.’ and continues past to go watch some game on TV.

Am I going to hell?  

Does it really fucking matter if I’m only trying to survive as it is?


Why does Silence have to scream so loud? I miss you.

Another day. I made it through most of it so far. Now we have the silence of night to get through and that pretty much fucking sucks. I hate the night. Sad, because I have always found comfort in the dark, star filled, moon bright, silent, nights. I used to love to lay in the darkness and find comfort in the silence. Now I avoid silence like the plague. I always have the lights on, or the TV or both, the laptop is ALWAYS open, usually with music playing, even if the TV is on because it is almost always muted I just need the added light (:  energy waster right here. Have I told you how many times I dry the clothes in my dryer? I might have a problem. I have this thing now where I have to have the dryer going when I fall asleep at night so the clothes usually get about 3 or 4 cycles before I fall asleep, sorry ‘bout that but this is my reality now. I have to have some sort of something going on to distract me because if I don’t then it is too hard to keep the darkness at bay. With all of the music and noise and Target commercial on Pandora I am pretty distracted. Blackness is a slippery slope. I think it almost won. It still might. But I will continue to fight it as long as I have to.

I miss you. I want to talk to you so bad right now. I had to stop myself from walking straight to the phone to call you when I walked in tonight. I literally had to talk myself out of it in my head. No, you can’t hold the phone and make the bed, just get all your shit done and ready for bed and then call. No, don’t call yet he might still be working and you don’t really want to bug him at work do you? No, don’t text him because he hasn’t sent anything since 3 so he must be really busy just wait a bit longer. Is this fucking for real? Yes, sadly it is. This is actual fucking dialogue that plays in my head.

But I waited. I didn’t call. I didn’t text. I distracted, distracted, distracted until finally you sent a text saying you were hanging out. And you want to know something sad I was crushed and relieved at the same time. It is getting so hard to not get lost in you, your words, your whispers, your love but if you are ‘out’ then there is no way I can get lost in it and that crushes me because getting lost in US is amazing…

Well, I guess I am off to find something else to distract me with because the longer I sit here the more I want to message you. I want to tell you that I miss you so much that it takes my breath away sometimes. I want to ask you to go home so that I can lay with you. I want to cry. Probably will.

I’m sorry. I miss you. I love you.

Trying to fight the darknes…

This song is haunting me. It is showing up first on almost any music device I start up. I don’t know why. Am I supposed to want you to stay? Did you stay? Will you stay? Weren’t you always going to stay? Haven’t I really been just fooling myself that it was going to be any other way? I guess I am in too dark of a place right now to write to you. I feel like there is nothing that should be said from these monsters that are running amok inside my head. I am trying to fight them. I am trying to…. Breathe… who am I kidding? I am just trying to fucking breathe today…  I finally made myself leave my room and come to the living room. I haven’t been feeling like doing anything today. I haven’t even eaten and the worst part is I even tried; I actually tried to force myself to eat. I ended up almost gagging so I aborted mission. I put on some music in here and what do you think is fucking playing? Really? Seriously? I guess I am going to try to distract myself with some smutty reality TV. There’s nothing like a good girl fight to make ya feel better, especially when it’s over a guy who has ALSO made out with 16 other chicks too. I am probably going straight to hell. Wait, this isn’t hell? Fuck…  

** I don’t know when I wrote this or why it never was posted so I am just posting as is… sorry if it is choppy and hard to follow…