Started this last night… still alive, barely.

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It’s been 6 nights since we’ve talked. By talk I mean you yelling some word, I think it was now, at me and then hanging up. I’m trying to do everything I can to distract myself and make it thru to the next minute.

Nights are the hardest. The silence makes it impossible to forget you. There is nothing to make the hurt of missing you go away.

I’m finding there are a few things that numb the pain or at least dull it. But I doubt there will ever be anything that takes it away. I’m ok with that. If the hurt from missing you is all that I have left of you I’ll take it.

I wonder if you hurt from missing me. If you don’t can you feel the hurt in your soul? Does your soul feel anything? It has to because it belongs with mine and mine is broken and aching.

Oh my God a whole lifetime?!

I’m dying baby….

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Silly girl, He doesn’t want/love/need you anymore… Please let go.

drenched in us

I’ve been wanting to write to you for a few days now. I have not had the time or energy to do so but I am making myself sit down and write for fear that if I don’t I will end up calling or texting you and I am determined to not do that anymore. Especially after the last few responses I have received from you on the days that I have. Never before have you responded to my calls with ‘How many times are you going to call’ or my text with ‘What? I’m….’

But those are the responses I receive from you now so even if you aren’t man enough to tell me that you are done with me, US, I’m reading your signals loud and clear now. I only wish you would have given me a proper goodbye. I don’t want to fight or yell or beg you to stay. I just want the last time we interacted to not be a rude text or call. I kinda feel like I deserve better than that. I kinda thought you would give more than that.

Obviously I was wrong. About everything.

I knew deep down that what we had was too good to last or even be real but I wanted it so bad. I was so dumb to believe that there was ever a chance for a love like I thought we had. I feel so stupid to have ever believed that you would keep all of your promises or that the love you said you had was forever, really was. But I did. I really, truly, did believe that we would have it all. I let you convince me that you were my forever, that no matter what was happening you would always be there for me, for US, that the love we shared would and could weather any storm.

What I don’t understand is why? Why would you try so hard to convince me only to leave me in the end? Was it all a game to you? Was that your master plan all along? Were you only trying to fill your empty time with me? Was I just some chick from… that was dumb enough to fall for your bullshit? Did you ever really feel or mean any of the things you told me? Did I open up to you for nothing? Did I share any and everything with you for no reason?

Ugh… the questions I have are never ending. There are so many running through my head that I know now will never be answered. I only wish that I could stop them. I wish that there wasn’t so much of my life that you touched because it makes it that much harder to let you go when so much of every day reminds me of you.

The worst part is that I am sitting here, with tears running down my cheeks as I struggle to take a breath, and you are living your life like there is nothing wrong; like I, US, never existed. How do you do it? How can you continue on when I can barely function due to the massive hole I feel has been ripped away? How do you not try to call or text? How do you just forget about everything we shared?

Please tell me. Please help me stop the hurt.

Please….

Too sad to write much more than a title… And this can hardly be called a Title.

saddest tears

I’m all done being sad.

I don’t want to be sad anymore.

I don’t want you to make me sad anymore.

I don’t want to have to worry about who you are with or what you are doing any longer.

Do whatever the fuck it is you want. With whoever the fuck you want to do it with.

Just forget about me… Like you did when you were driving with those chicks last night and later when you were WAY too busy to respond to me. At all.

Rude.