This is why I didn’t want to get excited for Sunday. I never thought it would happen anyway. I guess I just kinda hoped I was wrong. I hate when I am right.

One of the hardest things for me to accept with you was your unconditional love. I have spent much of my life chasing, begging, and waiting for love. Never expecting to find it. Well not the unconditional, can’t live without you, feel it in the depths of my soul, kind of love.

Then I met you.

You tried to convince me that a love like US existed. You were so persistent. You never tired of loving me. Slowly you pecked away at the wall surrounding my heart and planted your tiny seeds of believe. You worked nonstop at nurturing and loving the tiny seeds, making sure they blossomed and bloomed.

For what?

Nothing. For fucking N O T H I N G.

 

 

 

There is a reason why I wear sunglasses all the time…

I have more to not write to you today.

I’m reminded again of how much I miss the way you listen; really listen, to anything and everything I have to say. I miss the way that I could feel that you really cared what I was talking about, no matter how silly or ridiculous it was.

Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I pushing away the one person that I think might actually love me unconditionally? Why am I so convinced that I don’t deserve the type of love US is?

There are so many answers to those loaded questions. I could spend days listing them. I don’t think I will tonight. I know that the one answer that trumps ‘em all is THEM. They are the reason why I am doing this. They are the reason that I am trading a love felt deep in my soul for a mediocre like….

I miss you. I’m sorry.