I’m only human… And I crash and I breakdown.

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Dear Universe,

I don’t usually take the mean/hurtful/rude comments on here to heart because usually it’s just some crazy hater who has read one or two of my posts and has decided that I am wasting my time or I am crazy blah blah blah and I really could care less.

But I received a comment recently about how I am wasting my time on someone from years ago who never loved me and wasn’t The One blahfuckityblah blah…

And that comment got me to thinking, btw Jimmy Jams if you had read anything you would know that I have already come to terms with the fact that Moon wasn’t my One and that he never loved me and I completely wasted my time/energy/love/caring/friendship, what I am having a hard time coming to terms with is that even though all of those things were true on his part everything on my part was real.

So even though everything we have already stated above is true, it doesnt make it any fucking easier to accept the fact that I spent years of my time/energy/love/caring/friendship on the someone who was all of the terrible things that you mentioned above. And he may have checked out over a year ago but he only told me last summer that he was done. So it has not even been a year of me learning how to live a life that is not the life I had spent the previous 3 years living.

What exactly is the time limit on grieving the loss of a relationship?

Is there a time limit?

Because I was not aware that there was one.. I am simply trying to keep both of my feet firmly planted on this 3rd fucking rock from the sun. And to do that I write about one small aspect of my life here. I don’t feel like any time I spend on this blog is time wasted because without it I might not still be here. I am so all over the place with emotion right now because part of me wants to defend the love that I will always have for US and the other part of me is screaming to just walk away and leave it, to ignore any and everything US and just let it be what Jimmy Jams said it was, wasted time. But I also want to defend it and yell about how at one moment in time it was the realest/truest/rawest love you could ever imagine and that it is worth grieving for a lifetime.

I can’t though.

What was… was.

It is no more.

Now, now I am just learning how to smile again. I’m trying to accept all that life has for me. Good/bad/ugly.. I’m taking it one step at a time. Depending on myself. Relying on me. Needing no one. It is very liberating. And more terrifying than one can imagine.

I slept every night with Moon.

For years.

If I reached out to him or him to me, it was a given that the other was there.

24/7

For years.

There was never a shortage of love from Moon. He was the most amazing at making me feel like we were indestructible.

He wrote me things like this:

The story of us would probably be a man, me, who is madly in love with this fantastic woman, you.

At first I had no clue that you were the one I wanted to be with until we started talk outside of the people we hung out with. But after awhile I started to see and realize that a lot of the things that you were going through I was going through, like the people that helped us through most of or lives we have lost and how there are so many other ways we are alike, like watching movies together, we both are amazing cooks, love snuggling up with each other, and how amazing you made me feel but was scared too say or do anything at first. Because every time I seen you I had butterflies in my stomach because all I wanted to do was talk to you. So I finally got the guts to talk to you and I thought that this woman is so great and makes me laugh and that I could hang out with you more often so we did. That was one of the most wonderful things that have happened to me.

After awhile we started watching movies and hanging out with just us. What started off as just friends turned in too something so much more. I started to have strong feelings about you although you warned me that we shouldn’t go down this road.

I didn’t care.

I knew that I was falling madly in love with you and never wanted to give up! We have been through so much that I could not just give up on you and US.

You are my sun, my stars, and of course my moon.

I know you probably think I am crazy!!!! But not having you in my life makes me feel so empty. Having you in my life is like climbing the highest mountain and screaming at the top of my lungs “I did it!!”. I never ever want to turn back or start over with someone now because of you and how you make me feel!!!!! =)

I love you so much, I would want nothing more than to be the man of your life and love you like a wonderful and fantastic woman should be loved in a relationship.

I love you so much.

Moon

Those were HIS FUCKING WORDS!! He wrote them out and sent them to me.

And then.. Gone.

It has been so hard to not immediately run to someone else..

There have been times that I wish I could just fill Moons place with someone else, just plop them in and make them everything that he was to me, but I can’t.

I don’t want to.

I could go on for days all of a sudden but I am being interrupted. Lucky you.

Until next time Universe…

It’s been fun I’m sure. Ha

Letter 1 to the Universe. ..

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Dear Universe,

Sometimes I just want him back. . I just want a few more minutes/hours/days/weeks to soak up all the US that would last a lifetime.

Sometimes I just want to be reminded that I didn’t make him up. I can’t remember his voice and that makes me panic because maybe I imagined all the love I felt.

Sometimes I think that there will never be another soul that awakens the parts of me that Moon did. I imagine a life where the body I’m with doesn’t do a thing to connect with my soul,  and maybe that is because Moon always will own the power that ignites my soul.

Please let me sleep. .

Dear Universe, Please show me something Amazing today… Make me feel alive.


 

Hey there.

I miss you. I want to lie in bed with you all day and just get lost in your love and snuggle into you, wrapped in your arms, forever. In your arms is the only place that I feel safe, it is the only time that I am able to fully breathe.

And that scares me. I need to be able to be okay on my own. I want to be okay on my own. I want to be able to fall asleep at night and not constantly be woken with nightmares.

I guess I am going to stop this now. It isn’t making me feel better for some reason. I am feeling a bit worse right now actually.

I am going to blast some music, my specialty, and get lost in cleaning, until I can get lost in US.

I love you.

I miss you.

I’m yours.