Forget the world now, we won’t let them see… Say you will.

I ‘write’ to you every night before I fall asleep, only it’s in my head. For some fucked up reason the words I want to say to you fall so easily into place when the world is dark and silent. I often wish I could get up to put them down but I am too scared to wake anyone so instead I lay silent and unmoving while the words I want to say to you flow effortlessly through my mind. Sometimes they aren’t the nicest thoughts but they still have no problem fitting together. I don’t have to fight to put two scrambling thoughts together to form a coherent sentence.

I really miss being able to write. I miss just letting my fingers hit the keyboard and let ‘em loose. I didn’t even have to think about what I wanted to say, my fingers and soul were somehow connected and did the ‘thinking’ and ‘writing’ for me.

Now when I try to write I end up staring at the cursor blinking for so long that I forget why I am staring at a blank page and end up giving up.

I’m happier than I have been in a long time and I’m miserable. Fucked up right? Well, it wouldn’t really be very ME if it wasn’t (:

Thank goodness I’m so busy at work all day that I don’t have time to dwell on how not happy I am. And of course when I am home I am surrounded and rarely alone so even if I am feeling it there is no way I can be showing it.

Again. It fucking sucks.

I want to tell you that I am happy, that I am confident in what I am doing, that I know that I have made the right choice but that would be a lie. I’m not happy, I’m not sure I know what the hell I am doing. All I know is that my kids are happier than I have seen them in a long time. They are excited and want to be home and so do I. I love being home with them. Even when they are driving me Nucking Futs (: I can’t think of a place I would rather be. Well, I could maybe think of one….

I’m sorry. I love you. I miss you. I wish this were easier…

 

 

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Feelings… and all things bitchy.

Suffocated. I feel suffocated. I feel like I can’t breathe. I feel tightness in my chest and a tingling, and not the good kind of tingling, in my legs and arms, like I have an itching to run. As soon as I hear you or start to feel the love of US I feel like I need to fucking bolt and not look back.

Confused. I don’t do well with surprises. I like to know what is coming so that I can be as prepared as possible for whatever is coming my way. Good or bad. I have no fucking idea right now what is on the horizon for me.

Scared. Terrified. See above. Add in a shit ton of darkness and all things black.

Unsure. Am I being the best me I can be? I don’t know. I hope so. I would like to think so. But I am sure that all of this ‘editing’ and faking I have to do on a daily basis says otherwise.

Guilty. I feel so fucking guilty. I feel like I am being punished for all the good and amazing I feel with US. I feel like what is happening now is because of how amazing US was and that if I never would have gotten lost in US that this blackness wouldn’t be taking over. I feel like I need to throw us back to the gods and say I am sorry for even thinking that I was worthy of a love like US.

Alone. I have a love hate relationship with alone. I love to be alone. I hate how much I miss US when I am alone. But I need to be alone. I am better alone. I feel more in control alone.

Shattered. I am so shattered. I don’t even know where to begin to try to piece me back together. I don’t even think if I knew where to start that I could piece me back. There are pieces so small now I don’t even think I can see them anymore. I don’t know if I would want those pieces back if I could. Part of me is scared that I won’t find any of the good left. I am scared if I can piece me back together that I will be this new me full of all things dark, scary, ugly, and black. I am scared that all the ‘pretty’ in me is lost forever.

Those are a few of the things I am feeling right now. Just a few. I could probably sit here for days but I don’t have the energy anymore. Of course on top of all the fucked up shit I am feeling I have that anxiety cloud and depression thunderstorm brewing. Not to mention the fact that I miss US so bad sometimes it physically hurts.

So what do I do when US starts to take over? I run. I shut down. I go into distract mode. I turn the music up so that I can’t focus on you and your words. I tune out so that the tingle of US that takes over so quickly is met with resistance. And it is wearing me thin. I don’t know how much longer I can fight US. The longer I go the easier it seems. Until US sneaks up so fast it takes my breath away. Those are the times I freak out the most, when US slips through a crack and I don’t see US coming. It is so hard to fight US at moments like that. It is painful and almost buckles my knees, so those are the times I pull out the big guns and run the fastest.

Anger.Madness. All things bitchy.

When I am at my bitchiest I am really at my weakest. I don’t know how else to fight US anymore. So I let my angry tongue fight for me. Otherwise I would give in. I would let US wash over me and get lost again. I can’t let that happen. So I kick, yell, cry, run, and let my sharp little tongue run amok.

I am so sorry. You don’t deserve this. US doesn’t deserve this. But it is the only way I know to keep US at bay.

I can’t get lost in US again Moon. Not right now. And the worst part is…

US is the only thing I want to be lost in….

I’m sorry. You deserve better than this. US deserves better than me…