One doesn’t forget about ones Moon. Ever.


Guilty. Guilt. Tons of it. Everywhere I turn, everywhere I look. I can’t escape it. And I fucking hate it. I don’t like to feel guilty. I don’t do things that make me feel guilt. Guilt is an emotion that I avoid but for some reason I am smothered in it.

I have to focus on my situation here. I have to focus on making here livable again. I got so lost in US; the blackness crept in and almost stole everything from me. I need my attention to be here. You are distracting. You are what I dream about. US is the love you read about in those sappy fucking romance novels. But US can’t be. Not now.

I’m sorry.

I’m still going to write you. I know that walking away right now is going to be one of the hardest things I have done. But I have to. I will try to write whenever I have the urge to talk to you. I am hoping I will find comfort in writing to you because you have always cared so much about what I have to say. Everything. Even the stupid, dumb, whiney, bullshit that I usually give you. You would sit there, listen, and love.

Thank you. Thank you for being strong for me. Thank you for not making this any harder than it already is. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for loving. Thank you for being you. Thank you for showing me what love should feel like. Thank you for showing me that I could feel a love like US, a love so fierce, passionate, intense, and powerful that the memories are burned into my soul forever.

I will miss you.

I already do. I miss you the second we part. I always do.

I won’t say good bye. Now or ever.

Until we meet again my Moon. I love you.

 

I’ll take a 4 or 5… It’s less mad than I am at myself.

Headphones on… check

Music on…. check

Allowing US to take over… working on it…

I need to write. I need to let some of this shit out. I need to just say fuck it and let whatever happens just fucking happen. But… I got nothing.

This is so typical of what my head is like right now. Crazy loud during the day but when I try to sit down and get some of it out then I am B L A N K and it really sucks. I don’t know what is stopping me from writing.

I guess partly I am embarrassed by what my life is right now. I can’t believe that things got so bad. I meant what I said last night about you distracting me.

You do.

You distract me from just how bad things really are here. Because when you are around it is so easy to get lost in US and pretend like we can conquer it all when in reality I don’t believe that for a fucking second. I don’t think I can focus on US right now. Things are not good and I am struggling with what I should and shouldn’t share here. Maybe that is part of my ‘block’ that what I want  to write about is not entirely just about US and our loving and butterflies filled stories but full of anger, hate, disgust, and a lot of hurtful words…

But whatever happens or doesn’t happen it most definitely will affect US.

I have been staring at the cursor thingy blinking for 3 FULL songs and the tightness in my chest isn’t getting much better. I don’t understand where this spine tingling fear is coming from. Why does my heart race, my legs tingle, why do I have to force myself to take a deep breath and yet I still can’t fill my lungs? What the fuck is happening to me? Have I repressed my feelings for so long that they are fighting back now demanding to be felt? Is it the tingling and sparkle of US that is igniting all of these feelings that have lain dormant for so long? Is US a good thing? Is it a ‘gonna be around for a while’ thing or was US supposed to be a fling? Was US just supposed to show me I could be loved and show you that you should never settle?

I don’t believe that US is real. Still. I can’t grasp the idea that I would ever really get to spend the rest of my days feeling a love like you make me feel. Even though you try, and beg, and plead to let you love me. I still don’t believe it. Fucked up? Yea, pretty much.

I was going back over the month of March on the blog today and was pretty saddened that the entries have been so short, and not so full of sweet. I guess that just means that I have been doing a pretty good job of keeping myself distracted from US. It is getting a bit easier and there are fewer and fewer US moments that break through the darkness. Sad I know because that just means that it’s darker than it should be.

I miss the tingle of US. I miss the way you, your words, especially your love would wrap around me. I could actually FEEL the love of US. I miss the feeling of US. I miss feeling. I don’t remember what it feels like to feel anything other than numb with an underlying, constant, hurt.

I don’t know when the above was written. But I decided to just post it as is. I am sorry if it is messy and hard to follow.

I often find posts that are half written or poorly thought out when I visit the dashboard. I start a new post through the drop down menu so if I save a draft I don’t usually. I don’t really have much to say. I don’t think I could find the words. I am a bit distracted tonight anyways so even if I got into a ‘groove’ I would surely be interrupted and that would just piss me off more.

I love you. I am sorry that we had to end our conversation the way we did. I don’t ever want to leave you with things unsaid. I know that we will be able to talk about this. Even if you don’t understand right now why I want to be alone I hope someday you will at least respect that I have to.

I don’t know if I can say goodnight tonight since I am very doubtful that sleep will find me. So instead I will say I love you, of course and… Until we meet again my Moon.

Dear Happy, Please stay… Forever.

I am trying to hold on to this happy. It is so difficult when you are gone. Things are so opposite when you are not around. I can only imagine after how hard and much you try to ‘fix’ me that you will get upset and over it, if it takes too long. Will I be ‘fixed’ by then? Or will I still be having these panic attacks when you are away? I want to be fixed so bad baby. I want to just love like I have never been hurt. I want to believe EVERY promise, word, dream that we have ever shared. But… We don’t always get what we want.

Or do we?

You are so what I want. And you are proving more and more each day that I get you, for now. So perhaps sometimes we do get what we want because what I want is you.

I would love for whatever it is that is making me feel so insecure and fearful about US to just FUCK OFF already! I want this happy to stay but in reality it wont and not only because I miss US when you are gone but also because life is not so peachy for me right now. But that my darling is a WHOLE other blog (: and this, this if for you my Moon, for me, and most importantly for US.

Please don’t give up on me. Please don’t let my insecurities and fears push you away. I want you, I love you, and I KNOW you love me. Please don’t ever doubt that. And if I do push baby its because I don’t think that you should have to deal with my issues outside of US, I just don’t want to involve you in any of that. I am also going to apologize in advance if I am crabby, bitchy, pissy, emotional, overly dramatic, uncontrollably crazy, or just ridiculously hard to understand right now. I am trying. Just please, please, know that I am trying. I am trying to believe. I am trying to battle these demons. I am trying to be strong.

I miss you tonight. I miss not be able to just hear you breathe. I could would just listen to you breathe for ever. I love you.

It’s a bit too early for me to say goodnight so I will just say… Until we meet again my Moon. I love you.