This is what 4 weeks & 3 days looked like without you… It took me about that long to post it too.

 

i hate love

 

I’m finding myself with a few moments to myself so of course I am going to take the time to write or at least try to…

I have been writing and not posting a lot lately. Mostly because it doesn’t really matter anymore and it doesn’t make me feel better.

I don’t even know how long it has been since we ‘broke up’ but it feels like forever.

Thinking about it I guess we haven’t been for 9 plus months according to you and the story you tell everyone close to you.

But for me… even though I have felt that you have been gone for almost that long I didn’t completely feel it in my soul until about 4 weeks 3 days ago… pathetic.

I’m so sidetracked I can’t keep my thoughts in order.

The only thing I know is that what I am feeling, or not feeling, in my soul is not describable. There are hardly words for the way that deep inside I feel nothing. I can only describe it as my soul because even though I hurt physically from you leaving the missing you comes from someplace so much deeper.

And you’re gone.

You ignited an inferno like the wildest out of control forest fire in the thickest of Amazon jungles immediately engulfing any and everything around it incinerating it to nothing.

And that is what I feel without you.

Nothing.

But you don’t even notice I’m gone.

You barely even remember loving me…

And that super fucking sucks…

 

Let’s face it… You my dear, are a dirty little secret…

My oh my where do I start tonight? I am, of course, all over the place. You have spent the past few days since, what shall we call it…the Event I guess, oooh, oh so creative I am these days, anywhoo you have spent the last few days since the Event making sure I know that you are so happy with the way things are so far. You message me in the morning, you call me throughout the day, you text me goodnight and I wish you were here’s, you make sure to send me a quick this reminded me of you text and I love it, I love all of it! But I am still in the dark, complete fucking blackness, I’m talking not even a sliver of fucking light in here, about the scenes and conversations that led up to and surrounded said Event. Nothing. It’s like what happened was just another day in the life, no big deal, not life changing at all for you.

That concerns me. Why is that? Why, no HOW could Event take place and yet you are as chipper as a fucking candy striper down at the old folk’s home? I don’t get it? I am a wreck over it. I can’t sleep at night. I can’t eat. I cry thinking about Little Man and how he is taking all of this. But you, you are just living the life. Solo. No worries it seems. Which kind of fucking pisses me off actually. If you are really taking all of this so nonchalantly I want to know why. How could you have no hurt feelings over this? I mean part of me wants you to be hurting for the changes to your ‘family’ from this because I am. I am hurting for you all right now. So I am hoping wishing, that you are just trying to be strong for me and not let me see the hurt that you are feeling because you are just not yet that comfortable with US yet. You are not ready for me to see you so vulnerable.

I am also feeling a bit bitchy about the way things are when we have conversations and others are around. I think I want to touch on this topic for a wee bit if you don’t mind. Let me just say this now, I would MUCH rather you NOT talk to me when others are around if you feel like you have to treat me like one of your ‘dudes’. I am NOT your dude! I never will be, if you want to start treating me like ‘one of the boys’ then I will in return stop treating you the way a woman would treat her man no matter if we are in a packed auditorium or soul survivors of the universe. I am not just some random buddy that is calling to check on your fantasy football! It’s me, your everything remember! So do you think you could at least do me the common courtesy to NOT answer your phone if you have to treat me like a normal every day common Joe instead of someone you might try to show a little fucking emotion with! I really think it’s rude to have to just be like, ‘Howdy, I’m just about to eat, Oookay, well, uhh… bye then.’ Followed by a mushy gushy I love you so much baby, sunshine of my life text. Seriously!?! Just fucking hit IGNORE next time. I mean, I get it, I know WHY things are the way they are for now but please don’t make me feel like nothing. I think I at least deserve that. I at least deserve to be treated like someone worthy of your time and emotion when we interact and not just your dirty little secret. If you aren’t able to be ‘normal’ then I understand, it’s not a good time, you are busy, something is going on, I get it, just don’t answer and treat me like nobody. Okay sorry, I am being ridiculous here.

I don’t know maybe I am just reading too much into this and the feelings you did or did not have were as you said and that is why this is so ‘easy’ for you. Perhaps it feels right for you. You seem like you can take full breaths now. You have a sort of ‘chipperness’ to you now when we talk. That makes me a little less sad, it makes me smile that you are able to feel that free-ness, that you are able to sound ALIVE again. I missed that in you. You were so alive in the beginning. So full of laughs and life. I used to love to just sit back and listen to you and Little Man play; I loved his demanding little, ‘Iron Man daddy, Iron Man!!!!’ Your muffled speech through the helmet makes me smile just thinking about it (: The laughs and chuckles were priceless. I hope you get to share these moments often. I know how much he means to you. I hope you don’t lose the closeness you two share, in all of this.   

I wish you would open up to me. Let me in to whatever is going on inside of your head right now. I don’t want you to be afraid of hurting me. I am stronger than you think or I believe. I can’t take it. Don’t let my tears fool you. I cry but it doesn’t mean that I am weak! Crying makes me stronger. Crying lets me know that I will be okay. The tears that fall just encourage me more; ignite the flame that burns inside. I am fully aware that maybe you ought to find YOU in this process. And I am okay if by finding YOU, you need to let go of me. It’s what is most important in all of this. If after everything that has happened you don’t end up finding you then you should have just stayed where you were.

I am being an oversensitive bitch right now but hey, you know this about me, I never hid it from you (: I am a high maintenance, overly sensitive, class 5 clinging, bossy, nosey, LOUD, bitchy SUPER CRIER that demands to be treated like a Queen (: You know all of this and still say you love me. You’re either a keeper or a myth, think I’m gonna try to keep ya…

I will get off of my soapbox now. I am done telling you how to deal with what I consider to be, your problems, while I do NOTHING to deal with my own demons (: I am much better at telling others what I think (: it’s what I do…

I am going to say goodnight now my Moon. I miss you. I miss my nights being filled with you, with US. I miss just laying and breathing and loving.

Rawr………