This is the best part… And other things I used to believe.

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You’re still here huh? I was thinking you might be. You keep saying you’re never leaving me, but you know how I don’t believe in anything like that, and somehow you haven’t yet.

I was going to go somewhere with this early. I can tell because I titled and saved, which I rarely do without having wrote a substantial amount, ‘write/scream/cry/plead/whine THEN title’ that’s what I always say, but i don’t know were it was.

Maybe I was trying to remind myself to write about something when I had the time.

I’m sure it was about this afternoon, and lastnight, and how I soooooo miss being with you, being US, but how I have somehow locked away all the good and made myself forget what US feels like. (I’m guessing that’s it since all of a sudden i feel like i have a million things to write about)

Hearing you say, ‘This is the best part, afterwards…’ brought a memory of before with it that almost took my breathe away.

I remembered thinking the same thing some time ago. I vaguely remember laying there, trying to catch my breathe, heart still racing, body still tingling, and thinking, ‘Fuck, this is what amazing must feel like.’ I can remember a feeling so intense with you that it was like our souls intertwined, my being became your being, sparks felt like they were running along my skin, I felt the love of US like I have never felt anything before; and I’m sure never will again.

I remember then thinking, this can’t be real, people don’t feel this. I remember trying to convinc that i was imaging things, trying to not let myself believe a feeling so foreign.

I must have done a pretty good job because I was able to block it out, not believe…

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I don’t believe… If I ever believe in anything it will be you. I promise.

I’m sorry. Just because I don’t believe… doesn’t mean I don’t love you.

I’m yours.

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I’m finding it harder to ignore the hurt in my soul… I miss you.

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I didn’t realize how much I was hoping for The End of the World until I spent ALL of yesterday waiting for the end to come.

I am pretty sure this was going to be about how I couldn’t think of much else than the end finally coming and this weird sense of calm i got when I thought about how the pain and hurt would maybe finally end. Yesterday was supposed to be my fucking out!

Fuck you End of the World for not following through!!

So now instead of wherever I would be I’m stuck here, in hell on earth, with someone who couldn’t care less about me, faking it while trying to f’ing make it, reminding myself to breathe, longing for US and waiting for the next ‘big catastrophe’ that is going to hit, well wishing actually.

It’s the weekend now, I think, and the holidays on top of that so anytime with you seems impossible and that is depressing. I guess I’m going to throw on some music and get lost in it.

I’m sorry. I miss you. I love you.
I’m yours.

The world hasn’t ended yet… At least I don’t think has but this very well could be hell.

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I can’t stop thinking about reading more of this blog. I want to grab a cup of coffee and curl up with my fuzzy, cozy, warm purple blanket and get lost in the story of US.
But I can’t.
Even after reading just those few post from September the hurt and longing for you came screaming to the surface, making it that much harder to ignore. I’m afraid if I read what I’ve wrote about US the small embers that burn for you will be ignited and well, all hell would surely break loose then. Right?!
So instead I will sit here and try to remember to breathe, reminding myself of all the reasons why I belong on this earth, and fighting to hear anything over the pounding of my heart in my ears.
I’m sorry.  

I don’t really have words this morning, just happy smiles and tingly everything’s… Thank you. I love you.

Is it just me or is the sun shining brighter today? Am I the only one who feels like they are floating on the clouds? I feel like I have spent the morning with my feet barely touching the ground as I float from task to task with a smile on my face and a tingle in my… everywhere (:

I don’t even know what to say about last night, the early hours of morning, waking at dawn scared and looking for you, like I often do, but you were here so I was lulled back to sleep by the sounds of you sleeping and the warmth of your love; and I am positive I have no words for the wake up you gave me this morning.

You never cease to amaze me with your ability to love, to make love; if there have ever been any words spoken in this universe that I want to believe in they were whispered/moaned/groaned from the love produced from US last night. I truly found myself lost in a jumbled mess of US-ness and it was amazing.

I don’t know how you do it. I don’t know what I have done to deserve a love like yours but I only hope I am worthy of it. I hope I don’t lose it. I feel like we lost a part of US along the way but last night proved that there is nothing lost from US.

I know now what the true loss of US feels like and I will do any and everything for the rest of my days to not feel that agony again. And I think that last night you showed me that you feel the same. I love you. I heard every whispered word and felt every tender touch of yours. Thank you. I love you more than I ever thought possible. Please stay.

I felt US last night. I feel US right now. She is not letting me forget any detail of the last 14 hours and I am sooooo okay with that. Just writing the last few words have my breasts tingling and aching for your touch again. I am seriously having trouble fighting back the tingle. And the thought of having to wait at least 2 more hours is killing me, and that is if you don’t have to do something after work today, well something besides me…

I hope this feeling lasts. I hope the love of US is healing the parts of my soul that need it because I am definitely feeling US in ALL other parts today (:

I love you.

I miss you.

I can’t wait to be with you again. I will be waiting. In my panties. And maybe a pair of heels.

Please don’t make me wait long. I don’t know if I can….

I’m yours.

 

 

 

 

 

I miss you. I hope you are enjoying your day off without me. I will be waiting for you. Please don’t keep waiting for too long. She gets impatient.

I have a lot to say but the words are nowhere to be found.

So, instead I will just say…

I miss you.

I love you.

I hope that we get some US time tonight.

Until this evening my Moon. I love you.

I’m yours.

 

 

 

Take me, I’m yours to keep. Please.


You called. We talked. Kinda. Maybe it was more of you trying to fill the awkward silence while I just tried my hardest to breathe and not let the wall of tears flow because once they did I knew there would be no stopping them.

It was so hard.

The sight of your number on the phone reached in and snatched all life from my core for a few seconds. Having to answer and try to find my voice was almost impossible but somehow I managed and mumbled a hello. As soon as I heard your voice, I miss your voice the most; it was everything in my being to hold it together. All of the hurt, miss, love, lust, want, desire, need, and everything else I have ever felt for US came rushing back and like a dam that had been pushed to its limits for too long and could finally take no more they all hit me and I was lost, drowning, in a sea of US.

I couldn’t find my breath for so long. I found it hard to take a lung full of air at once and had to keep giving myself ‘breaks’ of US so that I didn’t end up a crumbled, pile of tears, on the floor while you witnessed, it’s hard enough to deal with when I don’t have an audience, I want no one to see just how broken my soul is. You tried to make it as painless as possible and of course I was reminded of why I love you so much and the pain from the loss of US stabbed into my soul again.

I think I did an okay job.

I had a little bit of help from the interruption and phone call that I had to deal with for 20 minutes. By the time I was done you were fast asleep. I was a bit relieved, sadly, but being able to lie with you and hear your breaths while they soothed away the ache in my soul was just what I needed so I am definitely not complaining (:

Not often do you fall asleep before me so I enjoyed being able to snuggle in and breathe easy knowing that you were right there. I finally got my turn to whisper soft nothings to you as you sleep. I love the way you would respond to some of my words, be it an in take of breath or a soft moan; it was so easy to tell you all of things I have been holding in for so long now. And I got to finish reading the end of Fifty Shades of Grey, made for a pretty amazing end to a stressful hump day. Thank you Mister.

I got lost in US so easily it’s scary but also something so much more magical. I tried not to fight US. I just laid there and let the love of US wash over me and loved every second of it.

I missed US so much. It felt so right being with you. I realized right then, that no matter where I was in this universe that you would always own a part of my soul. You don’t have a choice, it is yours, and I am yours to keep. I can fight US no longer. I don’t want to fight US any longer.

You finally woke and told me you love me, I was half of a second from protesting when you shut me up, snuggled me, and wrapped me in your love. I have never been so turned on so quickly before; there was something about your words and the way you delivered them so stern and yet full of love, maybe I’m reading too much Fifty… I think you could be my Sir. I know you could. But, you don’t want me anymore…

So, I will continue to live this half alive, barely feeling, numb filled life without US. I have to, I have no other choice. I have tried my hardest to show you how deep my love is for you. I have pulled out some of my best craziest class-5 clinger moves as well, which could explain why you are running for the hills, but I succeed in only pushing you further away and my goal of keeping you was not reached.

I’m so sorry I lost you. I’m sorry that I fought US so hard. I know now that I will never find a love like US and I am learning to accept that, however hard that be.

I love you. I will love you forever, for always, eternally.

You, my dear, are my soul.

I know that even if you don’t find your way back to me now that you will someday, you have too, our souls belong together; and I will be here, yours, when you do. 

I love you. Always.

 

 

 

I’m ready to be in your arms again… Feeling a love only US can.

I love you. I love listening to you. I love hearing you, I really love hearing you (: I love the way you love me. I love the way you calm me or bring me back to US when I most need it.

I miss you. I miss you every second we are apart. I’m sorry we are apart so much.

I love you.

I’m pretty much ready to follow the white rabbit… Get me the fuck out of here. Thank you and goodnight.

I don’t want to be angry anymore. I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want to miss. I don’t want to long for you. I don’t want to feel the loss of you in my bones. I don’t want my soul to feel like it’s cold and empty. I don’t want to be reminded of the amazing-ness of US. I don’t want to forget the love you showed me. I don’t want to remember the way I could feel your love ignite my soul. I don’t want to remember any of the good. I don’t want to feel the pain from all the bad. I don’t want to be sorry. I don’t want the guilt. I don’t want to be the last thing you think of. I don’t want to be reminded of you every time I lie in the silent, darkness of night. I don’t want to be brought to my knees with sadness because the memories of US are too hard to fight. I don’t want the memories. I don’t want to deal with the tears that are unstoppable. I don’t want EVERY fucking song to remind me of US. I don’t want to be nothing to you. I don’t want anything from you.

I want to wake up from this fucking nightmare. I want to not fucking care anymore. I want forget everything. I want you to keep walking, don’t turn around and pretend any longer, keep moving. I am hoping someday you will just be a tiny dot on the horizon, not able to hurt me any longer.

I won’t try forever. And I’m pretty sure you are just fine with that because apparently your ‘forever’ isn’t as long as mine. It fucking sucks actually. It’s more like a maybe than a forever.

Ugh.

T-minus 2 days and counting… Take me to the river, drop me in the water.

Two more days and I will be in the middle of the woods, surrounded my sun, stars, and a river to calm my soul. You won’t be there. You won’t ever be there again. I am still struggling with that. Obviously.

You will be a part of everything I do. I will be reminded of you in everything I do this weekend and I am wondering how I will cope with that. I am wondering if the sun will be able to chase the cold that has wrapped itself around me. I am hoping I will be able to hide the sad of my eyes behind my big black sunglasses. I don’t know if I have what it takes to fake the smiles anymore. I am most scared that the nothing will take over and that I won’t be able to do or feel anything because how do you hide nothing? How can you fake anything when you feel fucking nothing?

I keep thinking of the river, hoping it will be able to pull out of this black pit that I am barely hanging onto the side of. I feel like at anytime the grasp that I have will give and I will go tumbling down and never be able to make it out again. I don’t know how many times I can be so close to the edge before the edge crumbles right beneath my grip, not giving me the chance to hang on any longer.

I’m glad that you are holding strong. I know that sounds fucked up but I don’t really care. If you weren’t strong enough to walk away then we both know I would never be, and we would be stuck in this fucking cycle of US forever.

I remember when US and forever in the same sentence sounded like a fairytale not this fucking nightmare.

I miss US.

Goodbye…

I often wonder how long you will ‘Understand’… I’m hoping forever. I’m wishing for always. I’m expecting not much longer.

 

So my idea was to get on here and write out all the ugly, nasty, mean words that are floating around in my head but I wont because I know that I am only hurt and sad right now. I know that I am not really angry and wouldn’t mean any of them if I did say them so then having said them would have been for nothing but to be mean. And I am a lot of things but mean is not really one of them. I don’t think anyway.

So instead, all I got for now is an I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for being crabby and bitchy and moody and sad and all the other horrible things I have been lately. I need you, I need you bad but I won’t let myself believe it or even think about it really. So I take all the need and turn it into anger, mostly at myself but some a lot of it leaks out and spills onto you and I’m sorry for that.

I’m sorry for everything.