Dear Universe, Please show me something Amazing today… Make me feel alive.


 

Hey there.

I miss you. I want to lie in bed with you all day and just get lost in your love and snuggle into you, wrapped in your arms, forever. In your arms is the only place that I feel safe, it is the only time that I am able to fully breathe.

And that scares me. I need to be able to be okay on my own. I want to be okay on my own. I want to be able to fall asleep at night and not constantly be woken with nightmares.

I guess I am going to stop this now. It isn’t making me feel better for some reason. I am feeling a bit worse right now actually.

I am going to blast some music, my specialty, and get lost in cleaning, until I can get lost in US.

I love you.

I miss you.

I’m yours.

 

 

 

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Take me, I’m yours to keep. Please.


You called. We talked. Kinda. Maybe it was more of you trying to fill the awkward silence while I just tried my hardest to breathe and not let the wall of tears flow because once they did I knew there would be no stopping them.

It was so hard.

The sight of your number on the phone reached in and snatched all life from my core for a few seconds. Having to answer and try to find my voice was almost impossible but somehow I managed and mumbled a hello. As soon as I heard your voice, I miss your voice the most; it was everything in my being to hold it together. All of the hurt, miss, love, lust, want, desire, need, and everything else I have ever felt for US came rushing back and like a dam that had been pushed to its limits for too long and could finally take no more they all hit me and I was lost, drowning, in a sea of US.

I couldn’t find my breath for so long. I found it hard to take a lung full of air at once and had to keep giving myself ‘breaks’ of US so that I didn’t end up a crumbled, pile of tears, on the floor while you witnessed, it’s hard enough to deal with when I don’t have an audience, I want no one to see just how broken my soul is. You tried to make it as painless as possible and of course I was reminded of why I love you so much and the pain from the loss of US stabbed into my soul again.

I think I did an okay job.

I had a little bit of help from the interruption and phone call that I had to deal with for 20 minutes. By the time I was done you were fast asleep. I was a bit relieved, sadly, but being able to lie with you and hear your breaths while they soothed away the ache in my soul was just what I needed so I am definitely not complaining (:

Not often do you fall asleep before me so I enjoyed being able to snuggle in and breathe easy knowing that you were right there. I finally got my turn to whisper soft nothings to you as you sleep. I love the way you would respond to some of my words, be it an in take of breath or a soft moan; it was so easy to tell you all of things I have been holding in for so long now. And I got to finish reading the end of Fifty Shades of Grey, made for a pretty amazing end to a stressful hump day. Thank you Mister.

I got lost in US so easily it’s scary but also something so much more magical. I tried not to fight US. I just laid there and let the love of US wash over me and loved every second of it.

I missed US so much. It felt so right being with you. I realized right then, that no matter where I was in this universe that you would always own a part of my soul. You don’t have a choice, it is yours, and I am yours to keep. I can fight US no longer. I don’t want to fight US any longer.

You finally woke and told me you love me, I was half of a second from protesting when you shut me up, snuggled me, and wrapped me in your love. I have never been so turned on so quickly before; there was something about your words and the way you delivered them so stern and yet full of love, maybe I’m reading too much Fifty… I think you could be my Sir. I know you could. But, you don’t want me anymore…

So, I will continue to live this half alive, barely feeling, numb filled life without US. I have to, I have no other choice. I have tried my hardest to show you how deep my love is for you. I have pulled out some of my best craziest class-5 clinger moves as well, which could explain why you are running for the hills, but I succeed in only pushing you further away and my goal of keeping you was not reached.

I’m so sorry I lost you. I’m sorry that I fought US so hard. I know now that I will never find a love like US and I am learning to accept that, however hard that be.

I love you. I will love you forever, for always, eternally.

You, my dear, are my soul.

I know that even if you don’t find your way back to me now that you will someday, you have too, our souls belong together; and I will be here, yours, when you do. 

I love you. Always.