A scary dark pit, and a few things I do know. Or at least I think I do…

I have been sitting here staring at the computer for about 20 minutes now. There are so many different things that want to get out, they are all jammed up like they are stuck in a door jam because so many are trying to escape at the same time they are just piling up on top of each other so really none get out.

Did I lose you on that one? I think I almost lost myself but I can visualize it perfectly. I guess that means that they are supposed to stay there, locked up, where they belong. In that cold, dark, too dark, and scary place.

I struggle sometimes with the idea of writing or not because I wonder if what I am feeling or saying is too bad or dark to put out there so I just bottle it up. I want to say fuck it and just say what I feel like I usually do but something is holding me back. I hope things start changing soon because I am a bit frightened by the feelings I have been having and would really like the ‘comfort’ I feel when I am able to ‘write it out’.

I do know that you love me. I do know that you are Amazing Ridiculous. I do know that you amaze me every morning I wake up to a text, message, or voicemail. I do know that things would be so much worse without you. I do know that as hard as I try I can’t stop the pushing.

I’m so sorry. I wish I knew how to fix me, fix this, fix US. Sadly I don’t even think I am fixable.

Goodnight my Moon. I need you. I miss you. I love you.