Scattered thoughts from a sunny spring day. . Too bad my heart is so cold.

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Dear Universe,

My drafts folder was filling up quite nicely for a bit there but now it sits lonely and forgotten.. I’ve been trying to go with the flow and just live but it only works for a little while before life knocks me down again.

I’m back.

I am here to write another day.

I’ve been encouraged by a few friends lately to start a blog.

If they only fucking knew…

So here I am.

Attempting to write in the few spare minutes I have because clean/tidy houses are overfuckingrated anyways and like I’ve said so many times before writing fucking saves me.

I have for so long only wrote about the parts of my life that include Moon and have left any and everything not him or US out, or try to anyways, but again I’m going to try to get some of the crazy that has taken up space.

The Baby Daddy and I have reached an all time low when it comes to communication/decisions/life in general etc and he has taken his emotional abuse to a whole new level. I have slowly opened up to people close to me, not by choice but after much prodding/coaxing, and they have been instrumental in helping me realize just how bad things really are.

I think I was able to ‘bandaid’ it all before because I had Moon there to support me and comfort me but since he has left it has become almost unbearable at times. I have seriously considered getting in the car and driving away, as far as I could go and start again, but reality and the love for my Littles always keeps me here putting one step in front of the other and trying to keep the smile on my face. It works sometimes, most of the times usually, but a lady can only take so much before she wants to fucking snap.

I haven’t had the time or energy to write at night or anytime really but there have been times I wish I could. I am considering carrying around a notebook and pen but I doubt I would ever have the time to post them over so it would be pointless, the feeling of my fingers across the keyboard is what is the most comforting to me and I wouldn’t get that with a pen and tablet anyway.

I’m feeling a bit proud of the fact that I have been dealing with some shit lately and haven’t ran to a guy to cover up whatever is going on. I have done the opposite actually and pushed away about any male that has tried to get close physically/emotionally/anything.

And I like it.

I also like that the episodes of missing Moon have become fewer and farther between. .My breath is barely taken anymore and the hurt is so sudden I can almost forget what it feels like.

I don’t remember why or what I was saying in this post, as usual so I guess I will just end it here before I go off on some other random tangent.

Maybe someday I will write about my crazy buckwilde downward spiral I went on right after Moon left and tell you about a few of my dating ‘meet ups’. Maybe I’ll write about Coach Spanks or Muscle Guy, although Mr Legs is quite an interesting one too…

Just thinking back I don’t even believe some of it myself and it was me there making the fucking memories…. Oy vey.

Another time Universe. Another time.