How easily the words come to me in a post… Not so much in Life.

let him go

 

Dear Universe,

I think I went 23 minutes, plus sleep time, before I gave in and text Him. Pathetic I know but really that is what I am when it comes to Him, pathetic.

We haven’t talked only text because talking = crying to me and I’m sure annoying to Him. But do you think that stops me from contacting Him? Well, if you have been following my blog at all you know I am a class 5 clinger so me quietly going away and letting go is near impossible.

Through messaging today we accomplished nothing.

I miss Him.

But I know talking is not what either of us need. I would find it hard to ask about any and every tiny detail about the new chick. I want to know if when they first me the connection was so instant and powerful? Were they unable to be apart the way we were? Did they have to find a way to sneak off again within hours only to spend the time snuggled and staring like silly teenagers next to each other? Did he spend hours in a parking lot close to her? Does he get an indescribable feeling when around her? Does she run through his mind at the most random times? Does every fucking thing remind him of her?

So yeah, pretty much why I don’t have a ton to say when we communicate because that is the fucking crazy running through my mind.

And then He asks why I have been so distant the last 4 months?

What?!

Are you fucking serious?

For so many reasons, but most of them I can’t tell Him.

How do you tell someone that the reason you stay away and push and push is because whenever you have any contact with them it feels like there are teeny tiny magnets filling every cell of your being and they tingle and get warm and feel like they are being pulled toward Him, even if it’s a phone or text convo… And if we are in person. Fo’get about it! He’s running his hands across my body? I’m a fucking puddle, literally.

Lameness. That is what that is. L. A. M. E. And so fucking embarrassing.

I may have said it before but the connection is physical but not sexual, although it can be sexual, very, very, very sexual, but it also can be not at all. I can sit next to Him and feel connected. Like we are on the same wave length. Our things are doing the same things. It’s so strange. And so frightening.

I have never felt something like this before.

And life had it’s own plan and ideas.

And now I am sitting here, trying to find it in me to not reach out to Him, not to beg Him to just wait for me to get my shit together and see what life has in store for me the rest of this wild ride I’m currently on.

But I can’t.

I can’t do that.

I wont ask someone to wait for me. There is no guarantee I will be here in 5 minutes let alone 5 months or more.

I thought before when I met Moon that I had found my soulmate. I know now that eventhough I allowed him into the deepest parts of my soul that we were not connected the way that Him and I are (at least we were never given the chance to see but even at our closest I never felt the feels I do now). I don’t know how to explain it but something crazy and insane and beautiful happens when we are together.

And I am having the hardest fucking time letting go.

Imagine that.

 

 

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A song has been haunting me the last few days… guess I’ll post it here tonight. Music kills me and saves me sometimes at the same time.

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I know what it feels like to live half alive.

I do it on the daily.

I give up thinking that the part of me that fell in love with you will ever let you go.

I am now just trying to learn how to live with the fact.

I don’t think there is anything to help me.

I don’t know if there will be anything to bring me back to life.

I sound stupid/pathetic/weak but I don’t give a fuck.

I guess if you have never loved with the depth that I have then there is no way you could ever understand.

I know I could never understand this had I not been thrown in face first and had to live it.

I don’t wish this hurt on anyone.

Well, anyone but you.

I wish you would know what this hurt feels like. I wish you would have to beg for sleep at night while trying to ignore the ugly thoughts that run through your head on repeat only to haunt you in your dreams. I wish you knew what it felt like to love someone with every part of your being only to be slapped in the face and forced to face the facts that all the love they vowed to you was nothing but liesand worse yet they were leaving you, forever. I wish you would know the feeling of trusting someone with your heart and soul only to stand by helplessly and watch them shatter you into something that is unrecognizable. I wish you would have to then watch that person walk away unscathed, into the arms of someone half their age, and flaunt some fake ass love in your face. I wish I was able to find some ‘bandaid’ type of love to throw myself into so I didn’t have to face the reality of what would never be. I wish I could only think with my genitals and not give a fuck what my soul said. I wish I could tell you that long distance kills me only to throw myself right into another one, one that is even more likely to fail than anything because it’s literally made up from make believe and fairy tales.

I wish you knew the love you threw away. I wish you realized when you walked away just how much love you were throwing away.

That’s the funny thing about wishes tho, you can wish until your blue in the face but unless it’s meant to be.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=WQV71jYzjME”

I was told not to blog so I didn’t, well I did I just didn’t post it… Until now.

 

say sorry

 

So I’ve been told not to blog.

I know that no one on this rock knows me better than you so I’m pretty sure you are expecting this, probably waiting for it, and if you hate me well, I’ll just take the hate.

You know I truly had no intention of ever writing to you again.

I actually dreamt of you 3 or 4 nights ago.

It was amazing.

I wasn’t searching for you.

None of your features were blurred.

It was your smiling face and amazing blue eyes.

We weren’t fighting.

We weren’t hiding from anyone.

You didn’t reject me.

We spent a lot of time just snuggling together smiling and me hiding my face in your chest.

It wasn’t some steamy porno dream (damnit) but we did at some point find each other but there was nothing rushed or phony about it.

I felt happy, loved, and peaceful.

It was amazing.

I woke up feeling less heavy than I have in a long time.

I took it as a sign that my soul was finally accepting the fact that it had to go on without you and that I needed to accept it now also.

So I did.

And now this.

Not even 72 hours later and I’m sitting here with tears streaming down my face, mascara smeared, broken (again), hurting, not breathing, wondering why the fuck I am so fucking stupid?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I should have listened to my soul when it was screaming at me to ignore you no matter how hard it was.

But I didn’t.

I’m a fucking idiot.

I’m weak when it comes to your love.

I will fall for it everytime.

I still believe in it. (hey I already said I was an idiot ok sorry)

I think I will want to believe in it forever. Why wouldn’t I? I spent years of my life believing it. I truly saw myself believing in it for an eternity.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

You still don’t want to admit to anyone close to you that I mean something to you.

You don’t want any of them to know that you care about me.

So who are you lying to?

Me?

Them?

Yourself?

There has to be a reason why you didn’t want me to blog about our conversations or Skype.

What is it?

You must really be lying to someone to go out of your way to make it a point to tell me you’d regret it because I would blog/Facebook/tell people.

Who would I tell?

I guess the bigger question is who would you NOT tell?

And if they mean so fucking much to you then why continue to fuck with me?

Why pretend like you love me and want to start over if it’s all just fucking bullshit?!?!?!?!?

I don’t think I will ever understand how you could say that you shared the love that I had for you when you over and over again you hurt/break/tear me down? If you had the love that I have/had there would be no way that you would ever want to hurt or see me hurt the way that you have.

I started this last night.

As we were arguing via text.

Before you text me and called me.

Before we Skype’d.

Before we spent time just being US.

Before we laughed as we tried to remember why we were fighting in the first place and then spent time trying to figure out why we started fighting in the first place.

Before we spent time just talking to each other, not yelling/fighting/crying(well a little bit of crying, it’s me duh)/hanging up on each other/blaming/denying.

I miss that so bad.

I miss the way that whatever we are doing it just flows, there is no awkwardness, everything smoothly transitions into the next. I’m happy that there was very little lovey dovey mushy gushy stuff. It was simply just US.

I missed the way you make me laugh.

I missed looking up to see your smile and blue eyes looking back at me.

But…

I’m sure it was a mistake.

I’m sure you really aren’t going to change.

I’m sure no one knows that you are talking to me.

I’m sure that you’d deny deny deny that any of the above happened.

I’m sure that I haven’t crossed your mind today.

I’m sure that I could keep calling for days and if you weren’t by yourself then you wouldn’t respond or aknowledge me.

And I am requiring more of that from people that I allow into my life.

On another note I have a new anthem check it out. I think it is amazefuckingballz!!

 

I’m a sad soul… Living inside of a corpse.

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I want to wake up. I want to find out this was all a sick nightmare. I want you to tell me this was all just a way for you test my love and make sure that it was real and that I passed and you’re mine and you always have and always will be.

None of those things are going to happen.

You are really gone.

You’re not coming back.

You don’t want to be back.

How the fuck can I be writing these words? How can I be talking about us when I type out that you’re gone?!

You’re gone….

I can’t accept it, I can’t breathe when I try to so I have given up trying.

I know I’ve said it earlier but I truly feel the absence of you in my soul. I can’t believe that for a whole fucking lifetime I have to go without you.

This is so much worse than I have ever felt before.

Why?!

Why did you spend so many years stroking my love? Why would you tell me all these fake stories of how you were the one for me? Why would you pretend like you loved me?

I don’t even know what to do. I want to beg you to come back. And then I remember… I did.

You barely heard me.

I want to sleep. I don’t want you to be in my dreams anymore. I don’t want to have to feel the loss of you even while I sleep.

But it doesn’t matter.

You live in my soul. You have been burned into my being. No matter where I go or what I do you are always there, lingering is the pain of you missing, I can’t escape it.

And everything I’m feeling makes me so fucking pathetic I can hardly stand it.

I’m broken. I’m dead. I’m a walking fucking zombie.

All because I believed in a love that wasn’t even fucking real!!!

Why did I believe in you?

 

Take my heart, it’s no good to anyone else… it only belongs to you.

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Today is my first real day without you. I feel you missing from my soul. It’s an odd feeling, one I’ve not experienced before. I literally feel empty inside, like I’m walking, talking, and doing the motions of daily life but I don’t feel anything.

I smile but only for appearance.

I’m dead on the inside.

I talked to a friend yesterday, one I haven’t talked to in awhile, he said something that struck a chord. He said that your past is your past for a reason.

You’re my past.

I need to accept that and let you go.

I need to not dwell on the fact that I wasn’t good enough for you, that my love meant nothing to you, that everything I thought we had was NOTHING…

I heard his words. I understand them. But my heart and soul doesn’t know how to let go. How do you let go of everything you thought would be yours for a lifetime?

How do you walk away and not fight until you’re last breath for something that you’d lay your life down for?

How do you live knowing that the other piece to your soul is going to be someone else’s forever?

How do you give up with no regret?

I’m asking you ask these questions because you’ve done them all already. You’ve continued living without me like I never existed.

How?

Please give me the answers. Please help the hurt go away.

Please.

Anyone…

I made it through another day… now if I can only survive through the night.

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I’m too sad to write much of anything but it was this or call/text you, and well, that’s not an option…

I hate when I’m quiet. Quiet is bad.

Is life really that much better without me?

Was life with me so bad that you’d leave and never look back?

I’m sorry.

If I listen close enough I swear I can still hear your voice… Soulaches.

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I’m trying my hardest to not be weak.

I’m trying my hardest to not care.

I’m trying my hardest to breathe.

I’m taking it one step at a time. I’m putting one foot in front of the other and I’m focusing only on my next step.

I’m sure this sounds stupid and pity to you, I doubt you could even relate to feeling like there is no meaning in this world, but for me this is the cold, hard truth.

I will make it through this. I will live. I always knew I would.

I don’t want to.

I don’t want to have to learn how to live without fully feeling alive. But I have to.

I have to learn how to not let the hurt of missing you bring me to my knees.

I have to learn how to smile on the outside while masking the white hot burn I feel at my core from the loss of you.

I have to learn to not run to you when I’m hurt/sad/angry/happy/excited/nervous/sick.

I have to remind myself that I will survive.

I have to remind myself to breathe, literally.

I have to find strength in the fact that this is what you want and that you are happier without me.

I have to do all of these things, alone, all of the things that you promised I would never have to worry about have become my reality.

I am literally living half alive.

And it’s complete bullshit.

I shouldn’t have to. You are alive. You are walking this earth. No sick disease stole you from me.

You walked away on your own free will. Without looking back or thinking how it would affect me.

I can’t believe it.

I am struggling to accept that after YEARS of loving me, and convincing me to do the same, you would just walk away and leave me crumpled on the floor.

I keep going back to this not being real; that everything we ever had was fake or make believe. I can’t understand how, if what we had was real, you could just walk away. If the love that I felt from you was real there is no way that I could ever live without it; so how can you?

Since you walked away without looking back and are very much alive then…

It had to be fake…

Bravo.

It took hours to find the words… I don’t got anything left for a title.

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I’ve been sitting here for awhile now and all I do is delete everything I’ve typed.

It doesn’t matter.

It’s all the same.

I’m hurt, missing you, wanting you, crying for you, blah fuckity blah blah…

I don’t know who I am anymore.

If I was insecure before then I wonder what you would call what I am now. I can only explain it as broken.

I feel like I don’t matter. I don’t know how to take a compliment. I turn awkward and sound rude because I don’t believe it. I feel like they are trying to make me feel better and that they are not sincere. I can’t understand what they could possibly see in me when you see nothing at all. I’m so bad at it that I have had someone tell me to stop, that I’m beautiful and funny and sexy and smart and I need to start seeing it and accept it. I don’t even know how I responded to him but I know all I was thinking was that I wish it had been you saying it.

I’m sure I won’t speak to him again for months….

Sadly, I’m okay with that.

It’s you I want.

Pathetic…

You came back and we live happily ever after… April Fools

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I’m convinced you do things just to hurt me now. You don’t want to take the time to answer the phone when I call or to respond to a text I send but you will take the time to record a video to send to me with the message attached ‘here babe’…

Seriously?!

That is what I am worth to you now? You want to throw a 2 minute video to me satisfy me for a while so I leave you alone?

Well you got what you wanted.

I’m leaving you alone.

I will no longer sit here and try to convince you of my love. I have done everything I could. I have begged and cried. I have told you I’m sorry over and over.

You didn’t care. You don’t care.

4 months is a long time.

Long enough to decide if someone is worth fighting for.

Years from now when we look back at this time in our lives I can honestly say that I fought for US as hard as I could. I held on for as long as could kicking and screaming.

Will  you be able to say the same thing?

Say Something… I’m giving up on You.

time to let go

I had spent a little time this morning writing. But then I remembered that you don’t care anymore. I remembered that we spent time talking a few days ago and I told you exactly how I felt and how much I hurt and loved you, well I pretty much had word vomit all over you, but you didn’t care. It didn’t bother you at all. I doubt you even stopped doing whatever you were doing to even have the conversation we had. I questioned whether you even heard most of what I was saying.

You’re done with me.

You have moved past US.

You love me and will forever BUT you can’t see yourself with anyone else ever again.

I call bullshit.

I’m not even worth the effort it takes to answer a call or send a response text.  But I am more than sure that you have spent more effort and time interacting with other people.

I wonder when you tell people that you can’t sleep if you tell them you can’t sleep because you are supposed to be sleeping with me. You don’t. Most of them don’t even know I exist.

It hurts.

I’m so tired of being sad. I’m so tired of missing you and hurting.

You might decide someday that letting me go was a mistake; what will you feel when you realize I’m not coming back? Will it kill you to know that I was yours but you tossed me aside and decided that I wasn’t worth your time anymore?

This song has been running through my head for days now and it just happened to finally pop up on Pandora so I’m going to let it finish my post for me.

I think it says it beautifully….

Say Something…. A Great Big World

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’ll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere, I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I’m still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
Anywhere, I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You’re the one that I love
And I’m saying goodbye

Say something, I’m giving up on you
And I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
And anywhere, I would have followed you
Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I’m giving up on you

Say something, I’m giving up on you
Say something