More on Him… Less on my sanity.

Dear Universe,

When I’m tossing and turning in bed at night I write the most fabulous posts.. in my head.

And then when I find the time to sit down with the keyboard I get this.. nothing.

Words just jumbled in my brain, all trying to escape at once and everyone trying to communicate with someone else. And it fucking sucks. How can I write when I can’t find one thing to stick to? It’s exhausting.

Almost as exhausting as no sleep.

Almost.

I am trying my hardest to avoid the topic of Him. But if I want to get my crazy out, here is where it should happen.

Maybe someday I will open up about more of my life here than just my broken, tender heart but that just gets too deep into the rabbit hole.

And I’m so broken without Him…

We didn’t stick to our words.

Promises were broken and love was abundant.

I came alive in His arms, and mouth.

I needed to be reminded that I hadn’t made our story and connection up.

He is real.

Our love is undeniable.

Connecting is immediate, still.

I’ll never be done loving him.

We could live a thousand lifetimes, I will find him.

I have to.

I’m currently writing from the bathtub.

It’s that bad around here right now.

I’ve sunk to hiding out in the bathroom any chance I get, either in the bathtub or shower, always with music blaring while trying to remind myself that breathing is an involuntary action and shouldn’t be this hard…

So turns out that the years before that I thought I found and had fallen into the deepest love possible with Moon… yeah… that was nothing compared to what I experienced the last 3 years.

Not to diminish what I felt before, because at the time I had never experienced what I have now, and those were the strongest I’d felt at the time.

But now…

I have actually felt the feeling of my breath rushing out of my lungs while my throat turns dry and my heart races and that secret tingle starts down yonder.. all was from a simple smile from across the room when our eyes would meet.

I could, and did, lie in his arms for hours, not saying a word, while at the same time the two of us couldn’t have been more in sync with another being if we tried.

Our souls knew each other and were so connected when we touched it is almost scary, and is definitely unbelievable.

I didn’t know that you could find someone and being instantly and immediately drawn to them.

But I did.

And I was.

I still am.

But life did what it does best, and threw us for a loop.

We have spent the last few months at each other’s throats and not in the way we used to be.

I honestly don’t even know if LOVE describes what we have together. Is there a word that means something stronger than love? Because that is what He and I have.

Now, history would show that I’m feeling something completely one sided.

And I probably am.. hence being in the bathtub to drown out my tears (literally) while trying to find a way to believe that I am not the dumbest most gullible person in the world…

While He is not alone… possibly ( probably) balls deep inside someone else.

I actually thought I had found the 1 soul who would or could, never leave me. The one who only exists in fairy tales kind of person. Because honestly that is almost how our story is… fairytale-ish.

There was a period of time where we spent as much time as possible, as close to each other as possible. Hours and days were spent laying in each other’s arms, sometimes talking, laughing, whispering, kissing.

But most often our souls did the talking while the two of us just laid there soaking up the amazingness that was happening.

But where once there was rushing back to be together…. there is now missed calls, unanswered texts, and scheduled meet ups that usually don’t ‘meet up’..

Did I mention the unnumbered amount of ‘randoms’ who He says mean ‘nothing’ He’s been hooked up with for months? (Probably not, because in His defense I am living with the Baby Daddy still.. *Reminder* this is a judgement free zone here!)

It is soul crushing and nauseating at once.

Literally.

So what is a girl to do?

Do I stay on the path that He and I have mapped out even though He’s no longer a piece of it?

Do I throw myself into a ‘means nothing to me but you distract me from my soul dying’ relationship, to try to get through this?

Do I beg Him to wake up and realize that we could spend 3 lifetimes and never find anything comparable to this again, SO we really shouldn’t fuck it up (I mean.. are we seriously letting something that has zero value in comparison to what we have replace us? Is this fucking real life right now?)

I never wanted to be the chick that kept coming back and wouldn’t go away, like a pesky fruit fly, ever again. I have played that role. I could win awards for that role!

Yet here I am.. probably losing it over something that He doesn’t give 2 shits about anymore..

I’m.

So.

Fucking.

Stupid.

Sooooooo fucking stupid.

He’s already chose and I’m over here acting like there’s some huge decisions to be made.

What a fucking joke I am…

I give up.

I just wish my heart & soul did too…

I must be breaking again… Otherwise I wouldn’t be back.

Must be that time again. The time where the universe totally fucks you.. in the worst kind of way.

I was on an okay path for a quick minute there. Almost found Happy again, the kind of Happy that is there to stay, and then it was gone.

We bounced back and forth for a bit, Happy and I. But I have totally lost sight of it now.

Long gone.

Adios.

What do you say when you have literally felt almost everything you are feeling right this moment, only this time it’s a gazillion times worse and felt in every molecule of your being? And I’m not even being that overdramatic this time. The connection we found was literally imprinted on every cell of us.

And when you hear the saying ‘history repeats itself’, that shit is true. It does.

Over and fucking over.

And I’m one of the dummies that will keep playing along cuz I’m a glutton for pain and a sucker for love.

I am mostly coming here to get this shit out and put it down. So that when history comes back to slap me in the face again. And I come here to whine like a baby. Hopefully I see this fucking cycle and I finally man up enough to walk the fuck away. Stop allowing myself to be hurt and treated poorly.

I mean, is it really that fucking hard to just not say shit you can’t back?

Like is that some kind of terrible disease people get where they don’t gain the ability to not just say stupid shit they don’t plan on following up on?

It’s actually quite simple to just be real and honest. It is so much easier to remember shit you’ve said because well, you actually mean it, so if asked or questioned about it there is no problem recalling it.

It’s difficult to stay focused when I’m currently in a texting argusation (half arguing half conversating). And YouTube is killing me tonight too. All the Gods are against me tonight.

I’m possibly being overly sensitive  and a tad dramatic.

But when I think that I am on a certain path, not a quick and simple one either it’s actually quite long, bumpy, scary, and unknown, but you are pretty confident in the fact that you are on said path with someone you feel secure and safe with and find comfort in the fact that both of you have the same end goal in sight. And then you find out that the someone is actually also on some walks with others, that you know nothing about and aren’t aware of.

At.

All.

You know what.

I’m not going to do this right now.

I’m going to go watch the first snow fall of the season. With a cup of coffee. And some music.

Because I fucking love the snow. And it usually makes me feel better.

Let’s hope it does this time too.

 

 

 

 

I’m not much of a drinker… But I’m going to be tomorrow.

i am so

 

 

I was sitting down to write and the stopped to check out stats, bad idea. I noticed a post titled, An early morning Miss List, had received quite a few hits. I  of course clicked on it because, as with most things I write, I had no memory of writing or titling it so, of course I had to read what I wrote. Upon further inspection I realized I wrote it July 12th of last year. July 12th is a very special day to me, it’s her birthday and I miss her so much.

I, still, don’t remember writing it but everything I missed I still do.

I’m sorry it’s almost a year later and not much has changed.

I love you more. I miss you more. I need you more.

Everything else is pretty much the same.

Sorry.

You have found a way to ignite my soul again… And I love you always.

image

Ok here goes attempt ‘I don’t know how many’ at writing. I don’t even know if I have the words for what has gone down the last few days.

UNBELIEVABLE

A M A Z I N G

IMPOSSIBLE  

I could find a few million more I’m sure but I don’t have the energy to do it right now. On top of all the craziness that we are going through right now, it seems that I have come down with some type of bug. I don’t know what it is. I’m drained I know that; in more ways than one. And I don’t really know how to process it. I have spent so much of the last few days wrapped in the love of US that I don’t really get a chance to process what has happened.

I don’t have the energy to write about what I am feeling. You continue to amaze me, damn near by the second, and I don’t know how much longer this will last. I’m hoping forever, I’m wishing for always, but of course I am expecting not much longer…

I’m sorry.

I’m so sorry that you are showing me love like I have never experienced before and I am too fucked up and broken to fully accept it. I don’t ever want you to feel like I am not appreciative of your love or the way you are always so full of US… I am. I am sooo thankful to have found you. I am so grateful to have found someone on this planet that can ignite the passion, fire, desire, love, and touch my soul in a way I never thought possible.

It’s just that though.. I never thought a love like US was ever really a possibility. I was just kinda making through this life of mine with the fairytale of US lighting the way. I never thought it was REAL. I never thought that I would really be on the receiving end of a lover that wants nothing more than to make me feel e v e r y t h i n g in such intense ways.

I am so hoping I am wrong and you are right.

Talking to the Moon just came on and I had a sudden panic attack. That used to be our song. It used to be the theme song to US.

You ruined that.

I forgive you.

I always knew deep down that I would. I’m sure you did too. Because somehow you continue to fight and believe in the love of US..

But its the FORGETTING that is soooooo fucking hard!

I try to not let the scenes of you and her run through my head but they do, usually at the worst times possible, and I can’t stop them. It’s easier when you are there because when you are around you are so good at pushing them aside and quieting them. But as soon as you are gone the thoughts and craziness come screaming back.

Well, you are back from what you had to do and even though I am SURE I spent much of my last few posts talking about how much I was over you and would never let the love of US in again I was full of SHIT!!!

In your arms, wrapped in your love, reconnecting with your soul is where I want to spend forever.

To the Luna baby…

Rawr.

I don’t know who I am becoming… And I don’t know if I should embrace her or kill her.

I was going to write today. Well, write and POST today but I just can’t find it in me. I just want you to know that there is not a minute that goes by that I am not thinking of you. You fill almost my every thought.

Life is not my friend right now. She is throwing me some curve balls and I am trying my hardest to strike out. I am trying my hardest to keep my feet on this earth. I am reminding myself daily why it is that I need to still be here. I am finding a new me, and she scares me. She might scare you too.

Just because I don’t post doesn’t mean that I don’t love, miss, want, need y0u.

I miss you.

I love you.

I’m sorry.

I wish I could write like this again… I feel like I am about to burst at the seams.

There was a time that I was able to write to you openly and freely. I don’t know what happened but I want to find it again. I think it would be so much better for US if I could.

https://talking2mymoon.wordpress.com/2012/01/14/lets-face-it-you-my-dear-are-a-dirty-little-secret/

I can’t even title these things anymore… It has to get better than this.

I tried writing you again today. I deleted it. Like I have done with every post for I can’t remember how long. I’m sorry. I miss you. I miss the way you made me feel. I miss the way I was able to be carefree and fun with you. I miss laughing. The real laughs.

I miss so much about you, US, that I get lost in memory when I try to write and then what does come out is so warbled and messy that I get frustrated and delete it.

I am sorry that it looks like I am settling. I’m not. I have some big ideas burning within and I am trying to figure them out and see what to do with them.

Thank you. Thank you for letting me find me. Thank you for not smothering but not abandoning me either. I don’t deserve the love and patience you have shown me.

I’m sorry if the ending of this story is not with the picture perfect US that we had in mind. I’m sorry if by finding me we lose US.

I’m sorry about everything. I’m sorry I am so bad at expressing myself lately. I’m thinking of ways to fix that.

I miss US.

One doesn’t forget about ones Moon. Ever.


Guilty. Guilt. Tons of it. Everywhere I turn, everywhere I look. I can’t escape it. And I fucking hate it. I don’t like to feel guilty. I don’t do things that make me feel guilt. Guilt is an emotion that I avoid but for some reason I am smothered in it.

I have to focus on my situation here. I have to focus on making here livable again. I got so lost in US; the blackness crept in and almost stole everything from me. I need my attention to be here. You are distracting. You are what I dream about. US is the love you read about in those sappy fucking romance novels. But US can’t be. Not now.

I’m sorry.

I’m still going to write you. I know that walking away right now is going to be one of the hardest things I have done. But I have to. I will try to write whenever I have the urge to talk to you. I am hoping I will find comfort in writing to you because you have always cared so much about what I have to say. Everything. Even the stupid, dumb, whiney, bullshit that I usually give you. You would sit there, listen, and love.

Thank you. Thank you for being strong for me. Thank you for not making this any harder than it already is. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for loving. Thank you for being you. Thank you for showing me what love should feel like. Thank you for showing me that I could feel a love like US, a love so fierce, passionate, intense, and powerful that the memories are burned into my soul forever.

I will miss you.

I already do. I miss you the second we part. I always do.

I won’t say good bye. Now or ever.

Until we meet again my Moon. I love you.

 

A post deleted, a failed phone battery, and a heart that is heavy.

I had a whole post written. I deleted it. It was full of nothing but darkness. It sank me deeper into the dark just writing it. So hopefully now that it has been written and deleted it can stay deleted.

I miss you. I will miss you. I am hoping that this International Girls Weekend is just what I need. I guess I should start packing and stop dragging my feet.

I wish I could have told you I love you before I left. Fuck you cellphone battery!! I guess that’s why I have this here bloggy (:

I love you. I miss you already.

Until we meet again my Moon…