I have spent months without you now.

I have spent weeks trying to convince my heart and soul that it’s okay to move on and try to fit the pieces back together.

It isn’t really working.

Nothing really works.

At the end of the day everything comes back to you.

The words spoke weren’t from your mouth so they rushed right by.

The body didn’t belong to you so I am touched without feeling a fucking thing.

The promises and love professed was not from you so they might have well just not been said.

Just when I think I got this and that I am going to survive this… I am slammed with the reality that I have a whole lifetime left without you.

I remember that I have to go an eternity without feeling your love.

And then I can’t breathe.

I struggle to find the strength to carry on.

I search for the reasoning behind the universe bringing you into my life and showing me what it felt like to find someone that is a part of your soul… only to rip you away from me.

Was it a tease?

Were you testing me Universe? Did you want to see if I was able to love from the depths of my soul? Did I pass? Did you get what you wanted from this? Can you share with me the answers that I have spent too many sleepless nights searching for?

No?

Yea, I didn’t think so.

Because I don’t think there are answers to any of my questions.

Except one.

The only answer I come back to every time is that…

None of this was real.

All of this was just a made up story tale with the most tragic ending possible.

A soul shattered and destroyed beyond recognition.

I am so scared I wont be able to find enough pieces that are salvageable. It’s almost like there aren’t any pieces to look for because all that is left has been incinerated and what is left is barely recognizable like the sandy ash that is left behind; the kind that looks sturdy and solid but if you touch it everything slowly starts to crumble in on it’s self because it’s empty inside.

That’s me…

Empty inside.

And I doubt you even remember I existed.