Take it back… just take it all back.

image

Do you ever think about me anymore?

Do you miss me?

Do you regret letting me walk away?

Does your soul ache for me?

Do you lie awake at night and yearn for my love?

I do.

I do every one of these things and more.

But you get to be sad and hurt for someone else now.

I’m dying.

I don’t want to go on…

I can’t.

I need my soul back….

Please…

I’m so sad without you I don’t want to go on anymore… and I’m sick of pretending I do.

image

How are you surviving without me?

Oh, that’s right, you’re in love with someone else and haven’t loved me for months now.

Omg…

I’ll never stop loving you.

This too shall pass… this too shall pass…

What happens when the person you gave your everything to leaves taking your soul with them… you’re left just a shell of what you used to be.

image

Today is harder than ever to not reach out to you.

I no longer feel the need the way I used to but the want, well, the want is what is slowly killing me.

I know you don’t love/care/want me anymore.

My soul knows too.

But knowing does nothing to stop the pain/hurt/desire/want in me that craves for you every single second.

I just die a little more.

Knowing doesn’t stop the craziness in my head or the questions that beg to be answered.

All knowing does is tease me over and over again with the knowledge that you are in love with her/she’s with you/all the love, care, want, desire, need, lust, magic that you and I felt wasn’t enough to hold onto you and now you have that with her.

Omg….

How?

Why was my love not enough for you?

I can’t even imagine loving anymore than I did.

It’s not humanely possible.

I gave you everything…

But all that I am and all that I had wasn’t enough.

And that is what kills the most.

Let it go…

I’m scared if I let you go there will be no one left to remember US…

Babble🌼On

If something is hurting you, let it go.
Pick yourself up off the ground.
Stop asking yourself “why?”
Open the curtains and let the light shine in.
Let go of the things that hold you down,
without their weight, you may fly higher than you think.
Let go of the chains that keep you isolated in your prison of despair.
Without them, the world is yours to explore.
Let go of the puzzles that are people, who breed confusion in your heart. Without their chaos, you may find peace.
Let go of the fantasy that is perfection and embrace every one of your lovely flaws.
Let go of the need to control things, you may miss out on life’s great surprises.
Let it all go, sometimes it hurts more to hold on.

View original post

Quote of the Day

Emma in Witherland

“I will always be the virgin-prostitute,

the perverse angel.

the two-faced sinister,

and the saintly woman.”

– Anaïs Nin

View original post

You 100% are the love of my life but you’re not in my life… and it’s driving me crazy.

image

I thought I was doing on, until I thought about how we’d never be able to make love again.

About how I’d never again feel our souls collide and the aftermath as it rains down on US as we find each other over and over again.

I’m sick thinking about how I never get to reach down and be shocked by how much she has already reacted to everything you’ve done/said/whispered/moaned/commanded/demanded/begged in more ways than I even thought.

I’m even more sick thinking about how you get to find all of these things and more with someone else while I get to exist a lifetime with a shattered soul.

It’s definitely a sad missing you night. I’m sure I will have those sometimes, I have a lifetime without you for fucks sake.

It’s just shitty that I get to have them while truly knowing now that you are with someone else, loving them, spending time with them, caring and thinking about them, doing all of the fucking things that we used to do with someone else.

Gag.

I’m so glad that you’ve found your happy.

Can’t you tell…

I miss you with every breath… I die with every memory.

changes chaos

I miss you.

I’ll spend forever missing you.

But I don’t feel the burning need to reach out to you and beg you over and over to show me you miss and think of me. I know now you don’t. You haven’t for a long, long time.

I no longer feel like I have to fight for US with everything in my being. My soul and I know now that there is nothing to fight for.

I got a tattoo today.

Of course it has a moon in it.

You live in my soul so you should be inked in my skin. Or at least I think you should and it’s my skin.

I put in my headset, turned on some Lana Del Rey and let myself feel every burn and sting of the needle as it inked you forever into me, while at the same time reminding me ‘that this too shall pass…’

I’ll forever wonder if you think about me.

I’ll always know the answer to that now is no.

Doesn’t mean that just because I know the hurt kills me any less…

I’m still going to always wonder how a love like ours could disappear. I don’t think I’ll ever find the answer.

I’ll never understand how after having my soul shattered and destroyed by you I still feel like if we ever found US again I’d fight just as hard as before.

I know that will never happen. I replay you looking at me and telling me how you’re in love with her over and over again.

I die every time.

Just because I don’t have the burning need to ‘constantly blow up your phone’ (pretty sure that is how you’re little friend put it) it doesn’t mean that the hurt of missing you is any less.

I wish that were the case.

But no. Not at all.

I’m still just as broken as ever.

I just get to be broken knowing that I’ve lost you forever.

I get to live knowing that you have found the soul mate and love, that you thought you’d found with me, with someone else already and that you never got to truly feel the loss of me and probably never will. (Talk about knife in the heart, you are never going to miss me the way I miss you. The hurt from the loss of me will never bring you to your knees in front of whoever happens to be there because the hurt is just too much to handle and the grief drops you and there’s nothing you can do.)

You never get to wonder if someone else is loving me to sleep because I’m yours forever, pathetic huh?

The ultimate pathetic admission… You’ve destroyed/defeated/devastated/lied/cheated/hurt/used/shattered/left me but I would spend eternity with you in a heartbeat…

I’m exhausted.

Pretending to feel is tiring. It was nice to feel something for a bit today during the tattoo. I was starting to think nothing could make me feel again.

I almost laughed today too. Almost.

Good night cold cruel world, I hate you..

I weep, while you sleep.

It sucks that all of my fears have become reality. It sucks that I know that all of the time you used to want to spend with me you spend with her…

kraftOfoodie

Oh baby, where you’d be right now?
in your bed with her,
where we used to breathe,
where you fell asleep talking,
I couldn’t refrain from looking
your immaculate body,
your deep black eyes,
I once floated in that ocean,
now I sink in that potion.

Oh baby, Just the thought sickens me,
wondering how it would be?
where I touched, breathed and nestled,
she’s right there being cuddled.

Oh baby, hope you’re aware,
its reality that she’s there.
hope you’re not mesmerizing,
hope you’re not drooling,
its her therein actually,
while I weep here breathlessly.

View original post

You’re gone. Like really gone. I feel nothing… But in brighter news you will be spending all of your time with a teenager. That you fell in love with but kinda forgot to let me in on (I’m gonna go puke, again).

feel so empty

 

 

Everything has changed.

Forever.

There will be no more US (I have been doing really good most of the day until I typed that out, now my palms are sweaty, the tears are streaming down my face, the sobs are choked up in my throat, my heart is racing, and I can’t take a fucking breath) ever again.

 I can’t fucking believe it.

 I am sick and destroyed beyond belief.

 There is only one other time in my life that I have been this devastated and it was the day my grandma died and every day after for months.

But this time someone I loved with every ounce of my being wasn’t ripped from arms because of death.

No.

They walked away. Directly (and I mean that pretty fucking literal) into someone else’s arms and barely even looked back as I lay crumpled on the floor (again literal here) feeling like I have had my soul ripped out of my body (literal, you get the point I’m sure).

You did kinda look at me for a second and say you were sorry.

HA!!

Are you fucking serious? You’re sorry? What exactly are you sorry for? Last night when we said our goodbye (which is a whole fucking post in it’s self, and will be written just not sure published) I promised to not be mean, rude, or cruel but this is my blog and shit is about to get real…

Are you sorry for…

Lying and cheating on me for 8 months?

Looking me in the eyes and telling me you loved me and wanted me forever, less than 3 days ago?

Falling in love with a teenager?

Comparing said love to the love that you and I have shared and created?

Falling in love with a teenager? Oh, right I asked that one already, it’s pretty high on my list of questions I would like answered. Obviously.

Acting like I don’t exist?

Turning the most beautiful love story ever written, that could never have been written without the two of US, into ‘Just some chick you USED to date’? (this one actually brought me to the ground. Outside. In my backyard. Pathetic I know)

Ignoring me?

Being heartless?

Making love to me for hours (again less than 3 days ago) day after day but not mean one second of it?

Using me?

Taking my love for granted?

Letting some teenage kids harass me and joke about my love for you?

Rubbing it in my face that you ‘fell in love’ with a kid and letting her message me to tell me how much she trust you because you have never lied to her?! (ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME LITTLE GIRL?! DID YOU KNOW ABOUT ME BEFORE I MESSAGED YOU ON Facebook OTHER THAN I WAS A ‘FRIEND’ OF HIS? DID YOU KNOW THAT HE HAS SPENT THE LAST 8 MONTHS OF OUR 3 YEAR RELATIONSHIP TELLING ME NOT TO GIVE UP ON HIM BECAUSE HE LOVES ME AND WANTS TO BE WITH ME? DID YOU KNOW ABOUT ALL THE NIGHTS WE HAVE SPENT WITH EACH OTHER DOING THINGS THAT A LITTLE GIRL COULDN’T EVEN IMAGINE? DO YOU KNOW THAT WE FELL IN LOVE BEFORE YOU COULD EVEN DRIVE A CAR ON YOUR OWN AND DECIDED THAT WE WERE GOING TO SPEND ETERNITY STROKING THAT FLAME? DID HE TELL YOU THAT HE WAS COMING HERE NEXT MONTH? NO? Yea, I didn’t think so… but he never lied to you right?)

Sorry, I’m apparently a bit bitter/hurt/destroyed/broke/empty/irate/angry/sad/dead.

I don’t even know where or what I was saying before that.

I can’t keep a straight line of thought at all.

I should be working. I was on my way there. Until I had to rush home and race to the bathroom to throw up the salad I thought after 48 hours, omg I can’t believe it has been that long… this may be worse than I though, I should try to eat.

So obviously I’m not at work.

I’m here with my coconut water and computer pouring out every last bit of US that remains inside, or trying to at least.

I can tell you I woke up this morning and felt something I have not felt since before I met you, empty. The real empty. I don’t know how else to explain it other than the fire inside of me that burned for US went out. You finally extinguished the last burning embers of US that remained inside and this morning, waking up after saying our goodbe, I could no longer feel the fight inside of me. Oh, I still feel the hurt and the pain but I don’t feel the burning desire to fight for US anymore. It’s almost like my soul knows that there is no more US to fight for and finally gave up. It is one of the saddest feelings I have ever experienced. I honestly thought I would feel that fire forever. I thought that there would never be a time that there wasn’t a burning desire in the pit of my soul to fight for US.

But it’s gone.

I don’t feel it.

I don’t feel anything really. I feel hurt. I feel sorrow. I feel more alone and empty than I could have ever imagined. The parts of US that lived in my soul were just enough that I could always feel them and be reminded that there was something to fight for.

Now that is gone.

There is nothing left to fight for.

I have let you go.

It finally happened.

And I’m so fucking scared I can hardly breathe. I don’t sleep. I can’t eat. I can’t stop thinking about how there is a lifetime left and I don’t get to look into your blue eyes, or kiss the dragon on your arm, or run my hands down your chest, or call you when I have a bad day, or run to you when I’m hurt, or hear you laugh, or see you smile, I don’t get to hear your voice, I don’t get to hear you call me pretty eyes, I don’t get to hear you say you love me, I don’t get to feel your love wrap around me and make everything else in the universe not matter, I don’t get to wake up in the middle of the night and fall back asleep knowing you’re there, I don’t get the happily everafter that you promised me.

I don’t get anything.

But you get her.

You get all of those things with her.

A kid, that I have had my period longer than she has been walking this fucking earth, gets all of the things that you spent YEARS promising and begging me to believe in.

This has to be a fucking joke right?

Like at some point, and I hope pretty fucking soon, someone is going to knock on my door and say that I was on a reality show to test the strength of my love for you. And that I won. Obviously.

Right?

I mean if that is the case they can stop this sick show and give me my Moon back.

Because I don’t know how much longer I can even exist without him…

Wait.

He’s not mine anymore. This isn’t just some sick disgusting reality show.

It’s real fucking life.

And it’s mine.

And you’re some little girls now.

You didn’t he want to let her go long enough to really give US his all. You never even stopped talking to her like you said you did. I was so fucking stupid to trust you over and over and over again while you lied to my face making me look like the stupid bitch ever.

How could you do this?

How could you take the love that I gave you, from the depths of my soul, and use it like this?

For the last 8 months I have been nothing to you but a cum dumpster.

And I’m pretty sure that is why I can’t keep anything down.

This is never the ending that I thought I would write to our Love Story.

You walking away willingly and without regret/remorse/sadness is not something I ever in a zillion fucking eons could have imagined.

Never.

But you did.

All for a little girl who spends her days watching Disney movies and quoting bands…

And now I have a whole lifetime to accept it.

 

 

 

 

 

How can I be alive when everything inside is dead… except my love.

The sun is up finally. I made it thru. I seriously have a lifetime left without you.

How the fuck…

All I could do was let the hurt wash over me in waves. I lay here for hours, making myself feel every ounce of hurt, making my body and soul remember this pain, trying to convince myself that life without your soul is worth living…

I’m not going to make it.

I don’t think living is worth it anymore. I gave my all to you.

For nothing…

Please take the hurt away please make my soul forget you…

Please…