Oh yea, one of those kind of nights again… Fck. This blows.

image

I can find a tiny bit of comfort in the fact that soon there will be very few ‘new’ reminders of you popping up. As of right now I have spent so many years making US a part of my life and it has taken quite sometime to rid myself of the reminders.

I’m sure there will be some sort of reminder pop up of US from time to time for always but soon there will be no more reminders of things we had planned together, things that were coming in the future and we had planned to do them together.

The one coming up soonest is Fifty Shades.

You started reading it with me. I will always think of you when I hear that movie or book. I know you will be too busy making new memories to be reminded about old memories we had made but `I doubt I will be so lucky.

The yucky is setting in when I start to think about all of the things you will promising her and how you promised me the same and so much more.

If it means so when you say it to her why was it different when you said it to me?

How can you vow yourself to someone else when you’ve already done the same to me? Why are you willing to keep your promises to someone else but the ones you made me were disposable?

She deserves more than I? She’s better for you? You’ve more in common with her? Oh booger why bother. .

I know.

It doesn’t matter.

Move on.

Give up.

Never.

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Seems like I only post on the weekends… When you forget I exist. Asshole.

sad soul

I’m making myself put on some T-Swizzle and try to get this crazy I have out but I don’t know if it is going to work or not. I don’t have my headset, I left it in the car so that I wouldn’t be tempted to call/answer and fall into US in the wee hours of the night, and the music can’t really blast the way I need it too at these hours. I might break down and go get them but will see.

I’m serious with what I text you earlier. I have spent, too much, time looking for aps to block you from contacting me. I haven’t had much luck short of changing my number and with all the hassle of that it makes it pretty much not an option. Plus I’m pretty much kidding myself into thinking you are going to attempt to contact me again. I mean at some point you have to get tired of your pretending, because that is really what you are doing, and just move the fuck on.

So move on already.

And stay gone this time. Don’t come back with some piss ass story about how you love me and can’t live without me and blah fuckity blah, blah, blah… I have heard it all before.

 I’m sure you have said it all before. I’m sure you’re fucking saying it to someone else too. I mean seriously, who am I fucking trying to kid, there is no fucking way that you are not still trying to fuck that bitch, or some other bitch.

And whenever I bring up any of these insecurities that I have, that you gave me, you act like it is such a fucking surprise. Like, whoa, where could I possibly be coming up with these ideas that you lie to me; when you literally get caught telling some of the fucking dumbest lies, just days before.

As much as I truly enjoy telling you the fuck off I don’t intend to spend any more of my energy on someone who only cares part time.

I’ve already got there here full time. Remember.

How many times do you really think that I am going to accept your I’m sorry’s?

I don’t have anything nice or good to say to tonight so I’m not going to try.

 

Starting Monday off with a little whine… Finishing Monday off with a whole LOT of wine.

dont want feel ruining everything

Will I ever be okay when you aren’t around? Will I ever breathe easily when I’m not wrapped in your love? Will I ever sleep peacefully without you? Will I ever think of you without flashes of Her tangled in?

These and hundreds of other questions run through my mind ALL the time. I don’t know how to stop them. I can’t. I’ve tried, I’ve tried so hard but nothing helps. I have trained myself to get lost in music so much that I can’t even write anymore if there is anything playing. If it’s not dead quiet I can’t write. I have become so used to keeping myself distracted and not letting the thoughts that haunt me have a voice that I have to actually focus on letting my walls down. I have to make myself let all the ugly out.

And sadly… I just don’t think I have the strength today.

I want to let it out. I want to scream, yell, cry, and shriek all of the ugly out. but I can’t.

I’m exhausted. Being here is sucking the life from. Literally. I’m starting to zombie my way through the day, barely even noticing my surroundings, throwing in a fake smile here or a phony laugh there but really I feel like I’m dead the core. I don’t think I can take much more of this. I don’t know how someone who says they love me and I have spent over a decade of my life with could HATE me so fiercely while YOU, who I have only known for a fraction of that, could love me with such passion and intensity. I’m pretty sure that for whatever reason He hates me you will too, you have too, because I am the same person. I am the same person with Him that I am with You; so it has to be Me…

I don’t think I will ever believe in a love like you talk about. I did at one time. I thought that love was everlasting, or at least it could be if you were lucky enough to find it. But now, well, now I don’t believe in any of that bullshit.

I wish I did.

I’m sorry. Writing today wasn’t such a good idea apparently.

 

 

Dear Death, You can take me now. I’m ready… Unless Moon calls.

You said you would ‘try’ to make time for me tonight. I am so nervous that I can’t really think straight right now.

What you if you don’t make time for me?
What will happen when I have to go another day without hearing your voice, without being able to get lost in you?

Will I be able to survive this without you?

I don’t know.

I don’t think I will.

I don’t think I will be able to keep on existing without you much longer. The part of me that you found and brought  to life is slowly dying and withering to nothing. Life without US has no color. There is no life to this life without you. I simply wake up and somehow robot my way through the day the best way I can, half alive, wishing for death, praying for you, hoping US will find it’s way back to the light.

I don’t have much faith. The believe that you nurtured and loved for so many months is no longer there, it disappeared and all that is left is anxiety, emptiness, and depression.

I can only hope that tonight is the night I get to be in your arms, wrapped in your love, and that I don’t fuck anytime that we have as US up.

That is my biggest fear. I am so nervous to speak to you that I fear I may clam up and then the awkwardness will be so obvious. Why would you want to spend anytime with me when I am a fun-sucking super crier? 

I miss you.

I miss your voice.

I miss your love.

I miss your laugh.

I miss the way you call me Beautiful and Hunny Bun and SnuggleBunny and all the other mushy gushy lovey dovey things that you call me.

I miss getting so lost in US that nothing else exists.

I miss waking up and falling asleep to you.

I miss feeling safe, loved, needed, and most of all wanted.

I miss the way you made me feel like no matter what I was saying, doing, or whatever that I mattered.

I miss feeling you, inside me, wrapped around me, filling me.

I miss everything.

I’m sorry.

 

 

 

Second star to the right and straight on through till morning right? Shit, where’s Tinkerbelle when you need her?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIa4xKHQB_k

But… Will you still love me, tomorrow?

 

Am I wanting too much? Am I smothering you again? Is this real? Are we really back in this together? Was it too late? Will our souls find each other again? Do you want this? Did you ever want this?

I have a lot of questions that are swarming right now. I want to get lost in US. I want to try to find my way back to you. I don’t want to feel so awkward around you anymore. I don’t know how to be real with you anymore and it scares me. I don’t think I have ever been able to be anything but real with you before and now I try to pretend I’m okay and not struggling to breathe every breath.

I get butterflies when you call me. I get the tingles when I think of the time we were able to spend together today, it literally hit me at the most awkward times today at work but also brought a smile and flutter to the butterflies. I can’t wait to be in your arms again. I can’t stop thinking of the way I feel when I am with you. I can feel you in every cell of my body sometimes, like our souls are colliding, and I can’t believe how much I missed it. I can’t believe how much I have blocked or tried to forget about US.

I don’t remember what it feels like to not be a bother to you. I don’t remember what it feels like to know you will be there. I go to sleep every night; well I try to go to sleep every night, wondering if you will be there when I wake up. I wake, with a start each morning feeling the heaviness of your absence in the pit of my stomach, scared to call you for fear that you won’t answer again and that is NOT how I want to start my day.

I want to start it with you, US, the way every day should start, with a love that is unexplainable and extraordinary.

I am fearful that none of my days with start the way they should and that my nights, that are supposed to be filled with US, will be empty and lonely.

I’m sorry.

I miss you.

I love you.

 

 

 

 

 

One, two, Freddy’s coming for you… Nine, ten…

I wish I was little and scary movies were the maker of my nightmares. Now reality produces scarier scenes.

I’ll take Elm Street over this shit any day. Freddy would never have a chance… I don’t sleep anymore anyway.

I  miss US.

I’m sorry.

I don’t know much, but I know that I deserve, no I DEMAND, more than a quickie.

 

I am offended actually. I have thought of our time together as a lot of things but never once have I thought of US as a quickie. And for the fucking record, NO, NO I DO NOT WANT JUST A FUCKING QUICKIE ASSHOLE!! Do I really seem like the quickie-kinda girl? Wait, don’t answer that…

I remember when there was nothing quick when it came to US.

I remember when I could get lost in US, when everything seemed to stand still and the only thing that wasn’t was the rise and fall of our breathing. I know there was a day long ago that is burned into my memory. The funny thing about that day is that I can remember feeling amazing, I can describe to you silly little details about the emotions I was feeling but I don’t remember what the feeling FEELS like anymore. I have lost it, or blocked it out.  I can still feel the tears that were unstoppable and from somewhere deep in my soul. I can still remember the Tingle and thinking that I have never felt that way before. I can remember thinking I will never feel this again and I remember trying to soak up as much of US and the tingle I could so that it couldn’t fade away so easily. But I can’t feel the feeling.

There have been a few times you have almost broken through and have stolen my breath. I shut down almost immediately if you do. I can’t help it. I can’t breathe when I start to feel US again. My heart races, my tummy turns and not in the good butterfly way, my skins feels clammy, I feel like I am drowning almost and it scares the shit out of me. I can’t allow myself to feel the love of US anymore. It is only torture, a painful reminder of what I won’t ever have or feel again.

This started out tonight with me being pissed, shocking I know, but as soon as I started talking about US the memories and sadness took over. I am so good in the moment with turning my hurt to anger, I’m sorry. I miss you. I miss you and hurt soo much.

I miss US. I miss being ‘naked’ with you baby. I miss the way you touched, kissed, talked, and loved my SOUL.

I’m sorry.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t understand why you don’t just GIVE UP and…

Why do you love me? How long will you love me for? I don’t deserve your love.

I miss US.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry, what? You are still here, holding on, and loving me? You are Ridiculous.

I push, I yell, I act like a freaking hormonal lunatic, and still you hold on.

You love.

What?!

I don’t understand that. I can’t wrap my head around you wanting to stick around and not run as fast as you can. It doesn’t settle well in me. So, what do I do? I push harder. I shut down. I can’t even find it in me to form words when I talk to you. Instead I sit, zombie like, while the screaming in my head just won’t shut the FUCK up long enough for me to even focus on what you are saying or what is going on around me. This is what I have become lately, a freaking Momzbie…

I don’t really like it.

Know what else I don’t like?

Golf….

I fucking HATE golf today!

But I’m pretty sure that as much as I HATE golf, push, yell, cry, or shutdown today or any day, you will still be here. Loving. Caring. Understanding. Holding on for dear life. And that Moon is why it is so hard to not love, to not want US more than anything.

But as hard as it is, as much as I love and miss US, I have to let you go. I have to do what is right; it doesn’t make it any easier though.

I miss US… I’m sorry