To keep you super confused I’m posting a 2 in 1 for you guys… One from tonight and another from so many nights ago I’ve forgotten, you’re welcome.

Dear Universe,

Wow…

Time flies and the drafts folder builds. Rarely do I get to write, finish what I am attempting to write, and post all in the same day. Most of what I write ends up dead in the drafts folder; half finished posts remain that mostly cuz I don’t read what I write usually. I write and get it out aka post, and that is that. I don’t write any of this so that I can read it, I really think very few read anything I write at all, I write so I feel a little bit less crazy.

Tonight I’m writing so that I can avoid images of Him with his new one. I have used up all my distraction time for the day. All of the littles are down and the big ones are distracted. The house is actually silent.

And we all know how silent is the fucking worst thing ever for a crazy overactive mind.

So… instead of lie awake and run my cell phone battery dead flipping through aps and favoriting shit I am never going to make or visit I came here.. to attempt to get a little of the crazy out.

Maybe some day I will have the time (and the desire) to put Him to paper. Now is not that time. So instead this will be jumbled, not make sense to some, confuse a few of you who may have been since the days of Moon(I will someday also update this and separate out Moon and make room for the new connections in my life but that is going to take a long weekend away with no interruptions haha), others will barely take the take to have made it this far, so anyways…

All that matters right now is that He is with someone else, but there’s so much more to this story and like I said last night I need to hold some accountability too in all of this. We both have shit to figure out.

Maybe He has been right all along. Maybe we are meant to be but now is just not our time.

But how do you know it that is the case? How can you tell if you are supposed to walk away for the better time and that you aren’t really walking away and wimping out?

Adulting sucks.

It is so complicating.

Throw in a shit show like this and I’m living life exhausted 24/7.

Perhaps if there is more writing after this then I have found the time to dig in the drafts and copy a hidden unfinished gem and add it to what I have unfinished tonight.

Will you really get a 2 in 1 tonight? You lucky thing you.

Dear Universe,

I’m currently writing from the bathtub.

It’s that bad around here right now.

I’ve sunk to hiding out in the bathroom any chance I get, either in the bathtub or shower, always with music blaring while trying to remind myself that breathing is an involuntary action and shouldn’t be this hard…

So turns out that the years before that I thought I found and had fallen into the deepest love possible with Moon… yeah… that was nothing compared to what I experienced the last year. Not to diminish what I felt before because at the time I had never experienced what I have now.

I have actually felt the feeling of my breath rushing out of my lungs while my mouth turns dry and my heart races and that secret tingle starts down yonder.. and it all was from a simple smile from across the room when our eyes would meet. I could and did lie in his arms for hours not saying a word but couldn’t have been in tune with another being if we tried. Our souls knew each other and were so connected when we touched it is almost scary and is definitely unbelievable.

I didn’t know that you could find someone and being instantly and immediately drawn to them.

But I did.

And I was.

I still am.

But life did what it does best and threw us for a loop.

We have spent the last few months at each other’s throats and not in the way we used to be.

I honestly don’t even know if LOVE describes what we have together. Is there a word that means something stronger than love? Because that is what He and I have.

Now, history would show that I’m feeling something completely one sided.

And I probably am.. hence being in the bathtub to drown out my tears (literally) while trying to find a way to believe that I am not the dumbest most gullible person in the world…

While He is most likely not alone… possibly ( probably) balls deep inside someone (‘chick who means nothing and never could’) else.

I actually thought I had found the one soul who would or could never leave me. The one who only exists in fairy tales kind of person. Because honestly that is almost how our story is… fairytale-ish.

There was a period of time where we spent as much time as possible, as close to each other as possible. Hours and days were spent laying in each other’s arms,  sometimes talking, laughing, whispering, kissing, but most often our souls did the talking while the two of us just laid there soaking up the amazingness that was happening.

But where once there was rushing back to be together asap, there is now missed calls, unanswered texts, and scheduled meet ups that usually don’t ‘meet up’..

Did I mention the unnumbered amount of ‘randoms’ who mean ‘nothing’ He’s been hooking up with?

It is soul crushing and nauseating at once.

Literally.

So what is a girl to do?

Do I stay on the path that He and I have mapped out even though He’s no longer a piece of it?

Do I throw myself into a  ‘means nothing to me but you distract me from my soul dying’ relationship, to try to get through this?

Do I beg Him to wake up and realize that we could spend 3 lifetimes and never find anything comparable to this again so we really shouldn’t fuck it up with all these ‘Randoms’? (I mean.. are we seriously letting something that has zero value in comparison to what we have replace us? Is this fucking real life right now?)

I never wanted to be the chick that kept coming back and wouldn’t go away, like a pesky fruit fly, ever again. Yet here i am.. probably losing it over something that He doesn’t give 2 shits about anymore.. explaining why He continues to build relationships with people who He claims mean nothing.

I’m.

So.

Fucking.

Stupid.

Sooooooo fucking stupid.

He’s already chose Her and I’m over here acting like there’s some huge decisions to be made.

What a fucking joke I am…

I give up.

 

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I must be breaking again… Otherwise I wouldn’t be back.

Must be that time again. The time where the universe totally fucks you.. in the worst kind of way.

I was on an okay path for a quick minute there. Almost found Happy again, the kind of Happy that is there to stay, and then it was gone.

We bounced back and forth for a bit, Happy and I. But I have totally lost sight of it now.

Long gone.

Adios.

What do you say when you have literally felt almost everything you are feeling right this moment, only this time it’s a gazillion times worse and felt in every molecule of your being? And I’m not even being that overdramatic this time. The connection we found was literally imprinted on every cell of us.

And when you hear the saying ‘history repeats itself’, that shit is true. It does.

Over and fucking over.

And I’m one of the dummies that will keep playing along cuz I’m a glutton for pain and a sucker for love.

I am mostly coming here to get this shit out and put it down. So that when history comes back to slap me in the face again. And I come here to whine like a baby. Hopefully I see this fucking cycle and I finally man up enough to walk the fuck away. Stop allowing myself to be hurt and treated poorly.

I mean, is it really that fucking hard to just not say shit you can’t back?

Like is that some kind of terrible disease people get where they don’t gain the ability to not just say stupid shit they don’t plan on following up on?

It’s actually quite simple to just be real and honest. It is so much easier to remember shit you’ve said because well, you actually mean it, so if asked or questioned about it there is no problem recalling it.

It’s difficult to stay focused when I’m currently in a texting argusation (half arguing half conversating). And YouTube is killing me tonight too. All the Gods are against me tonight.

I’m possibly being overly sensitive  and a tad dramatic.

But when I think that I am on a certain path, not a quick and simple one either it’s actually quite long, bumpy, scary, and unknown, but you are pretty confident in the fact that you are on said path with someone you feel secure and safe with and find comfort in the fact that both of you have the same end goal in sight. And then you find out that the someone is actually also on some walks with others, that you know nothing about and aren’t aware of.

At.

All.

You know what.

I’m not going to do this right now.

I’m going to go watch the first snow fall of the season. With a cup of coffee. And some music.

Because I fucking love the snow. And it usually makes me feel better.

Let’s hope it does this time too.

 

 

 

 

Oh yea, one of those kind of nights again… Fck. This blows.

image

I can find a tiny bit of comfort in the fact that soon there will be very few ‘new’ reminders of you popping up. As of right now I have spent so many years making US a part of my life and it has taken quite sometime to rid myself of the reminders.

I’m sure there will be some sort of reminder pop up of US from time to time for always but soon there will be no more reminders of things we had planned together, things that were coming in the future and we had planned to do them together.

The one coming up soonest is Fifty Shades.

You started reading it with me. I will always think of you when I hear that movie or book. I know you will be too busy making new memories to be reminded about old memories we had made but `I doubt I will be so lucky.

The yucky is setting in when I start to think about all of the things you will promising her and how you promised me the same and so much more.

If it means so when you say it to her why was it different when you said it to me?

How can you vow yourself to someone else when you’ve already done the same to me? Why are you willing to keep your promises to someone else but the ones you made me were disposable?

She deserves more than I? She’s better for you? You’ve more in common with her? Oh booger why bother. .

I know.

It doesn’t matter.

Move on.

Give up.

Never.

I’m just saying…

 

 

 

Hey Friday… Think you could be less of a douche bag than the rest of the week?

Fuck it…

This might be my favorite Keep Calm ever. Don’t tell anyone, wink, wink.

Is it bad that this brought one of the first genuine smiles in awhile? I think so too…

Posting this makes me feel so naughty (: 

Goodnight, again, my Moon. I still love you. I still miss you. Just a whole lot more now.

The T.M.I Award… take 2,332,222,124… you suck WordPress!!

Why when my head is loudest is it so hard to write to you? I would think that with all the screaming thoughts up there I would at least be able to pull something out and get it down. But nope. Not a chance. So I am putting on some Pandora and hoping to remedy that. In lighter news….

I was nominated for The T.M.I Award (:

SexualLifeOfAWife nominated me. I think she ROCKS, and I thought so BEFORE she nominated me (: Thanks so much for nominating me, thank you even more for your kind words and support, you often bring a warmth to my heart with your encouraging words when things are darkest. Thank you, thank you, thank you! (:

She makes some AMAZING lovin’ with her hubby, and you know I am a sucker for A M A Z I N G (: and BARES it all on her blog. Check it out. Now! Hereis the link again in case you didn’t see the first one (:

 

The T.M.I Award

 

Here’s the low down on it….

The TMI Blog Award honors those blogs that discuss everything in detail and do it well. These bloggers aren’t afraid to discuss their most awkward, embarrassing and intimate experiences with honesty, humor and little to no filter.

Here are the rules:

  •  Thank the person who presented you with the award.
  •  Link back to the blogger who presented the award to you.
  •  Share an awkward, embarrassing and intimate story in 250 words or less.
  •  Copy and paste the blog award on your blog.
  •  Present the TMI Blog Award to 5 – 10 deserving blogs.
  •  Let them know they have been chosen by leaving a comment at their blog.

 

My awkward, embarrassing & intimate story…

OhEmGee… This is still anonymous right?! Hope so, here goes nothing or maybe everything (:

For my birthday a few years back my family and friends through me a little get together at a local bar. Well, I had recently met a new friend in my Psych class that had just moved across country and seemed like a pretty cool chick so I invited her to come along. I didn’t know at the time that she ‘wanted’ me, until we were about 4 drinks in that is. After that it was pretty apparent that she did indeed want to be ‘Lez-be-friends’, which btw I do not have a problem with, I have been known to bat for both teams, just NOT in front of my FAMILY. I spent much of the evening dodging her advances in front of my family except for a drunken moment in the bathroom…

Long story a bit shorter at the end of the evening we have all piled into the DD cars for the night and fuck it, I am calling her Boobs, Boobs got in my car (of course) with my MOM, sister, and my mom’s best friend. I was pretty confident that I had avoided any prying eyes now that the evening was wrapping up.

Boy was I wrong.

As we are driving along home, listening to some music and trying not to get too car sick from all the Pink Panty Droppers we had enjoyed Boob’s not so quietly leans over into my seat and says as LOUD as she fucking can, ‘ Hey, are we still gonna hook up tonight like we talked about in the bathroom?!’

I almost fucking DIED…

I gave her a small smile and completely ignored her question as though I never heard it and hope that everyone else was just as tipsy as I, although my mom was DD…

We did hook up… It was my birthday for fucks sake (:

PS. This took me almost a full 24 hours to get this to post. I don’t know why. But I did and I will be nominating people in the very near future… Sorry if you have already been nominated and also if you don’t want to do it when I nominate you… Fuck it (:

 

Anger turns to tears, a decision is MADE, and a blog is BORN…

 

I updated the blog today and added a new page because looking back at early posts they were as jumbled and wacky as my head… I hope that this helps the story of US a bit easier to understand. So I decided to POST a copy of it here (: 

The following are emails that I wrote to Moon but knew that I would never be able to find the courage to hit send. We had not been in communication for quite awhile and at the time I had no idea if he was ever coming back or what was happening. So, instead of sending a gazillion emails to him and look like a CrAzY I started just writing them and then saving them to the drafts folder of my email.

After they started stacking up I decided I needed a better place to hold these tears of my soul.

So, on October 27th, 2011 a blog was born. These are the ’emails’ that started it ALL (:

Writing to Moon along with the love of US is what has saved me. 

So sit back, grab a cup of tea or a glass of wine, and hold on tight… This is definitely going to be a BuMpY ReAd….

THE EMAILS….

OMG where did the weekend go & why does it seem like it has taken SO long to be done with.

I haven’t heard from you since Sat evening when C started puking but it seems like so much LONGER. . . the days have ran together, lack of sleep does that, C is finally sleeping after being up since 12:30 am LAST night he didn’t sleep ALL night!!  He lay next to me in bed watching TV spoiled baby (: It was nice to have him to snuggle up with (: Mama Time now. . .
      
I’m  listening to Angel by Jack Johnson and the TEARS won’t STOP flowing. I feel like I really am cleansing my SOUL (: Sometimes you just have to cry I guess. I’m gonna keep writing to you in these drafts because its the only way I have to vent what is going on in my f’d up head without losing the tiny grasp that I have left here.  YOU were the only one who would listen to me ramble for hours over nothing and NOT complain about it (: Geesh. . . way to SPOIL a girl (: I need to stop trying to wipe away the tears because my cheeks and under eyes are starting to hurt and they don’t stay DRY for very long anywhoo, its hard not to because they tickle my cheeks (: This is going to be ALL over the place and not make since that’s what is so FUN about it. I should have started doing this LONG ago and maybe I would have been a bit more sane, doubt it (: 
 
I hear that you are happy with where you are right now and blah, blah, blah, and I’m really HAPPY for you I am. I truly wanted you to be happy with you and Little Man, it’s just that… HOW? How could you be happy and fine already? I’m so BROKEN and it hurts SO bad to know that you have her there LOVING you and holding you and telling you and EVERYthing  that turns my stomach JUST thinking about. . .     I KNEW you would always leave in the end BUT can u blame a girl for wishing that I would be WORTH fighting for? I know it sounds silly, deep down I’m GLAD you didn’t fight for it, but it doesn’t matter to my ❤ right now, I would feel so much better BUT it would be so much WORSE for you, I just NEVER thought YOU would give up this easily (*: I really ALWAYS thought that you Really thought we had something to fight for. I guess that is why I thought we had something to FIGHT for, because YOU did (: its really kinda funny though, makes me giggle a lil, I guess I really knew all along how it REALLY was, I just TRIED to convince myself that WE were different. we were the exception. silly girl (: I know why you had to. It HAD to be you, because I was NEVER strong enough to walk away. . .
    
I guess really I just feel stupid, I KNEW it would be this way in the end, I did, and I think u did too. . . BUT it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter that I knew it was WRONG, that I knew it would END, none of it mattered because it felt RIGHT. Plain and simple being with you felt RIGHT. Thinking way back to when we 1st started talking I kept trying to explain how I felt when we were laying there but there was no WORDS that could explain it because I, at that time didn’t know what it was & then there was a day that I was laying in my room and all of a SUDDEN it hit me, EVERYthing felt RIGHT like it should be, I felt like laying with you, talking with you, playing with you, just BEING with you felt RIGHT. Like I was RIGHT where I should be. & that is the hardest FEELING of all of them to let go of.
 
I feel like I need to NAME it (: Like I need to name my ❤ for you and LET IT GO. Sharpie that shit on a balloon and LET IT GO (:

If you hear about planes getting caught in a balloon storm, don’t worry it’s just me trying to LET GO of you. . . I don’t know if there are enough balloons Moon but KNOW that the next rain storm we get I’m taking my balloons and sharpie out to the beach and we are gonna have a lil g’bye party babe (: wish you could be there but that is SOOO not the point (: rules were however MEANT to be broken (: says the chick who has been breaking ‘girl’ code for months now (:
 
Mazzy Starr came on Fade Into You. . . will ALWAYS remind me of you (: If ONLY it was that easy, to just fade into you. . .
 
Geez I think this might really be working, I feel BETTER, I feel like I can take a deep breath again, you always did know how to bring me down (:

To make you feel my love came on by Adele (: what a perfect song to wrap up my cry session (:
 
I want to end this by saying that I have NO ill feeling towards you, I wish NOTHING but the BEST for you and Little Man, ALWAYS (: There’s nothing I wouldn’t do. . . to make you feel my love. . .
 
G’night my Moon ❤ 

Its funny how there are moments when the PAIN just takes my breath away (*:

I am saddened by this but also find comfort in it at the same time. I ACTUALLY loved like everyone wants to (: I LOVED someone so COMPLETELY that the pain of losing them takes my breath away. not everyone can say that they have LOVED like that (: I AM capable of LOVING with my whole SOUL again. . . and for this I thank you Moon (:

I started this particular writing around 9ish tonight and its now after midnight almost, I can’t stop writing down things that I am feeling. I can’t stop myself from coming back here and venting my ❤ to you. It’s what I have been reliant on for months now & I just can’t seem to stop cold turkey. it was NEVER this hard before, ya I whined and bitched about how much I missed you, and I did I really DID but this is a different kind of HURT, its a deep in the gut of your stomach hurt, a hurt that you know NOTHING will take away except what is HURTING you the most right now and it WONT be taken away so you just have to DEAL hurt. Maybe I am crazy (: maybe ALL this I’m writing about and THINKING that I’m feeling I’ve just made up in my head (: maybe you were never REAL in the first place. I know you were never Really mine. . . but it was GREAT while it Lasted and NO ONE will or EVER could take the WAY you made me feel & the LOVE you made me feel no matter how HARD they try! Because I KNOW you & you are GOOD people (: and GOOD people never lie about LOVE ❤

I’m gonna try to sleep again, have to keep turning it to find a ‘dry’ spot (: . . . g’night my moon RawR. . .

Hey Babes I’m back.

I made it thru another NIGHT (if you consider tossing, turning, crying, NOT sleeping MAKING it thru) w/out you and I EVEN woke up to tell about it (:

Imagine that. I NEVER knew how good it felt to write shit down (: Its like with the tears of missing you flowing and my crazy thoughts let out my SOUL is being cleansed (: sounds crazy I guess but to me it makes sense.

I find myself often drifting off, replaying some random scene of us talking. Super ooky and psycho I KNOW but it is something that I cannot (and don’t really want to) stop for now & am just getting used to the sense of being in this weird foggy void where I am living, doing things, talking with people, but yet just not REALLY being there, like I’m just doing the actions on some sort of auto-pilot.

Scene from yesterday. . . 

C: Mom I’m STARVING.

Me: walk to cupboard grab packet of noo noo’s dump in bowl add water put in microwave. 

15 mins later

 C: MOM I’m sooooo hungry

Me: walk to cupboard grab packet of noo noo’s LOOK for noo noo bowl (yea I know CRAZy again a BOWL just for noo noo’s, but hey it makes the kid happy and that makes me sane) cant find it, microwave beeps to remind me there is something in it, oh yea its the noodles I GUESS I must have made earlier. Ooops sorry C mama kinda sucks right now ):

I’m leaving the HOUSE today (: I’m taking the baby and I’m going to do a lil bit of ‘baby’ therapy and snuggle my sadness away (: I have complete FAITH that I will be without sadness for MUCH of the time I’m snuggling that lil guy because there is just no way for ME to be sad while in the presence of a baby (: thank goodness for babies ❤

Well I should go put on some mascara and lip gloss grab my sunglasses and FAKE it till I MAKE it (:

Miss you with my EVERYTHING. . . Rawr ❤

 

 

I’m back so soon. . . .

I haven’t left the house yet. maybe I’m really hoping that something goes wrong and I just end up HAVING to stay home locked up in my room in the dark w/my sadness. . . I REALLY need to get out of the house!! I can’t stop thinking about what u are doing now that we are where we are. . . I just keep imagining you sucking up and saying how I was NOTHING how this whole THING was NOTHING and how sorry you are and how much u wanna work it out and blah fucking blah. . . but at the same time there is this little thing in my head saying there is NO way this is what is going on that you just CANT get in contact with me right now NOT that you DONT want to. I guess it’s the evil crazy bitch in me that wants you to be as MISERABLE as I am.

I want you to lose sleep, not eat, forget to eat, and WANT to sleep so bad just to escape ALL the scenarios that are running thru your head. NOT have ANYone to talk to about how sad you are because YOU are the reason YOUrself is sad. And deep down KNOWing that you deserve EVERY second of sadness and hurt you feel because YOU did this. Can you believe it?! That’s how bad I want you to hurt because this is how I AM hurting. I KNOW it as I type it. EVERYthing above is TRUE, I did this, I am the REASON that I am sad, & I deserve every second I get. . .

I don’t think I have anymore TEARS to cry right now, I am drained, emotionally, mentally (fo’sho), and my body CRAVES restful sleep, not the sleep that you JUMP awake because the dreams are so vivid and HURTful, not the sleep where you wake up with your cheeks wet from the TEARS that really were falling, in your dreams and on your pillow ):

I will sleep RESTful again (: Maybe not for a few moons but. . . Oh well. . . my MOON was worth it (:

 

I guess my sadness has temporarily turned to ANGER

But mostly that is due to the FACT that I’m still receiving messages telling me to stop calling your house blah, blah, blah. I can only assume that is because YOU are spineless when it comes to the situation and ALL the talk that you talked was just that, TALK, to get what you wanted from me when u wanted it.

I have yet to go back and read your emails because that would just be pouring SALT in the wound. But something in me wants to read them so bad, I want to believe that even for the few SECONDS that I’m reading them, you really did mean what you said. All of your ‘the man who wants to be your everything’, THAT one makes me laugh as well as the saddest. The worst part is that I made you as much my EVERYthing that I could, and LOOK where that has left me. HERE, ALONE, trying to FIGHT my way out of the darkness but FAILING miserably. . .

I know that I’m NO one to you, and I’m just some crazy bitch, BUT when I said that I was broke and unfix-able, I really thought you understood and CARED. HA!! what a joke that was. Was I just a game to you? Did you really just USE me to pass the time?

Sometimes I don’t really believe you were REAL. . . can you believe that? even though I have spent MONTHS with you day and night. . . I FEEL like I imagined you. I always said when you weren’t talking that it felt like you weren’t REAL to me. . . and now that you ARE gone. . . its like I made this whole thing up in my head. Was I really happy? did I really spend the last few months LIVING? or was it all in my head? have I just been here making you up so that I could continue to put one foot in front of the other just to get thru the days, weeks. months?

I guess you are more Casper to me then EVER before. . . I feel like I’m going CRAZY. . . crazier than I have ever been. . . NOW that is CRAZY (:

I am still here. . .

I am still making it thru the day. I am still wondering WHY. . . why did I EVER listen to any of the bullshit that you fed me. Why did I NOT listen to myself and FIGHT EVERYthing I ever felt for you and ALL your BULLSHIT!!

HOW? HOW did you walk away from me?? How did you LEAVE me and NEVER look back? HOW did EVERYthing you EVER said to me turn to NOTHING? HOW Ribbie. . . HOW?? Please explain it to me SOMEONE!! TELL me tell me how someone could try so HARD to get convince someone to let their walls down, CRUSH them to nothing and then. . .continue LIVING their life, like NOTHING has happened? like EVERYTHING you said to me WAS garbage?

WHY? WHY would you FUCK with me like that? I thought I made it clear that I COULDNT survive another ❤ break. I was SERIOUS. I know that sounds RIDICULOUS but, I really can’t survive this again. I can’t breathe, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t do ANYTHING but go OVER and OVER every conversation we had, trying to see HOW I could let you FOOL me so.
I really did believe you, deep down I believed EVERY piece of BULLSHIT you have ever said to me. I thought you cared, I thought you felt but WORST of all, I thought you LOVED. . . .

 

I’m done being angry at you.

I burnt one for the day and OF COURSE thought of you. & I have decided that it doesn’t matter WHAT you or ANYONE else says NOW, I KNOW that when & what WE had was REAL!! It was REAL to me then & it is REAL to me NOW and FORVER!! I don’t believe that you would EVER hurt me intentionally. I don’t believe you would LEAVE me if you didn’t HAVE to, I do BELIEVE if we lived in a PERFECT world where wishing on a star really worked YOU would BE with me! You would CHOOSE me if the choice was yours ALONE, I would be your choice. Even if that is not what you WOULD choose. To ME, that’s the ONLY choice that makes EVERYthing we HAD make sense. Because I LOVED with ALL I had and I FELT that you did too.

This has brought me some bit of closure for now. I don’t know if you will EVER READ this WHOLE thing if you ever do I am sorry I have not re-read ANYTHING I have wrote and for that I am SORRY. What I wrote was REAL and RAW emotions that I was feeling at the time. I may keep writing to you. Maybe I will blog to my Moon (: LoL who knows? this Really helps with what I am feeling at the time and getting out there and then leaving it and moving ON from it. SO again I am sorry if I see things differently than you.

I’m sorry that this is what our STORY has become but I WONT say goodbye This is not where OUR story will END. . . .

I will only say. . .

UNTIL we meet AGAIN my MOON. I will MISS you & Rawr FOREVER ❤

 

A few lingering questions…

Do you ever think of me?? Do I ever CROSS your mind? Does the PAIN stop you in your tracks sometimes like it does me? Is there REALLY something/someone stopping you from contacting me, like I SO hope, OR are you not contacting me by CHOICE of your own? Was this your OUT?? Have you been hoping for her to FIND out so that she would REALIZE what was right in front of her the WHOLE time? Do you HATE me? Do you REGRET? Will we EVER get closure. . . . . . . . .

 

 

I’m bored… So I made an Album Cover. You can too… unless, you have a life.

Introducing…

The Swords of Lankhmar

And, we’re ALL going to die

I was a bit bored and didn’t feel like battling any demons tonight. So I found this fun, time consuming, activity to partake in on this lovely blog here (:

I miss you. I can’t wait for tomorrow… Goodnight my Moon.

Want to make your album cover? Ok, well the deal is:

1) Go to Wikipedia. Click on Random Page. This is your band’s name.

2) Choose a number between 3 and 7, inclusive. Go to Google searching for Random Quotes. Randomly click on an entry on the first page, and once on the page, go down the number you picked. That’s your quote. Choose consecutive words anywhere in that quote equal to the number you picked. That’s your album title.

3) Go to Google again and insert the words you didn’t use for your album title. Search for images. Choose the third picture on page 2. That’s your album pic.

4) Go to Picnik. Edit together your picture, band name and album title. There’s your album cover!

A much needed reset.

Oh my where to begin? Today This afternoon was A M A Z I N G. It was exactly what I, we, US needed. It has been so long since we have had any real time together that I almost forgot how at peace I am with you. I wish I wouldn’t have had that thing to do tonight because I could have easily fallen asleep and probably stayed asleep for the night with you. I haven’t slept, really slept, in so long now. I spend much of the night tossing, turning, crying, and trying to silence the craziness in my head. I never truly have a peaceful sleep anymore. That will hopefully all change tonight (:

I want to write so much more. I want to tell you how absolutely beautiful you made today for me. I want to tell you how much I missed the tingle that you give me. I forgot how you make me FEEL everything. Today, laying with you I felt almost like I was plugged into an outlet and the electricity was flowing through me but it wasn’t electricity or an outlet that I was plugged into it was US finding each other again. The tingle was our souls finally being able to settle. I sometimes think that there is an invisible string tied from her to your words and I find your words often tugging gently on her while you steal the breath from me over and over again. Never has someone taken my breath so often or for so long. Usually the breath taking moments are few and far between but I find myself experiencing them several times a day an hour with you.

I missed you so much. I was so good at faking it and fooling everyone I made myself believe that I was better without you. I was wrong. So wrong. There is no me anymore, only US. I have never been good with faking it with you. right now, I’m thinking that is a good thing (:

Thank you for letting me be me, even if it is crazier than you deserve. I love you. I miss you. I’m coming to snuggle right now ………….

Hott Mess table for 1, always for 1…..

What to say and where to begin? I just don’t know what or how I am feeling. I am being destructive I know that. I am being careless and emotionless with my actions and I am scared how things will turn out and what will come of them.

Tried a new little Chinese restaurant last night (not the reckless, careless, actions I was referring too). It had these paper placemat thingies stuck under the glass top of the table so that you could read them but not touch. There was the Chinese calendar thing that tells you what ‘year’ you were born and the other was how to tell your Chinese fortune. So we of course had to go around and see what everyone’s was. I cant remember what my ‘year’ is right now but I do know it is not cock, sadly (: or rabbit or dragon. Those were the ones I wanted I think I might be a sheep or some lame animal. My fortune however said, ‘romance will blossom from the seed you’ve sown.’ this bothers me. Us, we are so far from romance we are a full fledge LOVE AFFAIR so where is this romance coming from and how odd that it shows up just nights after K returns into my life.

Of course OURS pops on the playlist just now to kick my ass and remind me of how US can weather any storm and survive. I miss you. I am finding it interesting how there is no one who can even come close to bringing the tingle to life or the sparkle in my soul no matter how they try. It is almost comical actually but I am saddened by it as well. Because why would I be anything but a cluster fuck of emotions right? I am talking about me after all, you know, a fucking hott mess. I am sad because there are fewer and fewer things that I am finding are able to distract me. The list is almost non existent to be truthful. I try, I try so hard. I change music when it comes on; I avoid emails and cell phones. Fuck, no matter what I do I can’t avoid the silence of night. The quietness of the world when I want it to scream at me the most. I need to move closer to some place that the night life is no different from the day. I need to be somewhere right now that silence doesn’t exist. I need somewhere/something louder than the screeching thoughts in my head.

I don’t proof read my writings, obviously (: , so I sometimes worry that I will lose you because I am so everywhere sometimes but I just put on music, open up the top and let the fingers flow. I have gone back and read something only because of a comment or something and sometimes I am shocked that I wrote the words I am reading. Sometimes I scare myself because although I know that I am in dark, scary, places sometimes, I have become so good at faking it that I am able to trick myself that I am okay. Reading back sometimes I realize that dark and scary barely touch the tip of the iceberg. And the worst part is that the ugliest, meanest, horrible, awful thoughts, they are still locked inside. However scary or dark the journey has been or will be, because lets face it, it’s going to get fucking worse before it gets better, I will always survive. I will never let the dark take me. I am too strong for that. I may at times think that I am not strong enough but deep down I know that I can and will survive anything. I just prefer to survive on my own. I can never disappoint or shock myself with the ‘fucked-up-ness’ that is me. I know just how broken I am. I can’t say the same for you. You say you get it, that you understand, you love, you don’t care, you will hold on, you wont be pushed away, you believe in US, you love US, all you want but I don’t think you really will stick around. I think you will leave and get sick of me and my ‘insecurities’ and walk. Like everyone else.

Fucked up I know. I want to believe that you will be different. I KNOW that you are different. I am just having a hard time believing. And I am afraid by the time I ‘get it’, you will be done, then I think if that is going to be the case then why even let us get stronger, deeper, more entangled in my soul? And then, as if that isn’t enough fucked-up-ness for one thought, the love of US comes crashing in and says that it doesn’t matter how or where we end up because I am talking about US, and US will weather any storm and still be standing at the end to say fuck you, you will not break US. You CAN’T break US, so I should really just give in and let go. Let the love of US just wrap around me like a blanket and chill me the fuck out. And now, now you have seen just how my fucked up brain works. Talk about ring around the fucking rosie huh? That is seriously how conversations in my head go. It’s like a fucking teeter totter in there. Good cop, bad cop, angel, devil routine. Seriously? This, this is what you want to deal with? Some lunatic? I’m guessing the answer to that would be no. That if you really did ‘get it’ you would run, you would smack yourself for even thinking it would have been worth it, and you would run as fast and as far as you could. And that kills me. So here we are back at square one. And the cycle continues. Fuck……

Under all the craziness I love you. I love you so much it scares me. I can’t possibly be lucky enough to have found the missing piece to my soul. The answer to my existence. The one who will make me believe in forever. That just doesn’t happen to girls like me. I am, after all, in the words of the Baby Daddy, ‘Just not the marrying type.’

I’m sorry moon. I’m sorry that I am trying so hard to do this on my own. I miss you. I love you. I need you….