I can’t believe it’s been a fcking year! How can it be? It seems like 10 minutes and 10 decades all at once.. It’s shocking the difference a year makes.

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Dear Universe,

Wow, how did we make it to where we are today?

We fucking made it, and that is what matters most.

It has been a long, long, twisted, dark, scary road but we made it through the darkest and scariest parts. Alive. Alone.

And I am still breathing. I don’t even have to remind myself to do it anymore lol.

I don’t want to spend much time talking about Moon but I think seeing as how this place started out dedicated to him I guess it’s the place to put that I go longer than ever imagined without thinking of Him, and I rarely (if ever) cry over Him anymore.

That being said I have had the craziest fucking year of my life and it’s still just starting… oh my..

I have had people leave my life, some re-enter (a few of those only to leave again), I’ve met new people.. but most importantly I have allowed myself to focus on me.

I have let myself feel hurt and loss in a way that I don’t think many can.

I have always said that ‘here’ (this blog) has really only been just a tiny piece of my crazy mosaic of a life; it just also happened to be one of the most important and deepest connnections I’ve ever experienced.

But literally this was only one little sliver of my reality. I had to deal/feel/hurt/grieve for not only the love that I shared with Moon but also continue to nurture and care for and also deal with so many other things. I’m not proud to say that I neglected so many things in the very beginning of ‘the end’, I mostly neglected myself but I was frequently known to not return email/text/calls in a timely manner, if at all. I pushed away everyone, even the few who seemed to understand or at least not judge.

For months I would consider myself a walking zombie. I literally did the motions I needed to do to survive. Well, mostly what my littles needed from me to survive because really lets face it I was simply here because they need me and for no other reason at all. They saved me in so many ways, more than I even want to think about. Things were very dark here for a long time. But in the year that it has been since this blog post was written I have come leaps and bounds.

I actually spent a little bit reading the posts from the time this all started a year ago. It was so strange to read back, I have no memories of writing anything I read; it was like I was reading someone else’s story and even though I had tears streaming down my face, and they were sad tears, they were tears that were not for the loss of Moon; I can’t remember a time I didn’t cry for Moon, instead I was crying for the loss of the love that was created, not for the loss of Him. I had an immense amount of sadness for a love that (in my opinion) deserved to be nurtured and allowed to flourish into a love that is only dreamed of.

I don’t know if I feel anything for him anymore. I honestly haven’t thought about it. I know that I feel sad for him. I am sad that there was someone out there that was able to love so deeply and truly but yet he will never know that love. (please don’t misread that like I don’t think he will find love, I don’t need any hate mail, I simply mean he wont know this particular love and the depths to which it was rooted). I’m sad that for so many years he had to fake a love/relationship and put so much time into something that was nothing. I’m sad that he won’t be a part of my life. I’m sad for the loss of a friendship & connection that was meant to last a lifetime. I’m sad that the Moon I thought existed was as much a figment of my imagination as the Man in the Moon.

I’m hoping someday soon I will be able to find the time to write again. I find so much comfort in it. I miss being able to get my crazy out. I have so much of at times it seems.

I’m not seeing that time coming in the near future, especially since I’ll be starting classes in a month, I’m in the process of moving, & trying to ‘not push away’ the one person who shows me love on a daily basis (please send good juju/pray/dance naked in the woods/light a candle/cast a spell(only good ones please)/make a wish,do whatever it is that you do for me so that I don’t fuck this up, I don’t let my broken push away anyone good & also that I don’t let in anymore bad. Thank you!) even though I tell him how broken I am. He makes me smile, from that deep in your soul place.. Okay I don’t want to jinx anything or make it seem like something more than it is; simply 2 souls connecting and enjoying the time while doing so..

I haven’t done a zero-dark-stupid wee hours of the am post in quite some time. And I really fucking miss it!

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So apparently all is only good until I tap into any sort of real memory of you or US, then all bets are off and there is no stopping the hurt… Looks like we’re riding this one out, yay.

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How come when you told me forever it was bullshit but somehow I’m supposed to believe when you tell her forever you mean it?

Why is it different?

Why?

Why why why why why why why why?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

It doesn’t make any fucking sense to me.

How am I supposed to accept that?

Why can’t I accept that?

At least I’m not struggle to write/breathe/see ect all through tears because usually that is how a post like this would go. But now, well now I only want the answers I don’t have the longing to fix US like I used to. I have at least finally accepted the fact that there isn’t now and is never going to be an US, and that was a hard fucking one to accept. I literally fought accepting that one tooth and nail, I was determined to not let the love that you and I made go, but somehow in all these moons I have found some sort of sick peace with it.

I don’t think that means now or ever will mean that I am okay with the loss of US but no longer am I paralyzed by the fear and hurt of the loss.

I will forever miss your baby blues, your whispers, your smile, your love, your soul, your naughty, your nice, your recipe advice, your laugh, your passion, your caring, your words, your promises, your love of video games, your drunken late night calls. I will always remember the way your whole face would light up in smile when our eyes would meet and the way I felt it in my soul.

Okay I have to stop now because the tears have somehow found their way back and I have to stop before the reminder of what was or could have been breaks me, again.

Oh yea, one of those kind of nights again… Fck. This blows.

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I can find a tiny bit of comfort in the fact that soon there will be very few ‘new’ reminders of you popping up. As of right now I have spent so many years making US a part of my life and it has taken quite sometime to rid myself of the reminders.

I’m sure there will be some sort of reminder pop up of US from time to time for always but soon there will be no more reminders of things we had planned together, things that were coming in the future and we had planned to do them together.

The one coming up soonest is Fifty Shades.

You started reading it with me. I will always think of you when I hear that movie or book. I know you will be too busy making new memories to be reminded about old memories we had made but `I doubt I will be so lucky.

The yucky is setting in when I start to think about all of the things you will promising her and how you promised me the same and so much more.

If it means so when you say it to her why was it different when you said it to me?

How can you vow yourself to someone else when you’ve already done the same to me? Why are you willing to keep your promises to someone else but the ones you made me were disposable?

She deserves more than I? She’s better for you? You’ve more in common with her? Oh booger why bother. .

I know.

It doesn’t matter.

Move on.

Give up.

Never.

Friday… I got nothing else.

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Do you tell her RawR?

Will the questions and thoughts ever stop?

Will there be a time where you are not my every other thought?

Will I someday stop waiting for you to come back?

I try to tell myself that you are never going to come back. My soul won’t believe it but I’ll continue to remind it that you don’t love me or want me or care about me. I’m nothing to you and I have to accept that.

Easier typed than done.

Fuckingfuckfuckfuck.

skdfjowiernndleiowjhernds… that’s how I should start to title all of my posts.

taking back us

You may have finally told me that you didn’t love me anymore only 8 months ago but you have been gone for over a year really, almost a year and a half I think.

Do you think that I am any less sad? Does it hurt any less? Am I healed?

Nope.

I don’t think I will ever be healed. I don’t understand that. I have tried just about everything to move on.

I have successfully pushed away any kind of relationship.

I have tried to fuck the hurt away.

I have shut myself out from everyone.

I deleted my Facebook.

But I can’t delete the pictures that have been burned into my soul of US. I can’t trash the memories that will forever haunt me of our love story.

Why?

Why am I holding on to hope for something that will never be?

What is wrong with me?

YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE!!!

You and I… we were born to die.

A year and a half, countless moons, endless sleepless nights, a sea of tears, a couple new fucks, a few failed lovers, a broken heart, a shattered soul, and yet still the love remains as if it should always be.

But it can’t rain forever. This too shall pass. Time heals all wounds.

Bullshit. Bullshit. Fucking Bullshit.

Fuck you, you fucking fuck… I’m going back to bed and hiding.

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As usual I have a shit ton to say. But I have decided that I don’t think I will be spending my time writing to you anymore.

It used to be therapeutic for me to sit down and let out my everything to you. But now it just seems like I am wasting all these amazing emotions on someone who is nothing more than a liar and cheat (I’m sure you would deny, deny, deny, lie, lie, lie until you were blue in the face but I don’t really give a flying fuck about you anymore).

I’m going to try to spend my energy on something else entirely.

And it’s not going to be you. Or US.

And I guess you could say this is all your fault. I know that I am. But don’t worry. I take blame too.

I’m the fucking idiot who stuck around lie after lie to only be lied to again (:

Gee I’m glad I can see the humor in this. I may need to check back in and remind myself of how funny I find this. Especially when I’m having a moment of weakness.

I’m so mad I spent the time this am to find my dumb headset. I should have just fallen asleep and ignored the need to sleep with you. I could hardly keep my eyes open before I called.

After, well, let’s just say there was not much sleep for me.

You suck.

I hope you miss me.

I hope you hate you for losing me. I know I do…

#toosadtowrite #missyou #thinkimgoingcrazy #areyouwithsomeone #insomnia #thisishowishouldtitlemyblogs

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Pretty sure I’m going crazy. The one night I think I could write there is no internet and writing on my phone sucks.

I hate when you don’t answer. I’m convinced you’re with someone else.
#welcometomycrazyhead #willthisgoawayever #needyoutosleep

Think I’m ending this now.

Night.

Too sad to write much more than a title… And this can hardly be called a Title.

saddest tears

I’m all done being sad.

I don’t want to be sad anymore.

I don’t want you to make me sad anymore.

I don’t want to have to worry about who you are with or what you are doing any longer.

Do whatever the fuck it is you want. With whoever the fuck you want to do it with.

Just forget about me… Like you did when you were driving with those chicks last night and later when you were WAY too busy to respond to me. At all.

Rude.

Was gonna attempt to write but I’m feeling a bit snarky… So instead you get some music. Sorry.

u boat

I’m trying my best to fight it. I’m trying my hardest to not think about what you did. I’m fighting to push the ugly thoughts of how you never would have told me on your own…

I’m trying to believe that I should believe.

Fuck…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ao138HwSqow

Untitled… Forever.

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The fact that it’s impossible to sleep without is a bit frustrating. The sun shining down on me today and allowing my sunglasses to not stand out like a sore thumb makes it easier to love with.

I have that yucky anxiety creeping along my skin today. I know she is going to be back from vacation soon. I don’t know when and it makes my skin crawl to know that when she does the possibility of losing you will come screaming into my reality.

I hate this feeling. How will I ever believe in US again?

How do I breathe when you spend all your time at work with her?

Fuck.