Friday… I got nothing else.

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Do you tell her RawR?

Will the questions and thoughts ever stop?

Will there be a time where you are not my every other thought?

Will I someday stop waiting for you to come back?

I try to tell myself that you are never going to come back. My soul won’t believe it but I’ll continue to remind it that you don’t love me or want me or care about me. I’m nothing to you and I have to accept that.

Easier typed than done.

Fuckingfuckfuckfuck.

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I love you. I can feel the way you love me. I missed laying in your arms, hearts racing, amazing-ness tingling, feeling a love only US can.

Fuck.

Can I Keep You...

I’m trying not to fight the happy. I’m trying not to fight the good that is tingling through me right now. I’m trying to let the sparkle that has awaken my soul wrap around me without fighting to break free from it. I want to believe that today was real. I want to believe that today wasn’t full of fake, that it wasn’t just your way of ‘shutting’ me up. I want to believe that you wanted needed today as much as I did.

When you are gone it is so hard to let US win the battle. It is so difficult to ignore the racing thoughts that fill the silence. It would help if I didn’t feel like it is a chore for you to spend time with me now. I hate that I feel like I make you spend time with me. I miss when US just was…

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It Still Hurts.

A hurt that will last forever…

whenlovearrives

It still hurts.

I guess it’s because I loved you more than I loved myself.
I loved you with every ounce of my being.
With every inch of my soul.
I loved you more.
And that still hurts.

I will never love someone the way I loved you.
And that is both okay and an empty feeling.
Because I now know how to love myself first.
But I now know I will never feel that way again.
And that still hurts.

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Grief is the means by which we heal the pain of love… We are done with heartache when it let’s us go.

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The degree to which we love is the degree to which we break open when we lose what we love…

When i can’t sleep i read. Reading articles like this one save me. It’s starting to kinda make sense. I loved love you with every fiber of my being. Of course is going to bring me to my knees and break me to the core. I gave you everything thinking you were doing the same in return.
I will carry this grief with me until it let’s me go. I love you. I will accept every bit of hurt i feel because it was worth every second.

http://wakeup-world.com/2014/11/18/heartbreak-loving-ourselves-through-difficult-times/

Someday

Again someone else speaks the words from my soul for me.

Thank you Josephine your words spoke straight to my core.

I love you. Too much.

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Meet me in my dreams tonight. The old you, the one i fell in love with, the you who stole my soul.
Please.
I miss you so much I can’t breathe.
Please.
I miss the way we were perfect together. I miss all of the similarities we shared. I miss how being with you felt like home. I miss how you filled in all the empty i felt . I miss how much you loved me, how you were so good at making me feel your love.
I love you.
I miss you.
I hate that I love you still.

I’m sorry.

skdfjowiernndleiowjhernds… that’s how I should start to title all of my posts.

taking back us

You may have finally told me that you didn’t love me anymore only 8 months ago but you have been gone for over a year really, almost a year and a half I think.

Do you think that I am any less sad? Does it hurt any less? Am I healed?

Nope.

I don’t think I will ever be healed. I don’t understand that. I have tried just about everything to move on.

I have successfully pushed away any kind of relationship.

I have tried to fuck the hurt away.

I have shut myself out from everyone.

I deleted my Facebook.

But I can’t delete the pictures that have been burned into my soul of US. I can’t trash the memories that will forever haunt me of our love story.

Why?

Why am I holding on to hope for something that will never be?

What is wrong with me?

YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE!!!

You and I… we were born to die.

A year and a half, countless moons, endless sleepless nights, a sea of tears, a couple new fucks, a few failed lovers, a broken heart, a shattered soul, and yet still the love remains as if it should always be.

But it can’t rain forever. This too shall pass. Time heals all wounds.

Bullshit. Bullshit. Fucking Bullshit.

You can find me in the shower tonight… Trying to survive.

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I haven’t been posting lately. I’m baby stepping it as much as possible. I’m not pushing anyone away anymore. I’m taking life with each breath and trying to hold onto as much good as I can and trying my hardest to leave all the ugly, that’s the hardest part for me since I’m convinced I’m most of the ugly from us.

I can go days now without the hurt bringing me to my knees. I don’t wake every morning with tears on my pillow. I don’t see a future with you in it anymore,

I finally have accepted that wherever my life goes you are no longer a part of it. I have realized that you will never love or care about me the way i thought you would. I’m finally believing that I’ll survive without you. but that doesn’t make it hurt any less that all of the love i thought you had for me you’ve decided to give someone else. Hopefully she’s worth giving up the love that i had for you.

I’m sure she is.

She’s your forever right?

Remember that one time(gazillionbillion times) when you said I was your forever?

Silly me for believing you.

I’m broken, and I don’t feel right when you’re gone away… Save me.

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I can’t get you out of my head.

The thoughts of what we had won’t leave.

I can hear your whispers.

I feel the loss of you more than I have in a very long time.

The tears won’t stop.

My heart won’t stop racing.

I can’t breathe.

You are gone.

You and I will never be.

It doesn’t matter how many sleepless nights I spend begging for you. You are never going to show up.

How can I still hurt like you left yesterday even after all this time?

How can you not miss me?

Ugh…

Why am I doing this?

When will the hurt of losing you go away?

Will it ever?

How could you get over it so fast?

What am I doing wrong?

Fuck.

Only know your lover when you let her go… And you let her go.

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I feel like missing you tonight.

I feel like putting on Our playlist and letting the tears for you flow. Because I miss you. I miss so fucking much about you. I miss how you were so good at pretending you cared about me. You were so good at making me feel so much fucking love it was overwhelming at times.

So how in the fuck are you gone?!?!?!?!

The only thing I can wonder is if you are doing and saying the exact same things to her?

Do you call her Princess or Beautiful?!?! Or worse fucking yet Pretty Eyes? That one makes me puke in my mouth if you call her that.

Do you vow to be her everything?

Do you stay up late telling her she’s on your mind?

Do you remember spending the last 4 years doing and telling me the same. DOes she know that you did all those things and so many fucking more with me?

I’m trying to remind myself that it doesnt matter. That you doing all those things with her only solidifies that I was right when I said that you were fake with me and that you are being just as fake with her.

I sometimes find sick comfort in the fact that she has a boyfriend and is half your age. I bet she has to ask her mom if she can come over to spend the night or if she can come over at all. Oh thanks for that I needed a little giggle to stop the tears that were falling.

I can only find comfort in the fact that moving on and letting go of you and all of the phony that was US, and only take the good away, is the best thing for me.

I will never be able to move on if I continue to hold any sort of feeling for you good or bad. And I need to. It has been over a year now since you left and I have pushed away anybody who tried to get close, don’t get me wrong there wasn’t any huge line but there were a few. Thankfully one of them is not letting me him away no matter how hard I’ve tried and I need to stop trying. I want to stop trying. I want to just quit putting up the fight and let whatever be. But I can’t. Well I couldn’t until now I think.

Anyways whatever that is doesn’t belong here I was simply stating that I have finally fully let you go like you have me. It has taken more moons than I would like to admit but the moon has come. You are no longer mine. I officially let you go. I wish more than anything that with those words came more than just this terrible deep ache in my soul but they don’t. I don’t feel any different. I was hoping all of the hurt and ugly would be gone but I guess I will forever carry that. I will forever miss you. I will always love you from the very depths of my soul. Nothing or anyone will ever compare to what we made. I will spend forever stopping myself from thinking of you but I will always wish you well. I’m sorry that this is how we ended. I’m sorry that we weren’t strong enough to actually be there for each other in the end. I’m sorry that we weren’t able to even salvage a friendship out of US. I think that might hurt the most… you didn’t even care about me enough to be friends.

I have to stop.

I have to let you go.

But I never will. I will carry the love I have for you forever. I will find a way to live with the hurt from the loss of you.

I’m sorry.