Sunday Scatterbrain… You might just want to skip this one.

dont know what we talk about

Should I write now? I am trying to decide if that is a good idea or not. I’m pretty much just going to let my fingers do the flying and see what comes out.

We just hung up. And you already sent a text.

And I have no idea how to process that.

Are you spending so much of your time with me today because of all the crying and complaining I did over your absence Friday night? Or, do you really want to spend your time with me?

Does it even matter the ‘why’ to our time together when all I can keep thinking about is how rested and good I feel? I don’t think you know what its like to live with someone who makes you feel unloved, unwanted, and worthless. That’s my life. I live someplace where I’m not acknowledged, not in a good way. The only time I feel loved is when I’m with you.

I just wished I believed in the love you made me feel…

I don’t think I ever will.

I’m sorry. Too much crazy right now. I’m not making any sense.  

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Will I ever be more than just a phone call or text to you? Probably not.

monster in you

I’m sorry.

I really want to give up right now. I really want to say fuck it and forget about all of this bullshit.

But I’m pretty sure that tomorrow will come, fuck, and that your friends will go back home, the alcohol will wear off, the sun will rise, the headaches will set in and you will somehow appear from the shadows like tonight didn’t happen. Like you didn’t ignore every phone call and text that I have sent for the last 3 hours. Like you aren’t going to come up with some lame ass excuse and some half ass apologies.

And you want me to travel across the country for you?!

Yea… Like that is gonna happen.

You can keep your excuses and apologies. Because I want nothing to do with them. I want nothing to do with you or any of your lies any longer.

So next time you want to go ‘visit your son’ (read: take a trip to the rez with who the fuck knows who but apparently someone that you can’t talk to your GIRLFRIEND in front of) just stay there. Away from me.

G’night…

You have found a way to ignite my soul again… And I love you always.

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Ok here goes attempt ‘I don’t know how many’ at writing. I don’t even know if I have the words for what has gone down the last few days.

UNBELIEVABLE

A M A Z I N G

IMPOSSIBLE  

I could find a few million more I’m sure but I don’t have the energy to do it right now. On top of all the craziness that we are going through right now, it seems that I have come down with some type of bug. I don’t know what it is. I’m drained I know that; in more ways than one. And I don’t really know how to process it. I have spent so much of the last few days wrapped in the love of US that I don’t really get a chance to process what has happened.

I don’t have the energy to write about what I am feeling. You continue to amaze me, damn near by the second, and I don’t know how much longer this will last. I’m hoping forever, I’m wishing for always, but of course I am expecting not much longer…

I’m sorry.

I’m so sorry that you are showing me love like I have never experienced before and I am too fucked up and broken to fully accept it. I don’t ever want you to feel like I am not appreciative of your love or the way you are always so full of US… I am. I am sooo thankful to have found you. I am so grateful to have found someone on this planet that can ignite the passion, fire, desire, love, and touch my soul in a way I never thought possible.

It’s just that though.. I never thought a love like US was ever really a possibility. I was just kinda making through this life of mine with the fairytale of US lighting the way. I never thought it was REAL. I never thought that I would really be on the receiving end of a lover that wants nothing more than to make me feel e v e r y t h i n g in such intense ways.

I am so hoping I am wrong and you are right.

Talking to the Moon just came on and I had a sudden panic attack. That used to be our song. It used to be the theme song to US.

You ruined that.

I forgive you.

I always knew deep down that I would. I’m sure you did too. Because somehow you continue to fight and believe in the love of US..

But its the FORGETTING that is soooooo fucking hard!

I try to not let the scenes of you and her run through my head but they do, usually at the worst times possible, and I can’t stop them. It’s easier when you are there because when you are around you are so good at pushing them aside and quieting them. But as soon as you are gone the thoughts and craziness come screaming back.

Well, you are back from what you had to do and even though I am SURE I spent much of my last few posts talking about how much I was over you and would never let the love of US in again I was full of SHIT!!!

In your arms, wrapped in your love, reconnecting with your soul is where I want to spend forever.

To the Luna baby…

Rawr.

I’m going crazy… Will this go away?

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I wanted to delete the blog. I wanted to erase any and every thing that has ever reminded me of you. I didn’t want to have to look at something that reminded me of how fake and full of lies US has become.

I attempted to read through from the beginning. I guess I was trying to convince myself that there was some truth in US somewhere but I only succeeded in pissing myself off further and doubting US even more. I find myself so sickened by what I read. I feel like I had these intense feelings for something that was fake, made up, a figment of my imagination, and it literally makes my stomach roll.

I am so sad at what US has become. I feel like I am walking around like a zombie again barely alive but shuffling through all the same. And I fucking hate it. All the comfort and love I used to find in you is missing and I need it so bad…

I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to hit you and yell that my feelings and love were worth more than what you made them.

But I won’t. I will hold it all in, attempt to get as much out here as possible and see how long it takes for you to get bored of waiting again.

Because you will.

Shut up and take it like a good girl… Not the best way to start your morning. US would never start a morning this way.

My head hurts, my eyes are swollen, puffy, and achy, and I just want to fall back into your arms and let you love away the pain of life like you did last night. 

The early light of morning brought with it the cold reality that I wouldn’t be able to snuggle into the love US and hide forever. I had to face the day with my false smile and black sunglasses. I had to sit there and shut up and listen to and do what I was told. And it sucked. I hate it. I don’t know how much more of it I can take before I really do break.

Thank you for being there. Thank you for swooping in, wrapping your arms around me and kissing and loving away the sadness and hurt. I don’t care about anything as long as I have your arms and love to return to. I wish I could spend every night surrounded in your love.

Even though yesterday was a crappy day I slept knowing that you were right beside me, loving me, holding me, and never letting me go.

I love you.

I’m sorry.

 

 

 

I love you. I can feel the way you love me. I missed laying in your arms, hearts racing, amazing-ness tingling, feeling a love only US can.

I’m trying not to fight the happy. I’m trying not to fight the good that is tingling through me right now. I’m trying to let the sparkle that has awaken my soul wrap around me without fighting to break free from it. I want to believe that today was real. I want to believe that today wasn’t full of fake, that it wasn’t just your way of ‘shutting’ me up. I want to believe that you wanted needed today as much as I did.

When you are gone it is so hard to let US win the battle. It is so difficult to ignore the racing thoughts that fill the silence. It would help if I didn’t feel like it is a chore for you to spend time with me now. I hate that I feel like I make you spend time with me. I miss when US just was. When the only thing we had to work at was keeping the Amazing to a minimum because the butterflies and breath stealing was too much at times. What an idiot I was to not enjoy every second of Amazing that US shared. Why did I not just shut up and let the fingers wrap around me and swallow me with the tingle and sparkle that only US can produce?

Because I am a fool. Because the two little souls that own my world are worth more than my happiness, so I will stay here, half-happy, half-feeling, half-living, half-alive, with the saddest eyes and a smile only I could fake, without you.

I can only wish that you will be here with me, holding me, loving me, for always.

I love you.

Thank you for today. Thank you for last night. Thank you for not giving up on US. Thank you for making me feel a love like I have never before. Thank you for touching my soul.

I missed you. I hope you are here to stay.

I love you.

Yup wonderful dreams, that’s what I have… Look I made a funny.

I don’t know what is wrong with me. Yes I do. I am in love with you. And I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t know how to continue to deny it.

IT CAN NEVER BE.

I have to almost drown you out with music when we talk now. Too many times I find myself having to fight the flutter I feel of US. Too often I have to take a ‘time-out’ and try to collect myself. Almost every word you speak sends sparks to my soul that ignite a whole shit load of other reactions I am so distracted by that I miss what you say and end up having to ask you to repeat it, which could also be a bad idea depending on the type of ridiculous thing you say.

Fuck. I even find it difficult to just sit with you, in silence. Are you fucking serious? I can’t even sit in silence with you? Nope, can’t. It’s too US. I find this weird calming/relaxing/ safe-ish feeling with you and it sends me into panic. What if I start to believe the bullshit of US again and you decide you get ‘too busy’ for me again? Just thinking about it I find it hard to take a full breath. So I shut down.

You’ll never guess what the fuck Pandora is playingWhat a bitch!

I miss US.

I’m sorry.

The Story of US looks a lot like a tragedy now.

I don’t even know what to say, of course. I never know what to say, even when I am speaking to you I find the words all jumbled or stuck and I am sick of it.

I’m sick of you too.

I’m sick of your bullshit and your excuses and sorry’s and all the other bullshit you spew. I don’t care what your excuse is this time. I don’t care if you set yourself on fire (again), lost your phone, didn’t have service, or whatever else you decide to try, I really don’t. I’m done. I don’t care to continue this charade with you any longer.

I get it. People change. Feelings change. I changed. You changed. US changed. I get it. But I am not afraid to admit it. I am not afraid to say that I have changed, my feelings have changed. You, well, you on the other, you have a problem admitting just about anything. You are very good at apologies, all I hear lately from you is ‘I’m sorry, I fucked up, it’s my entire fault, this is what I want, blah, fuckity blah, blah. I want US. I want you. YOU are all that I want.’ HA! I call bullshit. Again. If I could find anything funny right now I would find the few times that you gave the butterflies a stir and almost convinced me to drop my guard, a laugh right now. Of course, although I am not feeling much of anything right now what I AM feeling could not be categorized as good.  I hope that I can hold on this feeling right now. It’s not really a bad feeling. It’s a tolerable feeling for me. I’m upset, hurt, but also relieved. I’m relieved that you immediately did what you said you would not do again so soon. I’m relieved that I can start the process of healing and moving on. I can start finding Me.

If you were given weeks, months, or longer to try to pull my guard away and convince me that you were here to stay I’m positive you would have convinced me. You would have been able to wrap the love of US around me and get me lost in the Amazing and when the realization that this was all a fucking game to you was revealed all of this would have hurt a lot more.

Really?! Did you have to come back and try to convince me again that this love was real? That you were here to stay? That no matter how ridiculous I was being it didn’t matter because US was worth it, US was worth any and every feeling we ever felt, no matter how amazing or agonizing, was worth every tear and ache because it was REAL and it was not faked. How much more pissed would I be had I believed any of your bullshit for one second? I am so glad that the few times you were able to find a crack in the wall, that YOU helped build, I fought you. I am so glad I didn’t allow the fakeness of you through to spread all of your phony around and your false promises.

 

Am I overreacting again? Yea, probably, but I don’t really care because I don’t feel like I am overreacting. I feel like I am holding it together pretty well. I mean, I want to delete every part of you from my life right now. I want to delete you from FB, I want to block your number from calling, I want to delete every message we have shared, I want to text you and tell you to fuck off and never call me again, but that would be acknowledging to you that I am aware of the absence of you this weekend and I don’t want to give you that.

I don’t want you to know how it is tearing me up inside that we have gone another 48 plus hours with no answer, return call, or text, just NOTHING. I don’t want you to know that I lie awake at night and wonder what it is that I have done again to deserve this. I don’t want you to know that I every time I look at my cell and see no call or text that I feel the hurt in my soul.

I’ve turned my cell off. I am assuming that at some point within the next few days you will ‘need’ me again and try to call and patch up the damage you have done with your false promises and fake tears and I don’t want to hear it. I think that your actions have said more than any word you have spoken lately.

It may seem at times throughout this writing that I am mad or angry at you but I’m not. I’m disappointed that you didn’t let me go and start healing but instead tried to get a few more… you know what’s from me before you left to spend ANOTHER weekend US-less, but I am not mad. I don’t have feelings toward you, I pretty much feel nothing right now, at this second, that of course could change at ANY time, because that is how I roll, all crazy and all over the place (:

I’m sorry in advance for any ANGRY that comes from me during this time of healing. On second thought, no I’m not. I’m not sorry for ANY thing I feel during this time. I’m going to embrace each feeling and roll with it. I’m going to learn and take as much with me from this journey of US as I can.

I have no idea how to end this. I want to say I’m sorry, but not for anything just sorry that this is what US has become.

I miss US.

An early morning Miss List.

I have so much to say and yet nothing to type. I don’t know why this happens. I don’t know why I am always able to ‘write’ at the worst times. When I have some time to myself to do what I want, which happens to be write, I cant because my mind is racing in so many directions right now. Perhaps I should take a minute and be right back….

Mission accomplished and a Jason Mraz song to welcome me back? Gee, don’t I feel lucky.

I don’t know what to say now, of course. Or maybe its not that I don’t know WHAT to say but more of I don’t know HOW to say it. Not that there is one ‘it’ too say but you get what I mean right? No? Good. Me neither.

I want to say that I miss you. But I really miss US. I miss the way I could feel US, the way I could feel US in my soul. I miss the way you touched a part of me that I don’t recall ever being ‘touched’ before. A part of me that I didn’t even know existed until US showed me.

I miss the way I could fall asleep in seconds and how I felt safe. I miss NOT waking with cheeks wet from tears. I miss the way you could sense when I needed and what I needed before I ever did. I miss the laughs. I miss the love. I miss the caring. I miss the fun. I miss getting to be me.

I miss having someone who shows me how much they care about me. I miss feeling loved, feeling cared about. I miss late nights and early mornings. I miss middle of the night showers. I miss kissed away tears. I miss Casper whispers. I miss hours slipping by unnoticed. I miss Iron Man masks. I miss headsets and killionaires. I miss recipe swapping.

I miss not feeling guilty. I miss not missing you.

I miss butterflies. I miss tingles. I miss goosies. I miss heart fluttering, breath taking moments. I miss the sparkle.

I miss everything about you. I miss too much. This could go on forever I think.

I hope your Miss List is shorter than mine. Better yet… I hope you don’t even have a fucking Miss List.

I’m sorry.

DAMN YOU The Bachelorette! You make me miss the butterflies…

I miss US. I miss you. I miss the me that I am when I am with you. I miss the way it was when I didn’t have to force myself to smile, make my self laugh, blah, blah… the stupid dumb TV that I never watch anymore makes me wanna gag. As much as I like the chick I cant help but wanna puke at the lovey dovey shit some of these guys say.

Really? Am I seriously bitching about some fake reality show right now? I think I need to take a FF time out.

Did I mention that I miss you?

I’m sorry.