I can’t believe it’s been a fcking year! How can it be? It seems like 10 minutes and 10 decades all at once.. It’s shocking the difference a year makes.

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Dear Universe,

Wow, how did we make it to where we are today?

We fucking made it, and that is what matters most.

It has been a long, long, twisted, dark, scary road but we made it through the darkest and scariest parts. Alive. Alone.

And I am still breathing. I don’t even have to remind myself to do it anymore lol.

I don’t want to spend much time talking about Moon but I think seeing as how this place started out dedicated to him I guess it’s the place to put that I go longer than ever imagined without thinking of Him, and I rarely (if ever) cry over Him anymore.

That being said I have had the craziest fucking year of my life and it’s still just starting… oh my..

I have had people leave my life, some re-enter (a few of those only to leave again), I’ve met new people.. but most importantly I have allowed myself to focus on me.

I have let myself feel hurt and loss in a way that I don’t think many can.

I have always said that ‘here’ (this blog) has really only been just a tiny piece of my crazy mosaic of a life; it just also happened to be one of the most important and deepest connnections I’ve ever experienced.

But literally this was only one little sliver of my reality. I had to deal/feel/hurt/grieve for not only the love that I shared with Moon but also continue to nurture and care for and also deal with so many other things. I’m not proud to say that I neglected so many things in the very beginning of ‘the end’, I mostly neglected myself but I was frequently known to not return email/text/calls in a timely manner, if at all. I pushed away everyone, even the few who seemed to understand or at least not judge.

For months I would consider myself a walking zombie. I literally did the motions I needed to do to survive. Well, mostly what my littles needed from me to survive because really lets face it I was simply here because they need me and for no other reason at all. They saved me in so many ways, more than I even want to think about. Things were very dark here for a long time. But in the year that it has been since this blog post was written I have come leaps and bounds.

I actually spent a little bit reading the posts from the time this all started a year ago. It was so strange to read back, I have no memories of writing anything I read; it was like I was reading someone else’s story and even though I had tears streaming down my face, and they were sad tears, they were tears that were not for the loss of Moon; I can’t remember a time I didn’t cry for Moon, instead I was crying for the loss of the love that was created, not for the loss of Him. I had an immense amount of sadness for a love that (in my opinion) deserved to be nurtured and allowed to flourish into a love that is only dreamed of.

I don’t know if I feel anything for him anymore. I honestly haven’t thought about it. I know that I feel sad for him. I am sad that there was someone out there that was able to love so deeply and truly but yet he will never know that love. (please don’t misread that like I don’t think he will find love, I don’t need any hate mail, I simply mean he wont know this particular love and the depths to which it was rooted). I’m sad that for so many years he had to fake a love/relationship and put so much time into something that was nothing. I’m sad that he won’t be a part of my life. I’m sad for the loss of a friendship & connection that was meant to last a lifetime. I’m sad that the Moon I thought existed was as much a figment of my imagination as the Man in the Moon.

I’m hoping someday soon I will be able to find the time to write again. I find so much comfort in it. I miss being able to get my crazy out. I have so much of at times it seems.

I’m not seeing that time coming in the near future, especially since I’ll be starting classes in a month, I’m in the process of moving, & trying to ‘not push away’ the one person who shows me love on a daily basis (please send good juju/pray/dance naked in the woods/light a candle/cast a spell(only good ones please)/make a wish,do whatever it is that you do for me so that I don’t fuck this up, I don’t let my broken push away anyone good & also that I don’t let in anymore bad. Thank you!) even though I tell him how broken I am. He makes me smile, from that deep in your soul place.. Okay I don’t want to jinx anything or make it seem like something more than it is; simply 2 souls connecting and enjoying the time while doing so..

I haven’t done a zero-dark-stupid wee hours of the am post in quite some time. And I really fucking miss it!

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I’m not missing You… You’re missing from Me.

cheaters

I’m sitting here trying to not go crazy. It’s not working. I beg you to leave when we are talking but as soon as you you’re gone I panic. What is wrong with me?

I can’t forget.

I can forgive. I have already forgiven. I may have forgiven you before I ever knew but I can’t fucking FORGET! No matter how hard I try. And I do try. Please believe that. I try. And my ignoring it or not mentioning it makes it seem like I am fine and that every thing is okay but its not! It’s not at all. There is nothing okay with me right now.

I can’t stop thinking that every time your text goes off or your phone rings that it’s Her. I can’t stop thinking about all of the things you used to say to me that you MUST have said to Her too. I can’t stop thinking of how I was laying in bed, exhausted, miserable, barely making it while YOU were holding her in your arms and thanking Her for letting you?! I can’t stop thinking of how I was going through some of the darkest times in my life, needing US, begging for US at times, calling you over and over again (not my proudest moment), texting, emailing, crying, all of these things and more while you were WITH HER!!

It disgusts me.

All of those things and the million more that run through my head make me fucking sick.

You beg for a chance… Another.  

You want to show me how you would never hurt me… Again.

You want to let me know that I am the only one for you… Now.

You want me to trust you… Gag.

You want me to let you love me… Puke.

This is seriously how my brain is right now. and I try my hardest to not let the cRaZy out but I’m getting worse at holding it in. A part of me wants to show you all the crazy I got so that you will hightail it out of here now instead of later.

Because really, that is what it all comes down to.

You are going to leave again.

There is going to be another Her.

You will decide, again, that I’m not worth it anymore.

There is no such thing as forever. I don’t believe in it. you can’t make me believe in US. I tried. I almost believed. You almost had me with all of your love bullshit but the truth came out. your true colors shined bright. And there is nothing you can do to change my mind.

You’re trying. You’re trying to make me believe. There are times that I almost believe you but the panic sets in and the fear takes over and the believe is quickly lost.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry if you mean all that you say.

I’m sorry if you really, truly, love me.

I’m sorry that I don’t have anymore believe baby.

I wish I did.

I love you.

I’m yours.

 

I don’t see US ever having a night like I’ve had… I see a lot more loving than spitting and fighting for US.

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I want to write. I want to tell you about all of the horrible things that He did to me tonight. I want to tell you about how he spit in my face and called me a whore…

But I don’t have the energy. I am so tired that I can only think about curling up and falling asleep to some Pretty Little Liars, yes I am Netflix addicted, dreaming of being in your arms.

I miss you so bad it hurts. I am so thankful for your love. I am so thankful for you.

I will try to find more time to write this weekend. I’m hoping to be able to have some down time. I’m going to need it after my 11 hour day tomorrow): SUPER SAD FACE

I can’t wait to write all about May (((: EXTREME UBER EXCITED FACE

I love you. I miss you. I’m so happy to see your face every day.

I’m yours. Forever.

Don’t let me go… I’m stupid, I say dumb things, don’t you know you were never supposed to listen to me?

 

It’s been awhile since I have had the time to write. The only thing missing is a glass of wine but I just don’t feel like one so it’s just me, this, and the moon tonight. And I can only think of a few other things I would rather be doing.

I had to change the song because Eminem makes it so easy to be angry so The Fray it is. I think I found the title of my post tonight. Thank you The Fray for speaking the words I can’t. Enough side tracking let me say what I have wanted to say all day.

I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts. It actually physically hurts in my bones sometimes, and weird ones that I don’t think I have ever paid attention to before the ache in them gave me no other choice but to notice.

I was interrupted so I have no freaking idea where I was going or what I was saying. I know how I am feeling right now so lets write about that.

I am feeling so many things right now. Most of them are conflicting. I can’t help but to laugh at myself because this is what I have been saying for awhile now. Go out. Do things. Meet people. Find someone to distract you and make time move quickly instead of moving at the speed of sloth like it does for me. Of course the last one hurts the most and causes intense mixed feeling.

I want you to be happy. You are a part of my soul; of course I want you to be happy. But I want you to be happy with me. I am learning to accept that is not going to happen so the only other option is for you to find a new Happy with someone else. Even writing it gives me intense anxiety.

I kinda think you already have anyways. I can tell you are distant and I don’t know why but suspect there is a someone instead of something. I don’t really want to put down all the doubts and fears I have about that issue because it makes it too real for me.

My sleep literally consists of a series of mini nightmares. All of which consist of you, me, and someone or thing that is keeping us apart. Sometimes it is you making the choice to stay away and those ones are the worst. I don’t usually fall back to sleep after those ones. There is not much in the universe that could put me back to sleep after one of those. I can’t even hide from the pain of losing US in my sleep. There is no escaping the ache in my soul. I can fake it when I have to but there is no faking in the silent darkness of night, when the screams in my head are louder than any noise made.

You are the only one who can silence the screams and soothe my soul. And nothing hurts more than knowing that there will be no silence or soothing for either. US was lost. US was is broken.

Fuck. Interrupted again.

I miss you. I’m sorry.

I love you. Like I have never loved another soul, and probably never will.  

My song to you tonight Moon. I haven’t heard this in awhile but the feelings came flooding back.

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPC2Fp7IT7o&list=PL10D240B9F4EF129F&index=1&feature=plpp_video

I think that the ‘One Day’ has arrived… And I don’t know what to do. So I guess I will watch the Olympics.

I hate this feeling, the feeling like I am a bother, annoying, or worse yet, interrupting you. I hate that it took me losing the little bit of trust I had found in you to make me realize that I had in fact found trust in you.

I forgot what a horrible feeling it is to wake up from night terrors with tear soaked cheeks wondering if it will be another US-less day. I hate not being able to shake the fear I feel in the pit of my stomach that US is gone. I hate the tears that spring to my eyes and the breath that is sucked from me at random times. I hate that I want to spend hours days forever in your arms but at the same time feel like in your arms is the last place you want me to be. I feel like you want to spend as little time with me as possible, like you give me enough just to shut me up for a bit and that you are cringing the whole time.

Im so sad. I feel the sadness in my bones. My heart is heavy. My feet are heavy. Even my fingers are heavy. I want to just sleep but even my sleep is full of nightmares. I feel like I didn’t even sleep last night instead I just watched a series of horrible mini movies full of you leaving me in various ways usually ending with me crying on the floor. I’m not looking forward to sleep tonight either.

I need you. I need US to fix this. I’m scared it’s unfixable. Mostly because I don’t think you want to fix US anymore. I feel like you have reached your boiling point and are done with US.

Fuck.

 

 

 

 

 

Of course this song plays right now.. FU Pandora!

 

I’m so exhausted. I am going to try to sleep. Wish you were here….

I am so sorry. I miss you. I love you. I suck.

I’m sorry. I miss you. I can’t sleep. I’m exhausted. I have to sleep. I have to force myself to try. I need to be up in 5 hours. Probably about the time I fall asleep.

Fuck.

I am hoping to get some time to try to write tomorrow. I need to. I am going to go fucking iNsAnE iN tHe MeMbRaNe soon if I don’t ‘sort’ some of the shit going on up there out.

Wish me luck for tomorrow.

Or not.

I forgot you probably hate me right about now. Sorry again. I know it doesn’t help or make anything better but I really am.

I usually try to text, call, or message you every 20 minutes but quickly stop myself. It is too hard to hear you, your voice, your love, your patience, your understanding, all of YOU is too hard to fight anymore. Hearing the disappointment in your voice is heart wrenching. I hate that you are hurting. I am sorry I get so lost in my hurt that I forget that you too could be hurting. I’m sorry you hurt.

I’m sorry I hurt you.

I’m sorry.

I love you. I really do. I wish I could love you the way you deserve to be loved. I wish I could write more tonight.

Until we meet again my Moon. I love you.  

Today I don’t even want to get out of bed. I hate today. Is it over yet?

I miss you. I have been so busy with everyday life that I haven’t had much time to sit and wallow in my sadness but it is still there, always. And I am rarely alone anymore so even if I am sad I don’t have the luxury to let it ‘show’. And it pretty much fucking sucks. I don’t know how much longer this fake will hold up.

I am so exhausted from holding everything back and putting on a happy face that I can hardly keep my eyes open when I do hit the pillow at night. Of course that is when the silence signals the loudness in my head to start. So a tossin’ and a turnin’ we go until around 5am-ish when I finally have tossed and turned my mind and body to complete exhaustion. I have the most UN-restful sleep I have had my entire life. And it sucks. Big time. I hardly remember what it is like to ‘fall asleep’ without having to exhaust myself.

I miss the way I would slowly drift off into the most amazing sleep with you. It was hard to fight at times. You always made me feel so safe and comfortable and loved. I miss that. I miss you. I miss US.

Busy day again today so I must begin my fake ass day. Wish me luck. I need it.

I wonder if I will ever drift to sleep again…

I love you.

A silence broken. Maybe you like my silence better. I do.

I’m back from the dead. I think. I am pretty sure I know what it feels like to die now. Or at least I now know what it feels like to beg to be done and for someone to end it. I spent days writhing in pain, begging for some one or thing to take the pain and fever away. I have never felt the pain in my joints and muscles like I felt when I was sick. I even thought someone was trying to poison me at one point.  I was ready to be taken to the hospital. Or to die. Whichever could happen fastest? And I was like this for days. I ate 5 saltines in about 3 days. It was bad. And the stress from Hurricane Black didn’t help I am sure.  I had no idea the flu could bring a grown woman to a crying sobbing mess.

Writing doesn’t comfort me the way it used to. I don’t understand why. I want to write so badly. I want to be able to feel that release I would feel after getting everything out but I can’t. And I think it is going to drive me crazy. I know that this HUGE case of block is not helping but I feel like it might be more than that.

Perhaps it is that I don’t know what to say to you. I don’t know how to ‘fake’ it here in my writing. I am a pro at flipping on the fake when needed, as long as I have my props, sunglasses and fake smiles. But when it comes to writing, well, I can’t fake this shit. When I write it is from the now, the real, the raw, and most of the times the oh so fucking ugly. And I feel like I have been so full of ugly for so long that I try to write ‘pretty’. But when I attempt to sort through the mess and pick out the good and the pretty I find myself lost in the blackness and feel like I am swallowed whole and then all the pretty is lost and I feel like I have nothing. So nothing is what I write.

I find that the silence is not even an option any longer. So there is always music on. Loud. Really loud. I avoid sitting. I try to keep my mind and body as busy as possible. Even now I feel like I should be up cleaning but since I have a load in both the washer and dryer and everything already folded and put away I am trying to convince myself that it is okay to sit here and get some shit out. So sit I am. With the music blaring. And the cursor blinking.

So shit is pretty messy here. I have been writing about it. I am just keeping them in a folder for now. Perhaps a blog will be born someday from them. But for now they will stayed buried where all things, dark, scary, shameful, and full of black belong, in a folder hidden on my computer.

I am battling this the only way I can. By the seat of my fucking pants. Fist flying. I still need to battle this beast on my own though.

I need to prove to myself that I can do this. I need to do this to prove that I am not the things I am told I am. And that I am everything I am told I can never be.

I need to find me. I don’t know where to even begin but I know that 5 years is a long time to be wandering lost and I am ready to find the way back to the living.

I am so sorry. I know you beg me to not push. To not give up. And I want you to know that I am not giving up on US. But I need to find ME and fix what happened here while I was so busy lost in US. I am not giving up though. I hope that after I can stand on my own two feet, all by myself with no help, we will find our way back to US. I in no way expect you to ‘wait’ for me. And if you don’t. I understand. But I can’t be distracted right now. And you distract me. US distracts me.

I was so lost in US that I didn’t see how terrible things were here. I was so busy lost in the tingles, the stolen breaths’, and sparkles that I didn’t see my world deteriorating around me.

So now, when you whisper your words and they fall over me like a soft blanket I start to panic. I am so scared that I will get lost in US again and the blackness will take over again and I will be too distracted to see. And we both know how easily I fall into US. Was it not just last night that I startled awake not remembering how I fell into such a peaceful slumber? I can’t allow that to happen. I don’t fall asleep with out tossing and turning and it makes it so much harder to do this alone when I am reminded of what US feels like.

I have been avoiding all things internet related. For days. If I avoid the internet I am not temped to message you. And since my cell phone has been MIA since I survived the flu from fucking hell last week and I haven’t ‘had the time’ to look for it then texting is not an option. Add that I have been avoiding this place like the BLACK fucking plague, because it is so full of black, and it appears that plan No Contact has been fairly successful.

Sorry about that. But I have to battle this dark, blackness filled, depression inducing fucking beast on my own.

I miss you. I love you. I am so sorry. I hope you understand why I have to do this.

Goodnight my Moon. Please don’t hate me.