Oh my if I didn’t know where to begin before than I am really fucked now. Where do I even start with the last 2 weeks? We went from the depths of sadness into the loving arms of US in zeropointstupid seconds and my head is still spinning from it.

It is so hard to even imagine the last few weeks and the emotions and drama that have come with it. Tonight we will talk about the crazy. And whatever else pops out.

There is NO WAY for me to stop the pictures and images of you two in my head. I can’t stop it no matter what I try to do. And it always comes at the worst times. I am better at hiding it from you now, sometimes, especially when we are in the throes of intimacy and I am feeling more amazing than ever in places I never thought possible and BAM I imagine you doing these things to her, saying these things to her, using your mouth on her, her making you feel the way I make you feel, and that is just the tip of the fucking iceberg. I mean, seriously, it has to be the biggest freaking moodsucker that I have ever encountered, and I have two kids under the age of 10 so I know all about moodsuckers. Not to mention how fucking hard it is to not just burst out and ask you questions and drill you on every emotion and thought that you have ever had about her because I seriously want to. I want to ask you and know every little tiny detail, even though I know it will kill me, and I don’t know why.

I mean the first words out of my mouth last night after I could breathe again were, ‘ Did you use a condom with her?’

Seriously?!

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Why can’t I let it go? Why can’t I just stop thinking about her and you?

Because it went on for MONTHS behind my back. And I am sure the tiny bit that I do know about is just that, a tiny fucking bit, and that there are so many more things that I don’t want to know.  But how do I tell my mind that? How do I make my craziness believe that I don’t want to know?

And speaking of believe. Don’t even get me started on how much I DON’T believe in this undying love bullshit. I know you tell me everyday. You look, actually look, into my eyes and tell me that you are mine, heart/body/soul and I don’t believe a freaking word of it.

I’m sorry.