I left my laptop with my boys on their sleepover at grandmas. I’m not in a good place right now. The tingle is gone, it’s nowhere to be found. I’m losing this fight. I’m not getting out of bed today. I will try to check in tomorrow.

I love you. I need you. I miss you.

Hey mister, I started this post the other night from the iPod. I was in a bad place. The tingle has been M.I.A for I don’t know how long now? It seems like the longer it has been gone the harder it is to remember the feeling. I have only been able to express myself with music. It’s easier for me when things are really dark. I feel like if I put the monstrous thoughts down it makes me them even more real, so I prefer to keep them locked up and let the music do the talking.

I spent much of Friday in a funk. I tried to keep myself as busy as possible to keep the monsters at bay. It wasn’t difficult to keep busy since the boys got out of school early and kept me going nonstop for the rest of the afternoon. It was Friday night when the real darkness set in. The boys stayed with my mom. Since I was pretty much a zombie at this point they convinced me to leave my laptop with them so they could each play on one. I for some reason decided that would be fine. Until I came home to the dark, empty house. I stared at the bottles of wine in the rack and decided that a bottle of wine with no laptop AND no you just was not a good idea. So I forgot about the wine and tried my hardest to ignore the monsters by blaring music and cleaning house. It worked for a bit but I finally had to get something out so I posted from the iPod. It is so difficult for me to figure out how to use the damn thing. It was a great distraction for a bit.

I didn’t sleep Friday. I didn’t sleep until sometime late/early Sunday morning for a bit. I only slept because I broke down and got the laptop from my mom’s late last night. I checked my email and seen that you had been messaging me all night. It allowed me to take a full breath. It was the first time I was able to really breathe since losing the tingle. I finally drifted into a restless sleep around 3ish this morning. I was up for kick off at 10am. I’m sad to say that the tingle has not returned, even with the messages I received from you. I will continue to fight The Beast and the monsters. I hate that they live inside of me now. I hate that I can’t get rid of them. I hate the weekends. I hate not being with you. I hate when I have so much to hate….

I’m going to stop now. I need to stop now. I miss you. I love you. I need you.