It feels like you’ve been gone for so long now there is nothing but darkness. I don’t even remember what it feels like to be anything but numb. I can’t even say that I am hurting because I don’t think I feel anything. I can start to feel the panic set in, the racing of my heart, the shortness of breath, but the gripping hurt that would set in shortly after, I am not feeling.

I am convinced that you are gone again. I know it has only been since Saturday that I have heard from you but you said you would be messaging me everyday. I knew that it was stupid to expect those messages. I knew that there was a possibility that you weren’t going to be able to follow through with messaging me this weekend but I was fooled by that fucking tingle, to just believe you would be there. It’s when you aren’t there when I expect it that it usually hurts.

This whole not feeling anything is bullshit. I want to be mad. I want to yell at you and tell you that you better have a fucking good excuse this time. But I don’t really care why you haven’t messaged me. I don’t really care if your reason is valid or not, I just care that you made me believe in you for 5 days straight. You promised me that you were going to message me, that I needed to relax, believe, trust, and then you didn’t follow through and I am left here doubting everything again. I hate this, I don’t want to do this anymore. I hate the uncertainty. I liked it better when I expected this shit.

I am going to go now. I don’t have anything nice or happy to say, all I want to say is fuck you and that is just my anger and fear talking. Oh yea, and Merry fucking Christmas.

I love you. I don’t know how much longer I can try, I’m tired, I’m so tired of hurting and doubting…… I’m sorry.