When 114 days seemed like an eternity… But I made it, yay me.

Dear Universe,

Here I am again.

Obviously not in a good place. I’m here aren’t I? This is the place that I come to try to save myself. I’ve almost been coming to this place for a decade now.

Can you believe it?

Almost a decade full of my heartache, soul ache, tears, sleepless nights, & more love than I thought imaginable. And I’m still here to write about it.

Sadly I’m not posting some great update.

Looking back at my drafts folder it seems like I’m just writing about the same crap just a different year.

It has been 114 days since I’ve heard anything from Him.

I’m not even hiding the fact that I’m counting.

Or the fact that after all the crying I did for Him last year I still went back and allowed Him to do the exact same thing again, just in a different way.

Much worse this time.

The last phone conversation we had He made it a point to tell me He wasnt going anywhere. 3 days later He sent a text about how he didnt know if we could be friends or if we should be friends.

I asked if he was breaking up with me on text.

He said he couldn’t break up with me, we weren’t even in a relationship.

And then he blocked me on everything… OUCH

I’ve had 2 moments of weakness since January.

Thankfully only 2 but also..

Booooo to 2.

The first was during the very ugly & dark time in the very beginning.

The second was right after I found out I had gotten a job, He was an automatic dial in my excitement but I quickly learned my lesson there (sent me into another 2 week depressive episode) and I won’t make that mistake again.

To say that I was in a dark place in the beginning is an understatement.

I was depressed, anxious, & $uicidal.

It was scary.

I’m not proud to say that I was in such a terrible place but I am also not ashamed to admit it in any way either.

The first 2 weeks I spent crying, praying, and in church.

I surrounded myself with the Lord.

I can’t believe I am even writing that. If anything shocks me about myself it is that I turned to my faith, and I am so glad that I did.

It honestly saved me.

I went to group on Monday. I went to Wendesday worship. Step Study on Thursday nights. I went to Friday and Saturday night service, Sunday morning service. I surrounded myself with people who cared about me & the terrible place I was in and they all prayed for and with me.

What I didn’t do was turn to the old habits I was used to.

And boy was that hard.

I’ve lived (and documented) the ideas of… If you aren’t filling my cup then I am going to find someone who will, because there is no way I’m walking around with an empty cup!

But that is just what I did.

I walked & stumbled around with an empty and broken cup. There were moments that my cup was so shattered that it couldn’t hold a drop.

I didn’t hide from my pain. I didn’t ignore it.

I felt every second of it.

There were so many nights that I spent just trying to make it to the next breath.

Hours of just trying to breathe in and out.

My mind was consumed by every memory, every missed moment of Him. It raced with the thoughts and images of what and how I could have done things differently.

I ached thinking that I would never be in His presence again.

I replayed the last text and phone conversations we had in my head over and over, on a constant loop that wouldn’t stop no matter how I tried.

I don’t remember how I made it through but I know that it had everything to do with all of the praying that I did and surrounded myself with.

Everyone around me was concerned for me, in a way that they never have been before.

I was bad off.

I really wanted to unalive myself.

I was okay with being done here.

I couldn’t imagine existing in a place where there was no Him.

Accepting an existence where He hates me was not imaginable. I could deal with Him not being in love with me, but hating me?

Not caring about me at all?

No thanks.

I’m out.

And I wanted to be.

Obviously I’m not but it was too close for comfort.

They prescribed me Xanax.

I prayed harder.

Pray for me, my broken heart, my shattered soul… but mostly for my healing.

 

 

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by moon lover on August 5, 2021  •  Permalink
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Posted by moon lover on August 5, 2021

https://talking2mymoon.wordpress.com/2021/08/05/when-114-days-seemed-like-an-eternity-but-i-made-it-yay-me/

Another broken hearted V-Day… Shocker.

Dear Universe,

Some how I ended up parked in our spot, in what is honestly one of the “hard days” of a year with a broken heart and a soul ache that just don’t stop..

I haven’t text him yet. I did slip up, (literally my finger swiped right on his name) and called but I am not even mad honestly because I heard his voice on his voicemail. Oddly, (or terrifyingly stalkerish to some) just hearing his voice took a tiny bit of hurt out of my heart and calmed it.

He has always had that affect on me, even in our darkest times He brought me calmness.

Maybe that’s why I’m parked here, trying to soak up any tiny bit of us that may be left behind in this universe.

I looked up and a hummingbird flew up right in front of me, flittered around and I know coming here was the right thing to do today.

I’m not ready to let go of my love for Him completely, and honestly don’t think I ever will be. But I can find comfort in his happiness, even with out me.

And that’s how I know I was meant to love him, forever.

Even from a far.

I can be his biggest supporter and fiercest fan, I’ll just do it from the side lines, hidden in the crowd.

I’m not saying all is fixed and it’s better. But I know that it will be.

Typing this, the sun peaked out and is shining bright on me to say the Universe agrees.

Happy Friday the 14th ya’ll.

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by moon lover on February 14, 2020  •  Permalink
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Posted by moon lover on February 14, 2020

https://talking2mymoon.wordpress.com/2020/02/14/another-broken-hearted-v-day-shocker/

A peak inside the first 8 weeks… Of a lifetime without Him, great.

Dear Universe,

I made it through 8 weeks, my first of a lifetime, with no Him.

Panic immediately sets in after typing that, because what if we are blessed with more than one lifetime?

I may have to go through more than 1 lifetime without Him?

WTF?

I’m not okay with that.

I’m not okay with one more second, let alone a lifetime, or many…

Seriously..

How are we here?

I’m questioning my decision of staying so quiet during most of our time together. But after having all this time to think I’ve come to the conclusion that I was scared to put it out here because I didn’t believe it would really last.

Or maybe I was just selfish with it and wanted to keep it to myself.
I didn’t want to share the amazing that we had because honestly there aren’t really words to describe most of it.

I mean I can describe it in certain ways. But I can’t actually delve into the feelings/emotions we shared because I don’t know of any words that could do it justice.

Love works, but even that is not a true enough description.

This will jump every place and then probably circle back… several times… before making sense, if any at all..

I’m not in a good place.

So to save myself, or at least in an attempt to try, I come here.. to write it out.

I’m currently in the process of writing Him a goodbye letter.

I’m failing.

Miserably..

I shake so much every time I try it’s impossible and I give up quickly.

And the tears? Yeah… those are a fucking joke too..

GPS took me by his work today.

My heart was pounding.

My legs we’re shaking.

The tears sprang to my eyes and burned my throat.

Why would the universe do this to me?

I’ve been trying so hard to stay away… give him the life and space he wants.

I repeat in my head over and over and over, more times a day than I would like to admit, He doesn’t want you, He didn’t choose you, He doesn’t want you, He doesn’t want you…

You get it… its an endless freaking cycle and I’m so exhausted I wish I could sleep this all away but I can’t even do that because I’m not okay in those either.

I keep trying to distract myself and throw myself into other things to stay busy and hopefully have less time to be alone in my thoughts.. it works for small spurts, and then I am back to the thoughts.

And my thoughts tell me that I need to let Him go, I need to realize that He wasn’t mine to keep and that I need be more appreciative that our souls connected and shared.

Ugh.

Also, can I just say that breakups are bullshit!

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by moon lover on February 6, 2020  •  Permalink
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Posted by moon lover on February 6, 2020

https://talking2mymoon.wordpress.com/2020/02/06/a-peak-inside-the-first-8-weeks-of-a-lifetime-without-him-great/

The privilege of meeting, knowing, and loving you… I’ll never forget it.

Dear Universe,

I thought I smelled Him today.

For a split second, in the middle of 1 of the busiest places to be, with thousands of people around, I caught myself searching the crowd for Him. I was convinced that He would be right there, he had to be, I could fucking smell him.

But as quickly as it came it was gone.

And I was left standing in the middle of a stream of flowing people, searching for someone who will never be close enough for me too smell again.

I miss Him so bad.

I wake up each morning and 1 of the first things I do is look at His picture. And at night when I’m tossing and turning, I pull out my phone and stare at His picture, again. I usually throw in an I love you… or even I miss you…

I miss His face, smile, eyes, beard, hands, fingers, lips… you get the point I’m sure.

I don’t know if I will ever stop missing Him.

This is such a different connection and relationship than anything I’ve ever experienced before and the severing of it is torture.

I’m trying my hardest to write but honestly even having to type these thoughts into reality is making my stomach hurt.

I just keep telling myself that He chose to be where he is. I’m not saying that I didn’t help make his decision a little bit easier being so chicken shit…. but he is ultimately responsible for his own choices, regardless of what I did or did not do.

I’m just trying to keep reminding myself that.

I’m failing.

Miserably.

by moon lover on January 16, 2020  •  Permalink
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Posted by moon lover on January 16, 2020

https://talking2mymoon.wordpress.com/2020/01/16/the-privilege-of-meeting-knowing-and-loving-you-ill-never-forget-it/

More on Him… Less on my sanity.

Dear Universe,

When I’m tossing and turning in bed at night I write the most fabulous posts.. in my head.

And then when I find the time to sit down with the keyboard I get this.. nothing.

Words just jumbled in my brain, all trying to escape at once and everyone trying to communicate with someone else. And it fucking sucks. How can I write when I can’t find one thing to stick to? It’s exhausting.

Almost as exhausting as no sleep.

Almost.

I am trying my hardest to avoid the topic of Him. But if I want to get my crazy out, here is where it should happen.

Maybe someday I will open up about more of my life here than just my broken, tender heart but that just gets too deep into the rabbit hole.

And I’m so broken without Him…

We didn’t stick to our words.

Promises were broken and love was abundant.

I came alive in His arms, and mouth.

I needed to be reminded that I hadn’t made our story and connection up.

He is real.

Our love is undeniable.

Connecting is immediate, still.

I’ll never be done loving him.

We could live a thousand lifetimes, I will find him.

I have to.

I’m currently writing from the bathtub.

It’s that bad around here right now.

I’ve sunk to hiding out in the bathroom any chance I get, either in the bathtub or shower, always with music blaring while trying to remind myself that breathing is an involuntary action and shouldn’t be this hard…

So turns out that the years before that I thought I found and had fallen into the deepest love possible with Moon… yeah… that was nothing compared to what I experienced the last 3 years.

Not to diminish what I felt before, because at the time I had never experienced what I have now, and those were the strongest I’d felt at the time.

But now…

I have actually felt the feeling of my breath rushing out of my lungs while my throat turns dry and my heart races and that secret tingle starts down yonder.. all was from a simple smile from across the room when our eyes would meet.

I could, and did, lie in his arms for hours, not saying a word, while at the same time the two of us couldn’t have been more in sync with another being if we tried.

Our souls knew each other and were so connected when we touched it is almost scary, and is definitely unbelievable.

I didn’t know that you could find someone and being instantly and immediately drawn to them.

But I did.

And I was.

I still am.

But life did what it does best, and threw us for a loop.

We have spent the last few months at each other’s throats and not in the way we used to be.

I honestly don’t even know if LOVE describes what we have together. Is there a word that means something stronger than love? Because that is what He and I have.

Now, history would show that I’m feeling something completely one sided.

And I probably am.. hence being in the bathtub to drown out my tears (literally) while trying to find a way to believe that I am not the dumbest most gullible person in the world…

While He is not alone… possibly ( probably) balls deep inside someone else.

I actually thought I had found the 1 soul who would or could, never leave me. The one who only exists in fairy tales kind of person. Because honestly that is almost how our story is… fairytale-ish.

There was a period of time where we spent as much time as possible, as close to each other as possible. Hours and days were spent laying in each other’s arms, sometimes talking, laughing, whispering, kissing.

But most often our souls did the talking while the two of us just laid there soaking up the amazingness that was happening.

But where once there was rushing back to be together…. there is now missed calls, unanswered texts, and scheduled meet ups that usually don’t ‘meet up’..

Did I mention the unnumbered amount of ‘randoms’ who He says mean ‘nothing’ He’s been hooked up with for months? (Probably not, because in His defense I am living with the Baby Daddy still.. *Reminder* this is a judgement free zone here!)

It is soul crushing and nauseating at once.

Literally.

So what is a girl to do?

Do I stay on the path that He and I have mapped out even though He’s no longer a piece of it?

Do I throw myself into a ‘means nothing to me but you distract me from my soul dying’ relationship, to try to get through this?

Do I beg Him to wake up and realize that we could spend 3 lifetimes and never find anything comparable to this again, SO we really shouldn’t fuck it up (I mean.. are we seriously letting something that has zero value in comparison to what we have replace us? Is this fucking real life right now?)

I never wanted to be the chick that kept coming back and wouldn’t go away, like a pesky fruit fly, ever again. I have played that role. I could win awards for that role!

Yet here I am.. probably losing it over something that He doesn’t give 2 shits about anymore..

I’m.

So.

Fucking.

Stupid.

Sooooooo fucking stupid.

He’s already chose and I’m over here acting like there’s some huge decisions to be made.

What a fucking joke I am…

I give up.

I just wish my heart & soul did too…

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by moon lover on July 26, 2019  •  Permalink
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Posted by moon lover on July 26, 2019

https://talking2mymoon.wordpress.com/2019/07/26/more-on-him-less-on-my-sanity/

A sad broken road… To becoming whole.

Dear Universe,

I’m attempting to write again. It’s been so long. I have a ton more drafts filling up my draft folder but that is just how life is now I guess..

I have struggled to write here because of how ‘here’ came to existence. I wrote for Moon, for all the love that I had for him and what I thought was to become of US..

We are nothing now.

Yet still this blog exists.

It sits as a reminder of a life that I was certain would be mine.

Now we are nothing more than simply letters strewn together on a page.

I have attempted to put more words down here but I don’t have the passion burning inside that I once did.

It died with the loss of US…

It’s been quite sometime.

A lot has changed and very little all at the same time.

I have completely healed from the heart ache I once felt. I truly never thought I would say that. There are still moments when I deeply miss what Moon and I once shared but those moments are very few and extremely far between now. I also think about Moon sometimes.

After so many days/weeks/months/years, can you believe I still think about Moon?

I miss Moon. And I don’t I don’t mean I miss him in the way I once missed him, (like a lover) but the way you miss a friend, because honestly for a long time that is what I thought we were under it all.

I wonder if he ever thinks of me, also… not in the lovey dovey way but simply wonder if the images of US dance across his mind? Or did I truly paint that picture all on my own?

It was a long road to get here…

I was reckless, wild, free, and some might even say fun.

But there was also times of complete despair and utter hopelessness too.

I can report that I have and can feel things that are comparable, I won’t say they are the same because I don’t believe that you can have the same feelings/reactions/experiences with everyone hence the word comparable, to the feelings that he and I shared.

I was able to feel alive in the arms of another, again.

I had butterflies, giggles, and goosies, again.

I had a perma grin.

I hated to say goodbye, even if it was only for a few hours, but fell in love with hello’s all over, again.

I was a blushing, horny teenager, and I loved every second of it.

But sadly it just wasn’t our time and that relationship is no more.

And though it hurts and I feel sadness and loneliness, again…

I am hoping I will heal from this soul-ache also.

I just haven’t yet.

Will I?

This time, I’m honestly not sure…

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by moon lover on July 26, 2019  •  Permalink
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Posted by moon lover on July 26, 2019

https://talking2mymoon.wordpress.com/2019/07/26/a-sad-broken-road-to-becoming-whole/

Not even donuts taste the same.

Dear Universe,

I don’t want to not know Him anymore.

I can’t stop from missing him.

I miss his scruff. I miss his touch. I miss his kids.

I still find my throat going dry, my heart racing, and tears streaming down to my neck, at any given memory.

It sucks.

And it hurts.

It’s hard to remember to forget when he was literally a part of almost every piece of my life for 3 years.

He’s every love song that comes on.

He’s every lavender bubble bath I take.

He’s in every crash of the waves.

He’s every full moon and star.

He’s every pork chop I force myself to cook.

He’s every donut I choke down.

He’s everything.

He’s not mine.

Help me.

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by moon lover on December 29, 2018  •  Permalink
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Posted by moon lover on December 29, 2018

https://talking2mymoon.wordpress.com/2018/12/29/not-even-donuts-taste-the-same/

So this is Christmas… Baby, please come home.

Dear Universe,

I just miss Him.

I still wake up every morning exhausted from a restless sleep full of me searching desperately for Him..

I am pretty much 100% positive that having your mojo stolen is a real thing! And He took mine! I try not to get TMI on the personal information, cuz you know.. I’m not a sex blog… but I haven’t orgasmed since He left.. and that’s a WHOLE other story…..

He is still the last thought through my mind at night and the first face my mind sees every morning…

I am trying so hard to be okay. This is what He wants (or apparently doesn’t want💔) and all I can do is accept that.

I wanted to message Him today, cry about how I had so many ideas for us this Xmas, how I wasn’t planning on not having another season with him. Tell him how Santa sucks because He was the only thing on My List and he’s still nowhere… but mostly I want to know how he forgot about me so easily? Could I get some pointers? I could really use the help..

I’m trying…

I pinky.

That is all I got… Merry Tuesday..

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by moon lover on December 26, 2018  •  Permalink
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Posted by moon lover on December 26, 2018

https://talking2mymoon.wordpress.com/2018/12/26/so-this-is-christmas-baby-please-come-home/

Broken in dreams… Shattered in reality.

Dear Universe,

He finally showed up in my dreams.. in the worst way possible, to break my heart a little bit more..

I’ve spent every night since He left looking for Him, especially in my dreams. He’s been nowhere. It’s been devasting and exhausting all at once.

He deleted me from every part of his life in my dream, his new girlfriend made him, and he was happy to oblige. I didn’t think my heart could break anymore.

I was wrong.

I woke up bawling, a tightness in my chest that was unbearable and an aching in my soul that wasn’t going anywhere… and even with the tears running down my face and neck and the hurt buried deep in my being, I still tried to fall back asleep to find Him again, to see Him another second… even if that meant so he could break me further.

I’ll never stop needing Him…

I can’t stop loving Him.

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by moon lover on December 19, 2018  •  Permalink
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Posted by moon lover on December 19, 2018

https://talking2mymoon.wordpress.com/2018/12/19/broken-in-dreams-shattered-in-reality/

Same hurt… Different day.

Dear Universe,

I can only get so far into our story before the emotions take over and the hurt makes it too hard to continue. I always have great intentions of sitting down and getting out as much of the crazy as possible but I usually fall so deep down the rabbit hole so quickly that before I know it there’s too much sadness to see through and it is just too difficult to go on.

I am always shocked and surprised how long the hurt sticks around. Also how time is not your friend in any way during the ‘first’s’ of any heart ache. Time is supposed heal but all it does is remind how long it has been since I have talked to Him, touched Him, heard from Him… every fucking thing….

I slept in his shirt for two and a half weeks, straight, in the beginning… It was the only was I was able to sleep. I’d pull my legs up into the bottom and take my arms out of the sleeves and basically just wrap myself in Him… I can’t find that shirt now….I have shoved it into the back if my closet at a lame attempt to forget Him. Which is funny now because there was a time that I literally had a panic attack looking for that shirt, I couldn’t sleep without it remember.. pathetic.. I know…

It’s harder the longer it goes. I want to drown myself in memories of you but instead find myself hiding from any sign of you. I found a video of you telling me goodnight, you love me… I’ve watched it until my eyes have nothing left to cry… I’ve also found long lost voicemails from you but I have yet had the courage to listen to any of them. I can’t.

The only time I’m not physically thinking of Him is when the activity I am engaged in requires thought or when I make myself not think of Him. Oh… and in my dreams. I can’t find him anywhere in them and that is terrifying in a whole new way.

I haven’t talked much about our connection but holy banana pancakes it is something I hope everyone gets to experience in their life! I have never been more connected with any other being ( except for the 4 kiddos I grew inside of me but that’s a whole different connection) before. I sound crazy when I say that my soul connected with his but it did. It was like our souls have always known each other and we were just the vessels that finally brought them back together. When I say that I felt Him I did so in a way that is indescribable unless you’ve experienced yourself.

During our relationship when we were in a not good place I could feel it in my being. My soul would ache if He did something and there was no way of me knowing, other than the fact that I could feel that something was not right with us. And when we were good.. well, I could feel that in my soul too. I could always “feel” him, we were always connected. But now it’s a different story..

I actually look for him in my dreams. It’s almost scary how I can’t feel. him at all anymore. Especially in my dreams. And then after a long night of seething my dreams for him I wake up in the night with tears streaming down my face terrified that He won’t be there when I open my eyes… and he’s not.

And then I am quickly reminded of the last few times I was able to doze in his arms, 1 of my favorite spots in this universe… I fit there, perfectly. But that only makes me feel worse… I wont be in those arms again. Never again will I jolt awake from a nightmare to be soothed by Him, his eyes filled with love, his lips full of tender kisses, shushing me back to sleep… those days are gone.

I spend more time than I’d like to admit wondering if He thinks of me. Do I cross his mind? Do small, stupid things remind Him of me? Does He regret walking away from me? Does He wish he would have walked away a long time ago? Will I ever stop loving Him?

I used to tell Him that if anything were to happen and our happily ever after didn’t come that I didn’t want to remain friends with him. I had more than a few freak outs where I was more than adamant that I could and would never be a friend to him if we weren’t an item. I was so wrong. I know that right now is way too soon to try to be anything but I know that someday I hope that we can be something. But could we? I don’t think I could ever look at Him the same way again.

I am always so proud of myself when I have made it through another bout of weakness to reach out to you. Like I deserve a reward of some sort. Like I have proved to you that I can restrain the crazy and not contact you, so now you can just come back.

Every day/hour/minute/second that goes by that I don’t reach out to Him means nothing. It only means time. I keep hoping that I have gone long enough and He misses me too much and that He will just call me. I just want to know how long is long enough? like how long do I have to go before He gives in? And then it hits me… there is no end to this game.

The end has come and gone.

Game over.

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by moon lover on December 14, 2018  •  Permalink
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Posted by moon lover on December 14, 2018

https://talking2mymoon.wordpress.com/2018/12/14/same-hurt-different-day/

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